It's Over

And just like that, I am not pregnant.

I started cramping last night and had light spotting and got worried, but not too worried, as I know this is a big growing time for the embryo.

But, at 2 am I woke with more cramps and went to the bathroom and passed tissue. At that point I felt pretty sure, but was holding out hope.

I slept terribly. I didn't say anything else(he knew about spotting) to Mr. S, b/c I didn't want to mess with his sleep too. I called my nurse and made an appt. to go in for an emergency ultrasound.

Mr. S already had the day off, as I had planned to take him for a hike. It is his birthday. Worst birthday ever.

We drove, waited. I felt frozen and numb. I was determined not to cry or get too upset, yet, since I knew I could've been passing the twin.

But, there was nothing on the u/s. The Dr. was surprised that it happened so fast. The u/s tech just said, "I am sorry."

Our nurse met with us and kept saying that there was nothing I did to make this happen. They'll test the tissue and let us know what they find. I didn't cry until the blood tech was taking my blood and suddenly I started.

Mr. S and I got ourselves together, went and got food(he had eaten nothing, yet) and drove to a local park to eat and hike some. Coming home, it hit me again. During the day, while we were out, we knew, but it didn't feel fully real, because no one else did.

The odd thing is that I am (currently) no more upset than I was when our IVF failed. Mind you, that is plenty upset, but I am functional, if crying easily. It is strange.

Yesterday afternoon I was my normal, nauseous, pregnant self. Today I am not. I can't fathom how quickly it all changed.

I could go on and on, but I won't, for now.

If you know me IRL, please don't call me for a day or so, and please tell those people you know don't read here, but knew about us. I can't handle telling people, right now.

This Just In, Hormones Have Arrived

I've been a little extra emotional ever since starting the estrogen for the FET, so I haven't noticed any extra weepiness lately.

Well, I hadn't. Until just now.

I was reading blog-o-sphere updates and was reading Destination Baby's( http://destinationbaby.blogspot.com/ ) update, and she mentioned that my BFP made her feel more relaxed for her big 19 wk u/s. And I started crying. She and I were in an IVF "buddy group" in May, and both are dealing with MFI.

It just hit me how many people have been pulling for us, both our wonderful in-person community and online people I have never met. And then I thought of all the women(and men) who've had to go through IF without this kind of support/community, and that made me more weepy. Thank god for the bulletin boards, blogs, connectors, and the unbelievably honest people writing every day. Every emotion, fear and elation.

Infertility has been the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life. And, I've had some doozies. But this trumps all of it. Mentally ill, hospitalized Mom; having to live with our grandparents; mentally ill, custody holding dad; abusive step-mother...etc. All pale compared to dealing with IF.

I know I already wrote a thank you post, but I guess I am doing another one. Don't worry, I only cried for like 5 minutes! And writing this only got a few more tears.

Fears, Hopes and Thanks

I must confess, over the past couple of years I've had a growing fear. It was that I would never get pregnant. That I could not, in fact, get pregnant.

It is a terrible fear to have, when you want to have children. And bear them yourself.

That is why I am just so happy, these days. Now I know I can get pregnant. I am, of course, hoping beyond hope that all will go well with this pregnancy, but I know there are no guarantees. Currently, I get much comfort from the actual possibility of pregnancy being achieved.

Finally, I have to send out a grateful thank you to everyone who has been hoping, wishing, praying, sending out positive energy, etc. for me(us) this past cycle, and before. It was lovely to know how much good energy was being sent our way the week of the embryo transfer.


Three more days until the next beta blood test,here is a link to info about beta, for those who asked... http://www.americanpregnancy.org/duringpregnancy/hcglevels.html
after which I can be a little more at ease, and then count down to the ultrasound. I have never, in my life, been on this side of the two-week-wait. I feel I have crossed a huge barrier.

3... is the magic number

I just got the call from my nurse...

My beta was positive, and the number is... 311 !!!

WOW. I knew my tests were dark, but this is a large number. She said, "This is a very good first number." She added that they like to see anything over 100.

I go in for a second beta on Tuesday. If it shows that my hcg levels are doubling properly, we can move on and be even happier.

But, I am happy right now. Yippeeee!!!!

I asked her, "Is it possible to get this number from early implantation or could it indicate twins?"

She said it could be either, she's seen low numbers be twins, and vice versa. Honestly, I will be super happy regardless. I really want a healthy baby.

But, I must admit that I felt that if we did get pregnant through ivf(or fet, which is like ivf-light) we'd have twins. Not sure why.

So many weeks, months, years of waiting. I am on a high!

Ways You Can and Can't Tell

As I have mentioned before, I can be a bit superstitious about pregnancy-related things. I used to think things like "that bird landed on me, I must be pregnant!" But after a year of thinking those things and not being pregnant, I got a little wiser.
Even so, I still have the occasional thought, such as "that baby won't stop looking at me, I must be pregnant!"

Doing a medicated cycle will also have you questioning every single twinge and lower abdominal gurgle. The progesterone makes you dizzy, and makes my(everyone's?) breasts a lot bigger. Still, those things are all b/c of the drugs. So no telling there.

But, what will tell you you're pregnant is a pregnancy test.
They have been telling me this since Tuesday!

I have gotten nice lines on FRER, Answer, Dollar Tree tests, and the piece de resistance, the digital. I'll try and post a pic tomorrow, along with my beta.

Yes, I am thrilled. I know I should be cautious and careful. But, in over 2 1/2 years of trying I have never gotten a true positive pregnancy test. It is thrilling. I didn't want to post on here until I saw my brother, since he reads this.*

*If you are a person who knows me in real life, please keep this knowledge to yourself and your partner. We are going to wait a bit to go crazy with our news. Not as long as people do with ttc the non-RE way, but I'd like to make it to the ultrasound safely before being Ms. Poppy Proclaimer.

Waves and waves

The babies and I(and Mr S) are back from the beach.

We had a lovely time. I actively tried to relax, which I know sounds like an oxymoron, but I am the queen of doing things(even if only reading.) So, the amount of laying around listening to waves that I got in was impressive, for me. On Monday afternoon I was on the balcony(which faces the beach) reading and listening to waves, and I had the overwhelming urge to nap. Is it a sign?

I never want to nap!(unless I am sick)

I hope that I am not sick, but that the babies are digging in and making me sleepy.

I have some other symptoms, but they are similar to ones I've had since being on injectable progesterone, so nothing is telling me much. My beta is set for next Tuesday(which is 19dpo or 14dp5dt which is LATE) so I put in a request to have it this Friday, 10dp5dt.


Here is a not so straight picture of our feet, Mr. S's sister and her daughter, and the beach.



The Relaxertons

Nicknames

We're taking the babies to the beach! And....we still haven't figured out what to call them.

Usually, I am quick to give nicknames. Mr. S has a million, and I use one so much that many people thought it was his last name! Our cats also have many many names. We call one "Prancer" b/c he stands and paws the ground/air when petted. "Prance, and Prancerton" as well. He is also "Sant" and a few other silly names. His sister is "Emmerly" from her name, and "Miss Em". They are also "Cat 1 & 2".

But, with our little embryos, we've been just saying things like "say goodnight to the babies" or "don't get stressed out, you have to protect the babies."

Oh so original.

We'll think of something. Or pick something, all of the aforementioned names were apt.

I must admit some part of me is probably hesitant to name them. I got so hopeful with our IVF and that pic of our blasts was placed on our fridge and was a visible symbol of hope for me. For us. Hope that didn't come to fruition.

I know I am only days away from knowing whether this worked, and that is frightening.

Hopefully, the beach will distract me. We will be staying with Mr. S's sister at her husband's condo-share. We'll just be there 2 nights. But, I look forward to walking on the beach, reading a lot, and lots of listening to waves. The condo is in a beach town we don't love. But, it is free, and it is actually ON the beach! Should be lovely.

floating

Here they are, a blurry pic of our pre-transfer blasts. This is the only image we got, I guess getting the lab to email you is the way to go(but not typical for them).




Guess which one is the moon and which the sun(in my opinion).

I set the picture on my bedside table, and I am instructing them to (please)stay on with me.

Thaw and Grow

The transfer went well. I have 5 more hours of bedrest. Mr. S brought me the computer- it is on a little bed-tray. I am only on for updates, as I want to be relaxerton.

The blasts thawed well, the embryologist said they were beautiful. My bladder was super full(they need it full so they can see easily with the abdominal ultrasound). I remembered to bring a sweater and a wrap, so I wasn't too chilly. I got a good RE, she was super friendly and professional. Mr. S was like "that was light years from last time"(when we got the jerky RE for our transfer).
She had me take a deep breath and we watched the transfer take place. My uterus looked like it was all lining, which I guess is good.

Afterwards I laid back, and the embryologist brought in the picture for us, Mr. S will scan it later, and I'll try and post it. I think one was starting to hatch.

On the drive home, I laid the seat back and watched the sky and trees. I ignored the rush hour traffic we got stuck in. I closed my eyes and held my face to the sun and thought growing, happy thoughts. We listened to our IVF mix cd's which are wonderful.

My brother has been staying with us, and he did reiki on me before I left to go to the transfer. I feel much more calm and peaceful than I did last time. I have some more grading to do before I am done with my summer class, but I am not stressing about it.

I was trying to name the blasts, thinking about it while we drove home(it took a long time, dc beltway traffic is awful.)

Here are some contenders:
1. Sun & Moon(b/c one is clearly moonlike(are all blasts?) and the other looks like the sun with solar flares)- could be sunflower and moonflower to match the planty-theme of the blog.
2. pumpkin and squash- to continue the planty theme, two things that are thriving in my garden.
3. Luke & Leia- for obvious reasons(and b/c I was really into Star Wars as a kid)
4. bumble and honey- for the bees that are going crazy in my garden
5. Angela & Jordan(from My So Called Life, Jordan's band is 'Frozen Embryos')
6. or we could just have one name for them both- the little pumpkins, acorns, etc

Opinions?

"Are you sure you're not...?"

There are questions that we all face in different times of our life, that we dread. Things we wish could be closed topics. I remember graduating from college and wanting to make a t-shirt that said, "I don't know what I am doing after graduation." and maybe in small print, "a job would be nice."

Then there is the mid-twenties, approaching thirties "Do you ever want to get married?"
If you are married and buy a house, the questions switch to the obvious, "Are you going to have kids?"

It is interesting that the marriage question is a "do you want to?" which seems to allow for the fact that you need to meet someone, etc. to achieve wedded-ness.

But once you have met someone the want/intention is assumed to be all you need to achieve parent-ness.

I have a simple answer, for most people to the kids question: "we hope to"

This summer, I've had a few more pointed questions thrown my way. A couple are recorded below.

On Saturday, at our neighborhood pool, a new friend said to me, "Are you pregnant? You've been looking tired lately."
inwardly, great, thanks, outwardly , "No, I'm not pregnant."
Her: "Are you sure?"
Me: "Yes, I am sure."
Her: "But you could be and not know it."
Me: "Trust me, I'm not."

Tired comment aside, she is a kind, progressive person. So I decided to tell her we're doing an embryo transfer on Tuesday. She and our other friend got very excited.
"So next summer you could be sitting here with a new baby!"
Me, inwardly yeah, right, outwardly: "I guess so."

A month ago, on walking into my house, my Dad: "I keep thinking of you as pregnant."
Me: "Well, I'm not."

On the phone two days ago, he asks me, "Do you have anything to tell me?"
Me: "No."

Sometimes these little conversations make you see how you are feeling/thinking. Talking with them made me realize how much I am expecting this FET to fail. It made me sad. That hope sproutling I had in April seems to have gone into hibernation. It is my least favorite part of IF, the change in outlook. I have had other people ask similar questions, telling me I could be pregnant and not know it. It makes me laugh, in a bitter way.

Nevertheless, I got the call scheduling my transfer. Tuesday at 3:45pm. I got a little stomach-flip of excitement. I guess some deep down part of me is sunning that hope seedling.

Talking about something else

I went in for my mid-cycle ultrasound and bloodwork this morning. I went to different office of our clinic. It was way easier to get to, and cheaper(yay for metro accessibility). For our IVF, I had to go to the further away clinic(because we were in a study), and now that our embryos are there, main stuff has to happen there.

Anyway, I liked the office, it was smaller and more personable. My ultrasound was done by an RE. He introduced himself and we got started. He saw that I've been reading Atonement, and asked me what I thought. After I answered("it is amazing.") he said it is one of his favorite books. We proceeded to talk about books while he put the wand in and took it out. I had to ask about my lining, b/c we were still talking books. It was pleasantly refreshing.

"You're lining looks great, 12.6. Perfect stripes."
and we went back to books.
He left, I dressed, went out to turn in my paperwork(one benefit of paying the "global(expensive)fee" is that I don't have copays. Of course I'd rather pay $20 a visit than $4000, but I am trying to see the silver lining.

As I was waiting he came up to ask me about a different writer he likes, and then I recommended one. We commiserated over being recommended trashy books disguised as regular fiction, and hating them.

I left cheerful and perky. I am so used to most of my office visits being impersonal and quick. This was quick, but personal. What a difference.

I am waiting for my bloodwork results, and if they are fine, we will be a go for transfer on Tuesday. So close!

Saying What I Want

I am working from home this summer, teaching my first ever online college course. I like it more than I expected to. And, normally I teach an intensive summer poetry class to 1st & 2nd graders in the summer. That job is 45 minutes away, and fun, rewarding & exhausting. So, though I miss aspects of that job, I have enjoyed my daily commute from upstairs to the dining room.

One side benefit of working from home is that I am very in touch with the weather. We have a bungalow that is shaded by old trees, so even though we are near DC, we rarely turn on the a/c. I did turn it on last week, and an hour later saw our tall grass(some exotic thing-1oft tall) waving in a breeze, and felt very odd, to not feel the breeze myself.

Yes, I am a bit of a hippy sometimes. I like being connected to the outdoors. Even while on my wireless internet computer.

Today I was wishing we'd get some rain. Things are starting to look dusty, dry, sad. An hour after writing the words "it needs to rain" on my non-IF blog, it started to rumble outside. Within 10 minutes we had intense, horizontal rain, a huge rattle of hail, and heavy rain. I just read that it was 64mph wind! There are large branches down all over the neighborhood and the rain blew so many leaves that the back of our house looks like someone wallpapered it with leaves.

So, in honor of my odd coincidence I will write my next wish/need:
I want to get pregnant this month.

And, to calm the strange gods that sometimes give us what we wish for, but not how we want it...
I want to get pregnant this month, have a healthy pregnancy and then deliver a healthy baby(or two).

Hopefully that is clear enough.

Planting, overplanting, rain and sun

I haven't written a garden-y post in a while. Might as well do one now.
We are in high summer. I planted a bunch of things close together, expecting some (maybe 1/3) to not make it. That is what has happened the 2 prior summers we've lived here.
Well. Everything (or almost all) made it through the long, cool, wet spring and into the hot, also wet, summer. I know it is all about the rain. We have plentiful sun, and sometimes too much.

Looking at my garden, a fellow garden friend said,"Wow, look at your squash, cukes and tomatoes. Did you turn the soil and add compost?"

I replied, "No, I was lazy this year, I just dug holes, tossed a handful of compost in and planted things."

I even experimented further with the not-turning-the-soil concept. I ripped up some grass, in an adjacent area, dug holes and planted tomatoes. They are thriving. Grass is growing near and around them.

My garden is jungly, and each day I go out and gather tomatoes, cucumbers and check on the squash and beans. We have more than enough zucchini, yellow squash, basil, hot peppers. I make pickles, gazpacho, grilled veggies, and give things away. We are eating well.

This upcoming FET has me a bit worried. We only have 2 blasts. I truly hope and pray they both make the thaw, but who knows if either will? I don't have the choice to "plant" extra and hope for survival.

This FET, IVF experience really is like the garden season. Last summer I planted many things and many of them died, but some made it. Not enough rain(or careful watering) too hot of a sun. In May, we did our IVF, and really thought it would work. Those embryos(that we transferred) didn't make it, and neither did 4 others. I have been trying to tell myself that I had to go through all of the mess, pain, sadness of that ivf to get those two embryos, which may become our child(ren).

In a lab(that is currently closed for vacation) one vial with two embryos waits, labelled and numbered. Those embryos are a dream we can't pretend we don't wish for with every breath.

Rebel Rebel

I have a problem. I question Doctors. I question people in the medical field, in general. I question authority.
It isn't that I think I am always right, or KNOW the answer. It is just that I am not always convinced they do either. Or, if I feel they do know, I want to know too. I don't blindly follow. I like to know why.

So far, in my life, this has been better for me than worse. I have made(by made I mean asked until they agree, when they try and ignore me) Doctors do tests to check things. I have been right on three things I was worried about, that I was told I couldn't have: bronchitis, poison ivy in winter(hello, I am stupid enough to have picked berries and put them on my table) and the big whopper- skin cancer. These are things I'd have rather not had, but I had a strong feeling, and was right, and got early treatment, which is very very good. The Dr. who did the skin cancer test couldn't believe it, he kept saying "but you're only 28."

My new RE has humored me and my constant "why/what is this for?" -ness. I can't tell if she is over it, now. At first, she commented on appreciating my knowledge and quest for more. I wonder if she still feels that way?

Last night, after getting the go-ahead to start estrogen in prep for the fet in 3 weeks, Mr. S said, "What does this do, anyway, how does it help?" I told him I thought it was to build my lining, and synch my body to be ready for transfer on the 19th.

Then I stopped, and looked at the calendar, and realized that the 19th is 5 days after I am supposed to ovulate.
And, I wondered. Why am I going to do these injectable meds that make me emotional, to build a lining my body is quite good at building on its own?

Many clinics do "natural" FET's(if someone has regular cycles, etc), mine won't. Case closed. Why? Because they need to schedule with the embryology lab long enough in advance. But, my period started in the exact day to make my cycle already be in synch with the lab date.
Hmmmmm.

Chances are, I'll start my estrogen today. But, I am tempted not to!!!

Opinions?

Why Not?

One of the pitfalls of infertility and uncertainty in general is that we want someone to tell us it will be OK. (Whatever It is: marriage/money/child/job/house) What those of us dealing with IF really want, is someone to say "You will have healthy children" and then tell us when.

Some days I think that if I just knew it would happen, I would relax. And wait. But, that isn't possible, for my personality, or in this reality we are in.

A couple of years ago I went to a "life reader" who had been highly recommended to me. It was my first time with any kind of psychic. She was right on for a lot of things(about my life, personality, husband) and assured me I'd have my own children. What she couldn't "see" was whether they'd be Mr. S's biological children or not. Ugh.
This is before we knew how severe his issue was, we thought it was a "just take vitamins and wear boxers" thing, and didn't yet know it was hereditary.

Anyway, I tend to be someone who wants to believe stuff like that, while having Ms. Pessimism/Realism on my shoulder saying "you aren't really believing this, are you?"

Nonetheless, I like looking at my very own Fairy Oracle, which Mr. S bought me. http://www.worldoffroud.com/www/faeries/oracle/index.cfm I look at the cards and read them and try and be calm and absorb the advice/lesson I need. I have been at this long enough(reading them, etc) to know that the cards aren't going to predict anything for me, but that I might get some peace in contemplating them.

Evergreen Baby posted a reading she got online, so I followed the link and did one too.
I like the cards and messages. And, they'll do for today, as my period has arrived, which means my FET cycle is a go!

The OPPORTUNITY


15 - Bindweed
Life out of balance

You have the opportunity to ask yourself what holds you in bondage. What is out of balance in your life — what takes more than its fair share of your attention, energy and life force? When our addictions (whether drugs, alcohol, sugar, shopping, TV or any other drug of choice) run loose in our lives creating chaos, we need to take action to bring our lives back into balance.





The CHALLENGE

0 - the Seeker
A new beginning

You are being challenged to take a risk and begin again. It's time to hit the road, either metaphorically or literally. Every time you set out on a journey, even if it's only a one-day hike, you embark on a spiritual journey as well. Be open to all the twists and curves in the road ahead. Be ready for surprises. Keep your heart open and maintain an attitude of innocence, trust and spontaneity. Take a risk! Before you is a brand new adventure — the chance for a fresh start and endless possibilities.

The RESOLUTION

20 - Awakening
Resolution comes with raising your consciousness and "waking up" in some way. Perhaps you have made a commitment to eating locally-grown organic foods, or perhaps you've begun a new spiritual practice. You now perceive yourself to be part of the global community. You know that your choices and actions affect the entire web of life, and you live your life accordingly, as best you can. As you continue to open yourself up to the life of the Spirit, your heart is filled with compassion and you begin to let go of the judgments and criticisms you have made in the past. To live in alignment with your deepest, most authentic Self is not possible without the help of spiritual allies. It's this knowledge that keeps us humble. You know that your life has purpose and meaning, and this gives you deep joy and peace. Service to others may not have been part of your life in the past, but it is now. When each person gives their own unique gift to the world, the entire fabric of the planet is strengthened and enriched.

http://www.gaiantarot.com/oracle/reading.php