comparisons

Before we had our own little one, I heard and read many pieces of advice that said, "never compare your child to another."
Easier said than done!
Usually, I just notice what Acorn has not done: slept through the night more than 1x a month; crawled later than Z, walked later than C, etc. I didn't complain about these(except the sleep thing, which I still would love to be different.)

Why do we want to be perfect? Especially knowing perfection(perceived/presented) can be so alienating?

Our little Acorn is a talker, she talks, at 16.5 months, more than many 2 year olds we know. As a highly verbal person, myself, I relish the way she talks, and love it, usually, in a 'how cool is this?' kind of way, not a 'look what my daughter does that yours doesn't' way.
But, recently, a Mom-friend mentioned how little her son talks, and I(I confess, I'd had a beer) told her a story about how impressed the Dr. was when she heard Acorn talking. I then said, "But she still wakes 1-2 times a night, even after we've done sleep training, and she is ambiguous about eating much." I concluded by saying. "I think kids excel at some things and lag in others." I meant to be encouraging, but I doubt she heard that.

Afterwards, I felt awful. I know that when friends tell me how great their kids sleep I don't feel happy for them(I should) I just feel jealous. So, why would I say how well my child is doing in an area her child is not?

I talked with another friend about it, and she said, "I try not to say how well my kids do in things, in general, except to really close friends."
I am going to try and get a little more quiet about these things, when out at our frequent playgroups, etc.
Because, we all say we understand kids do things at different times, but we can't help but notice the goods and the bads, and blame ourselves, sometimes.

What have you said that you wished you didn't, or heard that you wish you hadn't? How do you stay positive?

growing community

the rain turns to snow and thunder claps overhead
a baby is on its way, to one of my dearest friends
and I imagine them warm, awaiting this new joy
into all of our lives

the thankfulness post

Wow, Thanksgiving was a very notable milestone for me this year. This is probably because it is the first holiday we celebrated after Acorn's birth last year. And, last year I had a double infection on Thanksgiving, a wake every 2 hours baby, and other newborn woes. This year, I have a talking, walking(running), dancing roaring baby. And, I actually enjoy n.ursing. Last year, at this time, I actually cringed when I knew the baby was hungry.
the walker, last week:

Even with all of that, I was thankful last year. So, imagine how I feel this year. So happy, grateful, lucky.
And, I fully and truly appreciate the need for community, for other hands, when one has a baby. And how.
Acorn is very happy when she has many people to walk to, to look at, to interact with. She definitely needs 'alone time'(read:with Mama or Daddy) and quiet, occasionally, but only to recharge.


During Thanksgiving dinner(after she'd made an obligatory swipe at eating a bit) she kept walking from the living room to the dining room at the J-family house, and kept laughing and clapping to see all of us at the dining table.
And, we had my brother and new sister-in-law at the table. The family grows. Lovely.

first friends

As seen in the last post, Acorn has recently become aware of animals and babies. She is very very interested in them, and has a specific voice she uses to call a cat, dog, baby or young child to her. It rarely works, but I love that she is showing this kind of awareness to her surroundings. Our one cat will come and sit by us, and let Acorn pet her head. The neighbor's new puppy would like to lick/chew Acorn as much as possible, but he is young and has sharp teeth, so mostly I let her look at him.

My friend has a baby that is 3 months younger than Acorn. We get them together once every couple of weeks. This was taken at their last visit. And yes, they are almost the same size!




They kept grabbing hands, it was adorable. My Mom decided that they were the cutest pictures she'd ever seen. She is biased, obviously.





Here, Acorn is with another baby-friend, just 3 days older than she is. We expect to see them alot this summer, as we'll be at the same pool.

lady pumps-alot and the nourishing talk

I have been a pumping fiend. I don't love it, but I do like the healing break it has given my body. And, after 2 days of 'is that all?' when finishing, my milk supply has risen to the occasion. The only drawback: I wake every 2.5-3 hours with leaking breas.ts, and have to pump. Ah well.
Baby Acorn is growing, so that is good.
We had the most lovely time at a good friend's household on Saturday! The party was at a very child-friendly 2pm, and they gave me leave to use the nursery for pumping. I hijacked an out-of-town friend for some newborn kvetching. It was nice to catch up with so many of my old friends.
After the party Mr. S was like "you need more girl time" he said I came down from the pump/chat session looking relaxed and rejuvenated.
The only problem: I am usually worn out by 7pm, and everyone works. The weekends fill quickly.
Our little Acorn is starting to make faces, and hints of smiles. It is exciting!

Shower One

I had my friend baby shower yesterday. It was so lovely, I feel really blessed!

We had an actual blessing ceremony where people read us notes/blessings, and we are now all wearing a string on our wrists that everyone will keep on until baby comes. We've done this for other friends, and it gives is a wonderful feeling of connectivity. The idea is that while I am in labor everyone can send me extra lovely and strengthening energy. The string we used is a saffron yellow thread my brother brought me from Guatemala.

Not only did we receive wonderful presents, thoughtful words and food, but we also had our porch loaded with hand-me-downs and loaners: a loaner co-sleeper, a box of cloth diapering essential(hmd), a great vintage highchair and a toddler carseat. Hurrah!

From our registry(and from friends who bought on their own and quite well) we now have 2 changing pads, c.p. covers, organic cotton crib sheets, a bundle-me, vintage blocks, adorable and feisty looking clothes(incl. a great hoodie,and many striped things), a thermometer I never would have thought to ask for(it is temporal, so can be taken when baby/child is asleep), some baby books, and many more things..

Concurrent to my shower(which was across the street) Mr. S had some guy friends over and played poker and had a guy-rific time. Some of them came over at the end of the baby shower to hang out, which was very nice, as my brothers could come over, as well as Mr. S.

While cutting flowers to put in the house, a bee ran into my neck and stung me. Ow. The shower and friend-richness distracted me from the pain/irritation, but today my neck is red and a tiny bit swollen. It is a good reminder of the power of distraction.

mmmm, orangey

I had my GTT(aka Glucose Tolerance Test) this morning. Per friends instructions, I had refrigerated my orange drink last night, and drank it while we drove to the metro. At first I was like "Hey, this isn't so bad" it reminded me of those freezer pops that come in the plastic tubes. But, drinking the whole thing in 5 minutes made me not so thrilled.
We have a couple of days to wait for the results.
In the meantime, my weight gain remains on track(5 lbs since last month's visit) and my blood pressure is steady, and the baby h/b was good. My OB said, "Expect to gain 15 more lbs!" and I was thinking, "Oh no." and told Mr. S he should do it. The getting up and down thing is getting noticeably harder, and sadly, I can't live in the pool, so it is no fun to imagine gaining that much more.
I think the baby had the hiccups yesterday, it was the oddest, bubbly sensation!
My friend came over and helped us with the big sort/clear out of the nursery yesterday. We cleared off the counters and cabinets(the room was a small kitchen once) and now have to sort the books and move them out. We picked up a hand-me-down and nice crib (made by Ragazzi, a schmancy company, but it looks like a regular white crib)on Friday. It is all becoming very very real! I will take and post some pics at some point, but it may be a week or so.

registry madness

We have already received a good amount of baby hand-me-downs, some clothes, a nursing pillow, baby bath, a couple of slings, some cloth diapers, etc. This is overall wonderful, but I am now facing trying to figure out what we have, what we need, and what we need to give away. I have a large pile of clothes I know I won't use(from a pile given to me by a fellow IVF mom who was passing along hand-me-downs)... But overall the pile of what we have is sort of haphazard.

So, my questions for those of you who have registered, had showers, and/or who have babies already, etc. are these:
Did people actually get you things from your registry? It seems like most showers I go to the people receive the cute outfits/toys(I fall into this category of gift-giver, often) and not the hand-selected stuff.
This makes me wonder how plannerly I need to be this early on.?. I love the idea of friends picking things out that they love, making things, or even giving me hand-me-downs.
Is the registry really mainly for family members?
And, did you ask for and receive anything you love, anything you don't use?

The reason I ask is b/c we will be next to a baby store tomorrow, after my Grandmother's birthday gathering, and I would like to get started!

Bats and Fireflies

Our weekend was full of family/community.

Saturday we had our niece's 10th birthday party. There was a 2 story inflatable water slide(think super tall monbounce) and three deluxe cakes + tons of food.
Every adult who walked in the back yard said, "woah!" every 7-10 year old said, "wow!" and set to stripping off their clothes. It was a good idea, albeit overwhelming in a city yard, and the screams got old(at least for me) after a couple of hours.

We helped out a lot as usual and Mr. S kept saying "It is OK if we go now,"(as we had another kid bday party that we'd responded to before getting the invite) but I was like "we have to sing 'happy birthday'" It feels weird to leave a child's party before that.

BIL was like, "Shall we expect similar parties from you two?" about Mr. S and I for our child. And I said, "I think bowling is more our style." SIL wasn't around for the query, so I felt OK to answer that way. It is interesting, I can see the fam starting to get curious about our upcoming parenting style. It is starting to feel real, this transition that is coming.

Sunday night we had another party, a housewarming for some pool friends. They bought a foreclosure house in poor shape and have done an amazing reno-job. The party was great fun, with an entire 'georgian(russian) feast' laid out, and drinks provided by the guests. They have a fantastic dress-up box and many of the 3-6 yr olds were decked out in costumes, which made for a magical backdrop.

Walking back to our car the sky was almost to night, that pale grey-blue, and the fireflies were at eye level while bats were flying overhead, weaving the sky. The beauty brought me out of my tired fun-weekend-but-too-many-parties mood and gave me one of those pure moments of gratefulness for family, community, my growing belly and summer abundance.

Nesting

The nesting bug has hit!

Our baby room is pretty small, and is a converted kitchen. We've been using it as a storage area for the past few years, it has 3 bookshelves and a clothes rack. We started working on it a week ago, but haven't done anything since then. But, I want to!

I want to clear it out and paint it, especially the cabinets, they are a boring glossy wood color. One cool thing about the room having been converted from a kitchen(when our house was 2 apartments, in the 80's) is that there is a sink in the room. That is one reason we chose it as the nursery! Also, there is a counter, so we don't need a changing table, just a pad.

I think the nesting instinct kicked in when a friend said, "We have a crib for you, do you need one?" and I realized that yes, we do need one, but have nowhere to put it!

We are lucky to be in a very communal community, so people are offering us many hand-me-downs, and we plan to take advantage! But, that means we need to take things when people are ready to give them, not at a normal shower-time.

It may help that I am now feeling little nudges every day, the very real presence of our baby.

I got a few design books at the library the other night, it is fun to look at the colors people choose, the themes. There are some crazy fancy nurseries out there! I am thinking of doing a mural of some sort, as I love to paint. Probably some tree or vine thing. I do like star stuff too, though. Having a child, being pregnant, it feels so magical. I want to create a magical room.

4 years ago today

*I was eating breakfast and talking to Mr. S, who was upstairs in our B&B(we weren't seeing each other, but were certainly talking!)
-I was wondering if the forecasted storms would make us move our wedding indoors. (we got to do the ceremony outside, but the reception was indoors, and surprisingly magical)

*My friends helped me get ready, did my hair, make-up, arranged flowers, made wonderful food, read poems and cheered our vows.
-I didn't understand why my dress was loose, last minute wedding jitters had made me lose weight!
*Our family got extra dressy, got a little lost on the way to the rehearsal dinner, read poems, made food, read poems, officiated(!), cried as we walked the labyrinth, took photos, and dj'ed music.
-My students served food and alcohol, played music( an incredible classical guitarist, a great 3 piece jazz band)- don't worry, we paid them...

*And, I walked a labyrinth and found Mr. S in the center and we got married. The river was sparkling, loving faces were all around us, and in the center it was just he and I and words we had chosen to say to each other. Vows that bind us.

It was a long, wonderful, exhausting day. And lovely. Our community was present, the community we can't wait to share with our baby.

Who's Next?

Mr. S and I were talking, a couple of weeks ago, and wondering who will be the next person we know to announce they are pregnant.

We've been trying for so long that over a dozen people we know have become pregnant, and, at first, we would think, "Ah, wouldn't it be cool if we're pregnant at the same time as them?" but that game became too sad, as we continued to not get pregnant, and have watched those pregnancies become babies and then toddlers. Children that we love.

So now that we ARE pregnant, we realized we only know of people due before us. Of course, this is because most people won't announce a pregnancy until they are at 10-12 weeks.

Anyway, we had the loveliest surprise last night. We went out with 2 friends, to see a movie. Afterwards, we went to get 'a drink' and after we'd ordered, our friend said, "Actually, we have something to tell you. We're pregnant too!" She went on to say that she's known for awhile, and she felt bad not telling us, since she had 'cheated' and read my blog. But, they've had losses and were as scared as us, and telling no one. As you all know, we have felt the same way, so totally understood. It is nice for Mr. S to have another man who has felt the same anxiety and worry that he has felt. And now, hopefulness.

I won't go into more details, on the off chance anyone who knows her is reading(although I don't think they are, yet). But, this is just lovely, fantastic news! And, she is due the day after me!

2 at 1(pm, that is)

We are set for our embryo transfer, at 1pm. Please send warm, positive sticky vibes our way!

We plan to transfer 2 blastocysts. I was pondering asking to transfer 3, but my RE says that since I did get pregnant, they don't want to risk triplets. I agree! Also, she left us a message this morning that 3 had already become blasts, early this morning, so she is hopeful and positive.

The week has been a slow-process of healing from Egg Retrieval. I am starting to feel a little better.

My brother and I had dinner together last night, and he gave me reiki. Between in-person care, and online support, I am feeling lucky. Thank you!

I'll ask Mr. S to post later. I'll be on bedrest(couch?) for 24 hrs.

the cover is open, for now

Just as I have had quandariness over what to do about my blog, I wondered about posting about it. My brother had suggested I started a new blog, and I had considered it, but when he said it, when it was voiced I felt this twinge of loyalty to this blog. So, I approached all of you, openly.

I am so glad that I did.

You have all been so thoughtful and generous with your responses and suggestions. Thank you. I will keep you updated on "Project Privacy" in the meantime, I will go forth as is normal.

One further thought I had while pondering all of this. I remembered being in college, and then being a houseguest at friend's, and how often I would see a few friend's journals lying around. The itchy/curious part of me thought "how cool would it be to see what they write/draw?" But I never truly considered opening or reading someone else's journal/diary. My journal might become that type of thing, for a month or so. Something you know is there, but respect the closed covers of.

We applied for and received a healthcare loan, things are set to move forward.

Vacillating between Openness and Privacy

I have been really conflicted about writing about my second IVF cycle. On one hand, I am totally into being open about all of this. I feel like infertility is still some thing that people think should be kept quiet, like it is shameful. Like someone shouldn't admit they want something so much. I also want to continue to add to the online discourse around treatment, ivf, infertility. But, on the other hand, the lack of privacy, the lack of the ability to choose when to share news or no news, can feel constrictive.

If we had gotten pregnant 3 yrs ago, when first trying, chances are I'd have wanted to tell everyone right away, but would have waited a bit, at least for an ultrasound or two. That is the way it usually is done, most of my friends wait until 11 or 12 weeks. But, with my IVF, everyone knew it hadn't worked, and treated me kindly, wonderfully so, perhaps one or two acted a bit too carefully(such as hiding new of other's pregnancies from me). But that, too, is from kindness. Then, when we did get our positive test, anyone who read this journal knew about it. That was mostly wonderful. As the saying goes "Shared joy is double joy."

Now, looking forward in time, to that hoped for positive, or dreaded negative, I am not sure if I want everyone that I know, in real life, to know right away. I will either be elated, but totally freaked(worrying about miscarriage) or depressed and hermit-ish.

Originally, I started this blog to chronicle my own experiences, to add to the voices that have helped me so much. Along the way, I have found many online friends, most of whom are going through similar treatments, disappointment, ups and downs. I have also appreciated my IRL friends cheering me along the way.

I seem to have this desire for some kind of re-instated(at least temporary) privacy.

I am not quite sure how to go forward with all of this, this journaling of my experience, while feeling a desire for some kind of (in person)anonymity.

How would you do it, how have you? Those of you who see me regularly, how would you feel about not reading here for awhile, in a while? Do you have another suggestion?

my own tess.er

About a week ago I had the nicest revelation while reading.

Now, most of you know that I have been feeling overwhelmed with job-searches, decision making about IVF, mourning the loss of our pregnancy, etc. It has been a tiring way to be, and I have not enjoyed being so angst-ridden.

I decided to reread Madelein.e L'Engl.e's "time series", Wrink.le in Time, etc. I was on the third book, and Meg was home, and her family was loud and chatty around her. I remembered that when I read these books as a child, I was so envious of Meg's family. Even amidst the book's turmoil, I found that household comforting. Caring, parents, many siblings, interesting conversations around the dinner table. A life that involves culture, family security, discussion of ideas, work, the larger world. Things that were ignored(mostly) in our house.

So, there I sat, over 20 yrs later, rereading a scene I used to wish to be in, and I realized that I am often in a similar scene. I realized that I am lucky enough to have been welcomed into an artistic world, I even spend time working at artist's residencies. My friends are interested in the work they do, and we have the conversations of the type I used to only read in books. Conversations that part of me wasn't convinced really happened.

My life is so much closer to how I had hoped it would be, as a lonely child who knew there was more to living.

And for the first time in a long time I felt grateful for my life.

I don't have all that I long for, but I am closer to the life I hoped to live, to lead, than the life that I could've had, the life of just surviving. Hopefully, more joy will come. The distance between the way I grew up and the way I live now is momentous, is something not measured by normal means. Through some combination of luck, love, education, and ambition... I have made that journey, tessered* my own wrinkle to this present place. I am in a community, I am not isolated.


*in the books, they discuss a way to travel between time/place by tess.ering, folding time, instead of traveling linearly(which takes much longer)

This Just In, Hormones Have Arrived

I've been a little extra emotional ever since starting the estrogen for the FET, so I haven't noticed any extra weepiness lately.

Well, I hadn't. Until just now.

I was reading blog-o-sphere updates and was reading Destination Baby's( http://destinationbaby.blogspot.com/ ) update, and she mentioned that my BFP made her feel more relaxed for her big 19 wk u/s. And I started crying. She and I were in an IVF "buddy group" in May, and both are dealing with MFI.

It just hit me how many people have been pulling for us, both our wonderful in-person community and online people I have never met. And then I thought of all the women(and men) who've had to go through IF without this kind of support/community, and that made me more weepy. Thank god for the bulletin boards, blogs, connectors, and the unbelievably honest people writing every day. Every emotion, fear and elation.

Infertility has been the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life. And, I've had some doozies. But this trumps all of it. Mentally ill, hospitalized Mom; having to live with our grandparents; mentally ill, custody holding dad; abusive step-mother...etc. All pale compared to dealing with IF.

I know I already wrote a thank you post, but I guess I am doing another one. Don't worry, I only cried for like 5 minutes! And writing this only got a few more tears.