rain= gloomy, sun = cheerful

I woke up to a sunny day, after 2 days of heavy grey clouds and lots of rain(and 2 days of a low-level headache). Around noon, I took a long walk, and called a friend I haven't talked to in awhile. She was like "you sound great!" and I thought, "Wow, if I had talked to her yesterday I would have been doom and gloom!" I seem to be more sensitive to light as a mood effector, these days.

We are gathering funds for our 2nd(last?) IVF/ICSI. I am still a job-applying fool, but we plan to get started in February, regardless of insurance coverage. My RE is ready, and has just sent a tentative protocol. Exciting, scary.

We still haven't figured out whether Share.d Ri.sk is for us. In the shower today I thought "do you want to pay $11,000 for an insurance policy?" No answer presented. It seems like I am trying to trick myself into knowing what we should do, what is best. But, I cannot know, and that is VERY aggravating! If we knew we could easily afford the monthly payment on S.R. I think we'd do it.

I am realizing that the thought of a 2nd IVF experience, and all it entails, scares me less than it did before. I know parts of it will suck(hello, huge ovaries, hello egg retrieval) but I have been through it before. I'll eat and drink well, and hope, hope hope.

10%

I am trying to count the small blessings, these days. We found out that our clinic has a discount for people who make under a certain amount of money. I got the forms, filled them out, sent the appropriate tax forms, and got our reply. We qualify for 10% off whatever treatment we receive that isn't covered. Truly, I am glad, it is quite possible that this will save us $1200, if we have to go for ivc/icsi with no insurance. But, the grumpy part of me is like "Ok, now where do I get the other 11,000 + money for meds?"
To that end, I have been a job-applying machine. 6 jobs in the last 3 days, that is a lot of cover-letter writing and resume rearranging. I got one call already, but of course the job they currently have has no benefits. I really like the organization, what I learned of it, but I am realizing I have to be pretty strict. If the job has no benefits/IF coverage, it must pay WELL, if neither, I have to pass it up. Keep looking. I must admit that the call and the phone interview(it turned into that) did help boost my confidence. So, that is cool.

The other small blessing: through all of this, I can see and feel Mr. S and I growing closer. We have our little squabbles, as all people do, but they are so small that they are silly. "You did so say 'what' 3 times while we watched tv last night, your hearing is going." ... "No, you're the one who says 'what.'"
I kid you not!
Anyway, we grow closer, we are a team, and I am trying to see through to the end of this waiting game we are in, when we can move on and prepare to be parents. Dream, plan, worry and hope.