b'ack sheep and abc's

For a couple of weeks now, Acorn has been singing softly and often. Almost under her breath. My Mom and I couldn't tell what she was singing, at first, nor could Mr. S. Then, last week, I realized it was the abc song. The key= llemonlp. Which is her approximation of L-M-N-O-P. It is adorable. She will ask for Baa Baa Black Sheep by saying, 'B'ack sheep' and Itsy Bitsy by twisting her fingers and putting her hands over her head. Lovely.
There are days when being a 75% stay at home mom exhausts me, then there are moments where I catch her singing, or we roll and laugh and it is the best thing I can imagine doing.

the missing H

After I posted last night I put another cd in the player. Patti Griffin's "Living with Ghosts". We all have music that we know really well, those songs that just get to you, make you emotional. Well, it has been awhile, and I should've known(maybe I did) that this cd would push me over the edge. I was singing along and suddenly I was crying. I haven't cried much, recently. The first year we were trying it seemed each monthly reminder that it wasn't working could make me lose it. But when you keep getting bad news(one bad Semen Analysis, a worse one, more and more BFN's, failed IUI's, no insurance coverage for infertility) you start to become a bit numb. I think I needed that cry.

Last night I felt like I had lost something and was getting it back. I couldn't pin it down. Mr. Seed came upstairs(from working on aforementioned mix cd) and I said, "Can you sit down?" And told him what had happened, and that I couldn't quite pin down why I reacted so strongly. I said, "I feel like these past two years I've been some sort of half-me. Dulled down, somehow. Why didn't anyone notice?"

We talked some about it. Finally, I came to a realization. It is one of those obvious revelations, but neither he nor I saw it.

I have felt hopeless. Truly. Utterly without hope. Constant failure wore me down.

How do I know this was the problem? Because the little threading root feelings of hope I've been having lately have been so surprising . A feeling I almost didn't recognize.

No wonder I've been so negative about little things. No wonder the room we call my study, where we put all my books and desk, has remained a virtual storage space since we bought this house(2 yrs ago last month). My regular, pre-infertility self would've had that room set up and covered the desk in projects. It would've been messy. But workable. There have been many other signs, but I pegged it all to other things. Being busy, owning a new home, etc.

Most of my life I have been an optimist. This is despite my childhood. I grew up with a lot of heartache: a mentally ill mother, having to move a lot(11 times before I was 12), moving from parent to grandparent and finally being raised by my Dad, occasionally seeing my Mom. Through it all I was able to keep a semblance of hope. Of "at least someday things will be better."

I don't think I quite understood how invasive infertility can be. How complete the feeling of failure is, and how deep the hole of uncertainty can feel. I knew it sucked, but I never fully understood the true thievery.

I am not expecting to go back to that same self. But I hope I can bring a little of that optimism back, and incorporate those hopeful sensibilities back into my life. I need it. Hope.

Today my eyes are dry in that way that only a cry the night before can make them. But I feel lighter. And, appropriately, my period has just shown, and I will get this IVF thing started for real.

remembering different selves

I don't know exactly when it happened that trying to get pregnant took over my every waking thought(hmm, one month after we started?) but now that we are on the verge of IVF(something I dreaded since being told it would be the only way a year and a half ago) I am suddenly feeling myself waking up, back to my old self, or at least remembering that old self. The person who would rather be creating than watching tv(avoidance) or surfing the net(comfort/education/avoidance).

One thing that is helping me with this feeling of renewal is listening to old favorite music. The drive to our IVF clinic is 40 minutes on a good day, add traffic(which is a likelihood in the DC area) and you can imagine the sitting and grumping. A couple of weeks ago, on my drive to get my birth control pills(we are taking part in a study, more about that in another entry) I heard a song on the radio, Smashing Pumpkins "Today" which is a very hopeful song. I turned up the radio, cheered up, and had a bright idea.

I thought, "I will get Mr. Seed to make me a mix cd, and it will be all music I love." I called him to tell him my idea and he was all for it. Normally, if he makes me a mix it takes him a month and is very savvy and produced well and has many songs I don't know that he wants me to. I said, "this is no time to 'edu-macate' me." and he agreed.

So, I started with a handwritten list and then started thinking, "Don't forget about her, you love her." but it has been so long since I've listened to some music that I had to bring out the cd's and listen to them all the way through.

Our table has a pile on it: the Cure, John Lennon, Sarah McLachlan, Bjork, Jane's Addiction, Iron & Wine, Sting, the Beatles, Paul Simon and many many more.

I have been dancing in my kitchen and singing heartily. I am coming back to me.