Looking for the Safe Zone

This morning I woke early, and had some quiet time with Lulen and Luna, and even visualized Lulen on the left and Luna on the right. We will be 5 weeks tomorrow. I realized that I am just sort of holding my breath until we pass 7 weeks, because we miscarried right before that, last time.

Logically, I know that passing the 7 week mark is no magic "safe zone" but it will be a personal milestone. I wonder how many people have these little markers? I can imagine that we'll pass that(please let us pass it) and then move the 'marker' up, to 8 weeks, then 10, etc.

So, the 3rd beta(19dper, or 14dp5dt) came in at 2565! Hurrah! This number is quite close to first time around, so I am still operating under the "it may be one or two" theory. They want me to come in for my ultrasound next week, but due to a busy schedule(new pt job) I am not going in until Friday. I'll be 5w5days. It is unlikely we'll see anything but a sac, or two. The nurse said, "The Dr. wants to get some measurements."

And, in progesterone news, I am allowed to switch to suppositories, but am staying on PIO, b/c I am paranoid. Now I have to get my insurance to cover it!

The weather is fantastic. I think I'll take the babies for a walk this morning.

beta #2

Today is a busy day. But luckily, I am home between classes, and can post this...


So, at 17dper I am at 1165!
Now, I decided to look back on my last betas, and these are quite similar. A tad higher, but not crazily so. I am currently operating under the idea that it may be twins, but one might not stick around. (But please, let one please stay with us...)

With that in mind, I am not going to be my normally active and over-scheduled self! The day we miscarried, I had 3 events and a jam-packed day, from morning to night. Obviously, we'll never know really what happened. But I don't want to take any chances!

I honestly feel so grateful to be here. This IF road is so incredibly hard, and the doubts assail so easily and frequently. I feel joyous and lucky.

bidding up and down

We almost had to postpone our beta, because the area got hit with a big(for us) snowstorm. At 715 am we had 6 inches, and heavy snow falling. Personally, I can handle driving in snow(well, I don't like white-out...) but I am very wary of many of the drivers in this area because they freak out and are all slidey and overly brakey.

But, within an hour the snow-fall had slowed, so I called and asked if we could come in later for the bloodwork, and they said, "Sure, everyone is coming late."
All day(after and before the beta) I was making little bets with myself.

"It will be almost 300"
Then I'd get a weird twinge, or (ahem) moisture that felt like spotting... and I'd bargain down.
"OK, at least 200..."
more twinges, more moisture, after eating vegetarian chinese food for lunch(with the dreaded soy)
and I had bargained down to 100, even though I knew my tests were dark.

So, imagine my joy and surprise when I got the call, "It is a very good number, Dr. O is quite happy....

371"
!!!!!!!

Hurrah high beta. So, we go in on Wednesday for beta #2 and will pray for sticking and for doubling. I had a pretty high beta with FET pregnancy(311) and that was just one, so I am not going to bandy about the twin word. That is what ultrasounds are for!
For the curious, we are 10days past 5 day transfer, or 15days past Egg Retrieval.

& P.S. thank you all you kind comment-leavers, you make me so happy! Shared joy, double joy!

5-ish

Today's beta news- 5.7. My RE is calling it "negative" which means I don't have to go in again. Wow, finally. I have been going in every 2 weeks since 9/15. Ugh. I am so tired of it, but it has become routine, which is surreal and strange.

Yesterday I went to an interview for a job that sounded good(working in an arts based elementary school) but which ended up being really stressful(they had me teach a class, alone, even after I told them it was ill.egal to have me do so(with no adult employee around) and it was very very hard, as it was the class after lunch. The students were unruly, having had a sub all day, and I ended up feeling like my interview was really just a way for them to get a free lesson in(I was called Sunday night to come in Monday)...
So, I came home, frustrated that it is so hard to find a way to make a living, and feeling taken advantage of!

I am determined that I will find some way to employ my talents: education, tutoring, arts, editing, crafts, cooking... to help fund our ivf. Suggestions are highly welcome.

25

Normally, 25 is my favorite number. I think it came about because my 3rd grade times-table learning self loved the idea of 5 x 5 becoming 25. Anyway, it is still a good number, but when it is your slow as molasses dropping hcg, and you want it to be zero, you aren't happy to hear any number BUT zero. Ah well. Closer and closer.

I got the call on Thursday, from the sub-nurse, and she just said "Your beta is down to 25, Dr. O wants you to come in again in 2 weeks, and hopefully it will be zero." We are at 2 months, today, from our loss, and I am still dealing with it, physically. It is hard to move on, when I am bleeding again(2 1/2 weeks after what I thought was my period)...

Fall is winding down, the days end very early now, and it makes me sleepy. I am starting to appreciate the home, inside joys, the brightly painted rooms, a warm light in a corner. Long books, and magazines. Coziness. I do love the food of late fall, the hard fruits and leafy greens. Pumpkin, squash, kale, chard.

We have a little buddha near our entry-way, I put him there because he is such a peaceful presence. Two days ago I put some sunflower seeds(leftover from ones I scattered for birds) in his upturned palm. As I picked them up, I pondered how many to put. One seemed too lonely and two looked nice, but I decided to go for three. The three I hope our house will hold someday soon. 1 + 1 = 3, the magic of becoming a parent and defying mathematical rules.

the edge

This entry is a bit boring, sorry...

I went to my regular OB Gyn on Tuesday afternoon. He hadn't known about me being pregnant, or the miscarriage. (I had been 3 days from being 'released' to him when I miscarried, and it was all too depressing to have to call and give both sets of news) so anyway, he was worried that I had been spotting for 6 weeks, so had me do an ultrasound, and, no big surprise(as my beta was at 400 last week) the u/s lady found a tiny bit of tissue. He had me do bloodwork, and then we met in his office. He said he felt it would probably be best to do a D&C, if the beta hadn't gone down much.

So, I left there and went home, exhausted. I am so tired of dealing with this. I also know, in my gut, that I'd rather not have a D&C, but that I also want to move on. I told him I'd need to talk to my RE.

She called me yesterday, and I told her my new beta number (200, a bigger drop than it has done in awhile) and she said she really hopes I won't need a D&C. She is worried about scarring, and future ivf/pregnancy. She said "If you hadn't passed most of the tissue, this would be what you need, but I think you should wait." She suggested I do more b/w in 2 weeks, and that if my beta isn't down, close to zero, they do a saline sonogram, and then if there is still tissue, a smaller, more focused removal, not a full scrape. That sounds better to me, so that is the plan.

The good news is that I am bleeding for real now, period-style. I am hoping that the last of it will go with it.

Ironically, there have been a lot of postings for blood-drives at school(one every week) with 'urgent need' posted. I kept almost going in, and having to remind myself that I can't spare any blood right now.

Now that I am passing the amount of weeks I was pregnant(as in it has been almost 7 weeks since we lost it and I was almost 7 weeks) I can feel myself getting more me-like. But, like a break-up that you mourn, I can't help feel wistful for the almost was, for my belly that should be burgeoning. Happily, I no longer feel the beautiful sunny days are indecent or cruel, and the bright leaves are starting to seem lovely, which is nice.

'come back in a week'

Well, I no longer feel like I am floating/upside down, but I can't pretend all is well, either.

We were at a wedding reception on Saturday night, and I was pretty fine, enjoying seeing friends, etc. Then I saw a man holding his wife, with his hands on her belly, and he did the same thing when they sat down. Somehow, I could handle the woman who was really showing, but the woman who didn't appear pregnant, but whose husband's actions made me guess she was just brought home to me that I had been expecting to be just past 9 weeks when I attended the wedding. Expected to have been released to my OB, and getting excited about the 2nd trimester. I got very sad, sad enough for Mr. S to look at me(as we were dancing) and say "what is wrong?"

Earlier that night, someone we hadn't seen in awhile asked Mr. S how he's been. He said "great." and I asked him later, "How can you say 'great'?" he said, "well, the rest of my life is fine." but really, he has been down as well. I realized that he said 'great' because that is what people want to hear.

Today I went in for my 3rd beta blood test to see how the hcg is dropping. I hate going in for this. Always, before, bloodwork was no fun, but at least was working towards something. Now I am working towards nothing. Literally. At 6wk5days, the day of the miscarriage, my hcg was quite high- 35,000. Eight days later it was 1250, which was a marvelous drop. But today, 2 weeks after the last draw, it is 670. They like it to get close to 0 before you start anything again.

Having to get up early to go in for b/w, sit and wait, and then have the sharp smell of alcohol, pain of the needle and even the stick of the tape, bulky under my shirt are all just one thing too many. The ironic thing is that I was not feeling too badly today, until the call about the number. I had thought this would be my last visit to do b/w. Now I don't know how many more I will have.

I think I've been waiting to have something hopeful/encouraging to write. But today, I decided I just need to write here when I want.

Some days are fine, no day is happy, I don't cry everyday anymore, but when I do cry it comes almost as a surprise, like "oh, I am crying again" and it is fierce and unexpected. I hold myself very still, when travelling between things, places, appointments, the usual errands. I have moments when I think "at least that earlier grief prepared you, some"(when I think of my grandfather's death, or some other, earlier trauma) and wonder what strengths I will gain from this. In a way, I don't want to learn anything. But, I'm experienced enough to know I will, and, in a way, to resent that. Both the knowledge of the fact, and that future wisdom.

The New Year

As someone who has been in academia, in some way, for 30 out of my 36 yrs, I always feel like a new year starts in September.

This year, that feeling is more pronounced.

Today is a day of changes.

1. My brother left for Guatemala at 5am(Mr. S drove him to airport, so I got to sleep, sweet man.)
2. I start school-teaching, that is. Felt woozy and shaky all throughout class. Probably just looked nervous.
3. No more pool, yesterday was our last day. I have to start cooking at home again!
4. My cell-phone, which was hit by a wave 10 days ago, and was working fine, has now decided life is over- all I get is a fuzzy-poltergeist-TV screen.
and, the doozy...
5. I got my 2nd beta hcg results. To put things in perspective, I expected the number to be around 1300, which would be a respectable 2 day doubling, from Friday's 311.
Nope, it is at 2786. I had to listen to the nurse's message again, because I busted out laughing when I heard the number.

We are quite pregnant! It is possible there are twins. We find out, one way, or another, next week at my very first not-looking-for-eggs/etc ultrasound. I will be happy either way( I will not, however, be excited about the triplets one of my bb buddies suggested the number suggested)... What a relief to have a good beta!

Yippee!!!!

Now, let's add a chart to make it more school-like.

so, it could be a singleton, but might not be...

3... is the magic number

I just got the call from my nurse...

My beta was positive, and the number is... 311 !!!

WOW. I knew my tests were dark, but this is a large number. She said, "This is a very good first number." She added that they like to see anything over 100.

I go in for a second beta on Tuesday. If it shows that my hcg levels are doubling properly, we can move on and be even happier.

But, I am happy right now. Yippeeee!!!!

I asked her, "Is it possible to get this number from early implantation or could it indicate twins?"

She said it could be either, she's seen low numbers be twins, and vice versa. Honestly, I will be super happy regardless. I really want a healthy baby.

But, I must admit that I felt that if we did get pregnant through ivf(or fet, which is like ivf-light) we'd have twins. Not sure why.

So many weeks, months, years of waiting. I am on a high!