another month the quixotic secondary infertility post

Mr. S and I agree we'd love to have another ch.ild, and we admit a lot of our desire is because we love the idea of Acorn having a sibling. Also, I love the idea of getting to know another person, and of the added love in our household such a being would bring.

It is interesting dealing with the continual arrival of my per.iod since we started *trying* in January. It just barely bothers me. Nothing like the years of getting it before we had Acorn. I do have a twinge of sadness, and I am aware we may not get another child. But, I am a parent! Acorn is a daily joy.

And I say *trying* because we know how unlikely it would be for us to get a baby without extreme medical intervention. What bothers me more is knowing how much work we need to do(and money we'd have to spend, money we truly don't have) to make any dream an actuality. At the pool, a seeming symbol of this area's high fertility, I have had to try and shrug away envious feelings, seeing kids spaced apart just as we'd like to have one.

When people ask us(which is often) about another child, I just say it would be nice. I am so tired of people telling me it will be easy for us. I want to hand them a textbook on Mal.e Fact.or Inf.ertility and just say, "Oh, so MY having a baby will change HIS body?" People are obl.ivious, and if they thing me hearing about others ease at 2nd child conceiving they are dead wrong.

Phew, I guess it does bug me a bit.

But, I remember the tears, the anguish and the wonder over whether I'd ever be a parent, and this pain(envy?) is so momentary compared to that.

the last note

Going through a box of old papers from 10 years ago, my grandfather's last note to me. Scratchy handwriting, his brain was already riddled, though none of us knew it yet. Blessings, hopes and love from he who first was so steady for me.

birthday

Last night, Mr. S and I listened to the icy snow rain falling all around our house, making a beautiful noise. I awoke to myself one year older, and the baby walking in the room saying, "hi!" Mr. S let me sleep in an extra 45 minutes, which helped take the edge off of the three wake-ups we had last night.
In the car, I told Acorn we were going to take her to Grandma's so Mr. S and I could have lunch and celebrate my birthday. She said, "Happy!" and I got a bit teary, as I've been teaching her to say "happy" for her grandparents and uncle, all of whose birthdays started January. The leap she made today astounded me.
It is, indeed, a Happy Day.


the fir just outside our driveway, taken with my new camera this afternoon

the flowergirl

One. First plane ride has been taken! We flew to Austin for my brother's wedding. Acorn did so much better than we could have expected. Yay n.ursing! Her main complaint was the lack of space to move around.
Two. First wedding, and first time as a flower girl. Note to others: if you and your child are both in a wedding party, try and get ready earlier than usual. We just squeaked in. Here she is in all of her adorableness:


Three: we stayed in three separate places over 5 days, and Acorn had fun in each one. She loved exploring her new surroundings. She especially loved using dresser knobs to pull herself up. And, she loved all of the carpeting. There are days I wish we had wall to wall. We can't even put rugs down, due to our overly pee-ful cat.
Four: she slept terribly, so did we. Who knows if it is b/c she was just getting over an ear infection, or the new spaces. She woke every 2 hours. Yikes.
Five: in the daytime she was so cheerful that we feel more confident that Acorn really just needs us around and she will be happy in new spaces, even meeting dozens of people every day.
Six: we are so happy to be home, and the cleanliness of the B&B's and hotels that we stayed in has inspired us to clean. We spent two days cleaning and our house is so much better.

Grandparents present and future

My parents are about to be grandparents. They are both excited. And, I am looking forward to seeing how they change/act as grandparents. It is interesting, because Mr. S's parents have been grandparents since I met them.
I have only one set of grandparents that I think of when I think of the idea of grandparents: my maternal ones. I admit that I base a lot of my ideas on grandparent-hood on them and their behavior. Ideas about support, guidance, fun, acceptance.
It has been odd(for me) over the years to see Mr. S's Mom and how permissive she can be with her grandchildren- giving soda and sugar to a 2 1/2 yr old, suggesting the child go watch tv, etc. It is something Mr. S and I have talked about, and hope to avoid with our own child. She is also incredibly loving, loyal and supportive, so we know the good outweighs the negative(what we see as negative)...
But, we know there is a lack of control, of what we can expect(like that she not leave crime
shows on when the baby/toddler is in the room), and a fine line of expectation versus action.

My Mom smokes, never around me, but she reeks of it. She gave me two hand-crocheted blankets yesterday, one for the baby, so pretty. They are outside airing out before I wash them. I need to broach the subject of her airing out the house before she watches our baby, which she will probably do about 4 hrs a week. She is so excited to watch our baby. I asked her what she wants to do, if she has any activites, and she says she can't wait to read lots of books to the baby, and go on walks in the park. That is sweet.

I ran into my cousin at the store yesterday(married to my Aunt's son) she said my Aunt watched her daughter at around 8 months and was so worried about the cloth diaper/strange sippy cup thing(klea.n kanteen) that she didn't give her granddaughter milk all day, and used a nice salad bowl to soak the diapers in, even though she'd been told where to put the diapers. Sounds like the stress goes both ways!

So, we have the interesting dilemma of knowing what we hope won't happen. But, we are both looking forward to the expanding love in the family. It is exciting.

Coming Out

We decided we're telling Mr. S's family tomorrow at Easter Lunch. We were going to use the new ultrasound pic, put it in a card, etc. But now, we're not sure what to do, how to do it. The new u/s pic is poor quality and the baby looks quite lumpy- like a potato. When it was in motion it was adorable, but the Dr. froze it and printed at an awkward moment. Ah well.
Obviously, we could just say it. But, since we've waited this long, it would be fun to do something more memorable.
Mr. S says he thinks his Mom knows. The family knew we were doing one more IVF this spring, but we didn't exactly say when...
We honestly thought we'd tell family early, but neither of us realized how worried we'd be.
We are finally starting to (tentatively) relax. There is something about a moving baby that reassures one. Well, reassures me.

The weather is grey, rainy and cool. Perfect for staying in and finishing our taxes. We've done everything by the health deductions. We're hoping that will be a nice refund maker!

Have you dreamed of how you'd tell family? Or, have you had great ways to do it?

I have this sad little target christmas/reindeer baby hat I bought 2+ yrs ago, thinking I could give it to them to tell them we were pregnant. Ah, the naivete of early trying...

Eating While It is Easy

I am expecting morning sickness to kick in any day now(I am at 5weeks 3 days) so I keep thinking "eat while you can!" It is a strange thought.
It is tempered by two things:
1. Worry that what I want to eat/drink is BAD for pregnancy. I drink a lot of tea, and green tea is now out, and so are many herbs. Decaf is getting boring.
2. Still over-sized ovaries that make me unable to eat a whole lot in one sitting.

Another strange pregnancy symptom: my veins are dark blue and seem very pronounced. Not just in the chest (where it hits most pale people) but in my arms, and even hands. I feel like I am see-through. I look like a vampire's fantasy.

And, the super-sense of smell that most people get. Most annoying on the metro, man, can I smell bad breath. It probably isn't even bad, on most people. In class one day I could've guessed what each student had eaten for lunch that day, based on a quick walk by.

This pregnancy remains a mostly well-guarded secret. Quite different than before. The hardest time(during our ridiculously social weekend) was the babyshower for SIL on Sunday, with all of Mr. S's family there. They know we're in process with IVF, but we kept the dates fuzzy.

We'll probably revisit the "when should we tell family" topic after the ultrasound on Friday.

Sorting, Heirlooms & Expectation

On Saturday I got the expected, but much earlier than expected, news that my grandmother would have to move to an assisted living home. She is my last grandparent, and we've always had a good relationship. It has been hard to see her having memory issues, lapses over the past couple of years. It was also, coincidentally, her 83rd birthday.

On Sunday, I went to help my aunts and uncle clean/clear/sort and pack up her apartment. She is moving from a one-bedroom with generous storage(5 closets, incl. walk-in) to a studio room.

Things we had to consider while sorting:
1. Can she injure herself with this?(accidental breakage-(like glass), etc, not purposefully)
2. Does she need this to feel at home?
3. Is this something that should be donated, or will someone want it?
4. Will this fit?(larger items, chairs, etc)
5. What should go over immediately to help her acclimate?
5. She said this(insert family heirloom here) was for ____, but now we find out she told each person that it was for them.

Obviously, we didn't get it all done, but it had me thinking a lot about what is important to us, what comforts us, everyday items. My aunt(by marriage) was somehow assigned to sorting her bureau, and almost tossed a few items that I knew had been on my grandmother's bureau for at least 30 yrs. Holding one, a heavy blue glass bowl, plain and non-descript, I realized how much and how little you can know about someone. My great-great grandfather was a glass blower. He moved the family from Pennsylvania to Indiana in the early 20th century because a natural gas mine was found there, and the glassmakers moved.

The bowl does not symbolize the move, her family, etc to anyone who hasn't heard this story. But, I can hold it as I wrap it up, and imagine him handing it to her, something he made, something he brought home. Hand to hand, this passage of family and place.

My other aunt and uncle are visibly shaken by this experience(while handling things remarkably well), and I realized that may be why my other aunt was sorting, because in amongst the heirlooms we were finding stained clothes, odd stashes of $1 bills, boxes of razor blades(!), crumpled papers, etc. Physical signs that she is no longer the fastidious woman who raised them.

It wasn't bothering me at all. I tried to figure out why.

Am I more distant because she only raised me for a couple of years? I don't know, it is possible, but I don't think that is it. It may, instead, be that I can deal with this for two reasons:
1. I volunteered in a hospital for 2 yrs and worked with patients in much worse condition.
2. I have had to do similar cleaning after my mother's manic episodes.

Somehow, none of the mess, paranoia, etc, seems attached to my grandmother, to who I know her to be. The true her, her true self, is not a paranoid, forgetful, messy person. Those things are just in the way.

Nevertheless, I find myself sad today. Her life has changed and will continue to change, I will help her walk, as she helped me walk. I will encourage her to eat healthy foods, as she did with me.

I came home with a few boxes of things, some I really want, some I am unsure of, but my family wanted me to take them. Part of me wants to take them back, for a day, and learn stories about each of them, especially the everyday objects like an old-fashioned measuring cup with the measurements all embossed around the edges. Pre-pyrex. I think my aunts and uncle expected me to ask about the "valuable" items, all of which will go in my uncle's basement for storage(except for her china display case items( but I am realizing that I want these simpler things, things my family have used daily for 100 yrs.

Do you have some similarly mundane item that is from someone in your family that you treasure?

vidalia, roses, rain

I walked into a local supermarket last week and saw a large pile of onions, they were large and had slightly flattened tops and bottoms. I thought to myself, "The vidalia's are in!"

My grandfather would get excited each year, when the vidalias came in. I remember walking with him in the grocery store and him picking one up and saying, "These are different, they are sweet." Now that he is gone, and I am working on building my own family, memories like these really get to me. I am grateful I knew my grandfather enough to know such a small thing about him. I want my children to know their grandparents in that way. But Mr. S's father has emphysema, and I feel we've been on borrowed time for a while now. It is one of the hidden costs of infertility. I hope we can remedy it, and soon.

Our yard is covered in roses. The old-climbers on our fence are in full-blown bloom, weeks earlier than usual. A red profusion of loose petals(the kind that have a wide center, not a lot of petals), along with them are the roses I planted. Newer varieties, tea roses, large and showy and two of them are amazingly scented.

From the aforementioned grandfather(who raised me, with my grandmother, for 2 years) I inherited a saver's sensibility. One that is common with people raised in the Depression, or by depression era people. Normally I would leave all my roses on the branch. They live longer there. I might bring in one or two, to put by my bed. But rarely.

It has been raining on and off for a week now. Some of the roses have been de-petaled, and some look a little bedraggled. The wind is rising, tonight, and I decided to go and cut myself some roses. Outside, they make my yard cheerful. Inside they seem like an extravagance. Beautiful abundance.

I had my three-days of stims check today. Things seem to be progressing well. My lining is good, .61cm. I have 5 measureable(close to 1cm) follicles and 12 others. My estrogen is at 169. These are all things that seemed like code to me, but I've been looking things up. I get to stay on the same dosage and go back on Sunday.

In the meantime I look forward to promoting excess and abundance within myself.