18 months and finances(not really wholly related)

Since our little Acorn was born, I have been working very part-time. Overall, I love it, as I get out of the house 2x a week and get to talk to adults and pee when I want to, even for just a couple of hours. Plus, b/c of working pt, I get lots of time to watch Acorn develop and grow. Sometimes people ask me how I managed to get my job to let me work pt and I laugh, as there were major budget cuts right before Acorn was born, and I wasn't given any choice. For about 6 months now I've known I'd like to work a tad more(for money, for 'time to myself').. But, it isn't so easy to find more part-time work(or even good ft work) in my field. And, I have student loans on major deferral which need to be paid. With that in mind, I've been applying for FT jobs(some in my old field, more marketable) for about 6 months(only 1-2 a month, nothing crazy) and I keep getting to the 2nd round and then not making it further, or having the job disappear b/c of budget cuts. Argh!

There are days I feel like a failure, for being unable to find work, it can be unbelievably disheartening. I also get angry with myself for taking loans out to study such an unprofitable(financially) discipline.

Today I had a talk with a fellow mom that gave me some perspective. Without going into great detail about her own life, she is facing the end of her marriage and the end of her savings, and is on state health care. Trying to find a way to work and stay with her son.

My debt is no small thing, but it made me grateful for what I do have, a loving husband, health insurance(crappy high deductible, but there(, pt work and time with my Acorn.

And, she is 18 months old today and I feel so lucky to be a parent to this smart, fiesty, dancing girl. I am trying to maintain perspective and hold hope that there will be good work for me, paid work, soon, and that, in the meantime, I have this unpaid and highly rewarding work, during this fleeting toddler time.

funny girl

Through the years of dealing with Infert.ility, when imagining myself with a child, I rarely saw myself beyond this stage, beyond a baby. I envisioned a baby, wistfully, an infant. I wouldn't even let myself think of a child, it was too much, especially as I longed more and more and for longer and longer.

And suddenly, my baby, my girl is becoming a child. And, she is a funny one. She has a clear sense of humor and finds many things hilarious. One of the new ones: sneaking up on Mama and attacking my back. She loves this. We roar and growl at each other and roll around the bed at least once a day. She is more and more fun, and though she can still let out cries of frustration and aggravation, they seem to happen less often.

And, her language acquisition is a bit crazy. She tries to mimic about every 5th word I say. She gains 1-2 words a day, it is rather fun. Today she said, "oat-meeeel" for her favorite breakfast.

Acorn in the snow(15 months old):

10. 5 months

I had planned a lovely, memory filled look back at Ms. Acorn, on the occasion of achieving 9 month status, and how she was embarking on her 'longer on the outside than the inside'-life. But, life, busy-chaotic, full of plans, etc. intervened, and I composed in my head, but never here.
And now, she is almost 10.5 months. Zowee.
It does seem that many of us, here in bloglandia, remark upon a constant sense of disbelief at our baby aging. But, it does feel remarkable, daily. It is the most pedestrian thing: children grow, babies become toddler, etc. But, when you have seen other people's children grow, all while waiting for your own, when those babies, born after yours would've been if you'd conceived quickly, start walking, talking, swimming, etc., you feel yourself in a state of stuck-ness. Of how static YOU are. Then, suddenly, I became unstuck(thankfully, gratefully).. And so, I am one of the "I can't believe she is..."
But she is!
She is crawling, saying more 'words' pulling herself up and letting go, slowly lowering. She has a more and more clear sense of humor, of what she likes and doesn't like.
Here she is, one month ago, during our beach trip: She is roaring....

She loves: babies, children, animals(esp. our cats), me, her Dad, crawling, clapping, peek-a-boo, peaches, certain books, chewing on goggles, paper, cold water(drunk from a cup), dancing, singing(us), live music, ribbon, roaring.
She dislikes: new people poking her in the belly/face, or grabbing her hands, bottles, napping, when I eat cabbage, loud noises, wind-up-toys, the waves on the beach.
Her first birthday fast approaches. I will leave that for another day.

routine, what routine?

Every time I think I've figured out a routine with Acorn, something throws it off. Life with her is all about constant improvisation. Some days, it is our fault(we put her to bed later, or are out during her main naptime)... and some days it can be something as simple as the fact that she hasn't had her morning poo, and needs to. There are many days that I am grateful that I am able to have so much time at home with this girl, and then there are days I am like "Find some full-time work, woman!" because I want to have more intriguing things happen in my day then waiting for a baby to poop.

But, when I look for full-time work (outside of my field, as ft jobs in my field only go to people with a book or two or a phd) the idea of spending 40+ hours a week doing something I am not excited about, and being away from Ms. Acorn, seems not worth it.

In the publishing front, I've been sending stuff out again, and am about to send my book out some more. One of my poems will be published this summer, in an online journal. It is a poem I wrote while p.regnant, about pre.gnancy and a visit to a museum.

So, to get back to the idea of routine. Acorn started taking 1.5 hour long naps last week!(which is a miracle in itself, after months of 30-45 minutes)... Usually from 1030-12, or 11-1230, etc. But, today's was all messed up and she has finally just gone down, now, at 230. Here's hoping I don't have a waker in another 10 minutes(which is what happened at 11, today)...
Here is her royal adorableness having her first taste of (from our garden)peas.

first real fever

We are a tired family over here in the garden.
Acorn had her first real fever(not vaccine related) Fri-Saturday, it went from 100-102, depending on the hour. She was sad, cranky, restless and ate much less than usual. At first we thought teething, then ear infection. I was a mess! As some may know, if a 6+month old has a fever, it is not considered worthy of calling the doctor(esp. on a weekend) unless it is 103 and up. Yikes!

I called our Ped. at 8am on the dot this morning and we went in at 930. Acorn was pronounced "Fine." and the Doctor said it had probably been a summer virus, and the fever may have made her disinterested in eating much.

Having been a pet owner for years, I am well-versed in the frustrating feeling of helplessness one has when a non-verbal being in your care is unwell, but can't say what exactly is wrong.

All weekend, I kept having 3 am visions of dire fevers, and would be (for a minute) convinced that Acorn was dying b/c a spider had bitten her(unexplained red bump on her leg), or b/c I took her in the pool. Reason would win through, but those sneaky worrisome thoughts revisited when she woke each night crying and hot and sad.

She seems to be on the mend, thankfully. I know I am lucky that her first illness waited 7 months. And, I continue to have moments where I realize that this, being a parent, harrowing as it may be sometimes, is something I get to experience. Something I feared I never would.

first friends

As seen in the last post, Acorn has recently become aware of animals and babies. She is very very interested in them, and has a specific voice she uses to call a cat, dog, baby or young child to her. It rarely works, but I love that she is showing this kind of awareness to her surroundings. Our one cat will come and sit by us, and let Acorn pet her head. The neighbor's new puppy would like to lick/chew Acorn as much as possible, but he is young and has sharp teeth, so mostly I let her look at him.

My friend has a baby that is 3 months younger than Acorn. We get them together once every couple of weeks. This was taken at their last visit. And yes, they are almost the same size!




They kept grabbing hands, it was adorable. My Mom decided that they were the cutest pictures she'd ever seen. She is biased, obviously.





Here, Acorn is with another baby-friend, just 3 days older than she is. We expect to see them alot this summer, as we'll be at the same pool.

awareness of time

Our little Acorn turns six months next week. This is a bit mind-blowing to me. It seems a bit ridiculous, that I, an overly-educated individual, can be so disbelieving of the simple passing of time.

I realized some simple things about six months. The first being that six months is half of a year. (I warned you, my brain can't seem to compute complex thoughts, these days)... How can my baby be 1/2 of a year old? I received a note from b.abycenter last weekend that said, "At this time last year you were 12 weeks pregn.ant." We were just leaving the danger zone, so to speak. It is easy to look back and think of all of the milestones of my pr.egnancy, how happy I was to have it keep on continuing.

Our Acorn is a little yeller. She yells(not cries) when she wants to: move, eat, sleep, look at something, chew on something. We have not yet learned to differentiate these yells, so my day is filled with, OK, let's try this, moments. And, she is sitting up. Wobbly, but sitting. She engages her muscles in a way that makes me want to get myself to a pilates class.



Since she arrived, she has been(to me) a part of me. As she asserts herself, her likes and dislikes, her desire to be out in the world, I see that soon she will start to be more of an individual. It makes me a bit sad, though I know it means she is healthy and thriving, and growing older.

A Parent

For those of us who struggled for years with infertility, the dream of becoming a parent seems like some wistful/hopeful possibility. At least that is how it was for me. I watched so many friends go from single-self to parent-self and was a bit envious. I wondered if I would experience that transformation. Once I was pregnant(and the baby stayed) I was so worried about the baby arriving, healthy, that I still didn't imagine that I would truly be a parent.

The first few months of Acorn's life I was still settling in to parenthood. When people said "Mom and Dad" I thought they meant my Mom and Dad.

Months later, and seemingly suddenly, I am. I am a parent. I worry about her, I put her first. I learn from her, what she needs, and how to parent. I identify with other parents. It is a bit crazy, honestly. To long so long for something, for something complex, difficult, heartbreaking and heartwarming. To have that longed for thing, that new self, arrive.

21 week old

My baby is 21 weeks old today!
New things for this week:
1. slept through the night 2 times(but woke 3 times last night, so no new trend in sight)
2. can grab her toes with her hands. Makes diaper changing easier.
3. Has a new smile, she crinkles up her nose. Does this especially when she sees the camera.
4.Doesn't mind tummy time as much.
5. Has been yelling a LOT, maybe because of teething, we can't tell. Some afternoons are very long because of this.
6. Made her first 'joke' yesterday. She grabbed my elbow while I was changing her diaper and gave me a mischievous look. She started laughing when I looked at the way she held my arm. She has done this about 4 more times, and laughs each time I respond to the way she has grabbed me.
7. She grabs at plants when we're walking outside, has pulled forsythia blossoms from the branch.

She is still a baby, but the person, her personality is starting to really show.

An Acorn in (almost) Spring

My baby likes to be outside!!! This is very exciting.
We've had a long, cold winter. Acorn gets bored if we are in the same place for too long. She was a bit fussy the other day and I took her outside and she got super still and calm as I walked around and showed her spring flowers, crocus and snowdrop and hellebore.
Yesterday, I took her out and laid her on a mat & blanket so I could quickly plant something a neighbor was getting rid of(lilac, can you believe it?) and she cooed and squirmed like she does when I am standing above her. But I wasn't! It was the sky/trees/birds that she was cooing to.
Hurrah!

4 months

Acorn will be 4 months old tomorrow, and it is both crazy to me to think she is that old, and also not crazy because my life is so centered around her(mostly in a good way) nowadays. Thinking of the time reminds me of my relationship with Mr. S. We used to say, "Can you believe it has been X- years?" but then we couldn't imagine life without one another. (It will be 10 yrs this August, by the way)... That is how I feel about Acorn. At this time last year we were newly pregnant and very nervous. Wow.
Acorn coos and talks up a storm while in happy activity, and is quite a charmer.
Our newest challenge is super short naps(20-30 minutes on average) which make her grumpy, that, and she is very distracted while eating. If I talk, or if she hears others talking she wants to turn around and see what is going on. That makes being out a bit harder. I have perfected the car-nurse. She has this way of looking at me, post-feed and grinning adorably that makes me hope it is awhile until her teeth come in!
Nonetheless, we have been active, on weekdays especially. Between me working part-time, baby yoga, bre.astfeeding group and errands, we are often out for 4-6(or more) hours a day.

Spring bulbs are peeking their greenery up through the earth and I can't wait to have warm air to walk around in, and to share with Acorn.

One Year Ago Today(Egg Retrieval)

One year ago today we had our egg retrieval for IVF/ICSI 2. It was a rough time, my second time through. Once home I got sick and passed out and sent Mr. S into a major worry. But, we got 11 eggs, 5 fertilized, we transferred 2 (froze zero, sad) and from that we got our amazing, lovely and wonderful Acorn!
Just the other day I said to her, "you were our lucky egg."

I am unbelievably grateful. Thankful that we decided to go for one more try. Amazed that it worked(despite bad odds) and that we are now home with a very active, engaged, challenging and rewarding daughter.
Yay IVF!!!

Snow as tall as our baby

Acorn is 3 months old! Wow. We had a very rough couple of weeks leading up to the big 3 month day, and I was at my wit's end, wondering what was happening and thinking, "everyone said it gets easier now.. but not for us!"

After 2 weeks of rampant crying and outright screaching, I finally realized that she now needs calm and quiet to fall asleep, and that I have to leave her alone(this is the exact opposite of how she used to fall asleep for naps) so all that yelling was her saying, "Mama, don't feed me or entertain me, just let me be!" What a learning process this all is!

Just this week she really found her voice. It is a lovely thing, so cheery! She has little giggles and coos and chats with her toys, her hands, and us. I took her for her first 'swim' on Thursday night, she looked curious, worried, but never cried, even when I took her under water for 2 seconds! We have an adventurer.

We are digging out of the major storm. We got about 24 inches in our neighborhood. The icicles hanging from nearby rooftops are tremendous. Ours are long, but not as long, probably because we keep our house cooler. The streets are still slushy/icy and the trees in our area just aren't up to that much heavy/wet snow, many branches and trees are down. Happily, we haven't lost power.

Here is our little Acorn in her Bumbo chair.

10 weeks and looking around all the time!

Our 10 week old is doing some new things. Most notably:
1. she sleeps in 5 hour and then(sometimes) 4 hour stints at night! Sometimes she starts with a long sleep and then regresses to up every 2 hours. But, the huge change(and improvement) is she usually falls back asleep within 30 minutes. It used to be 45 min. to 2 hours we'd be up!
2. She gets bored easily. She has a new love, Star(a stuffed toy I made)..here they are together: (star is black/white/red on the side she looks at)...and loves images from wee gallery, high contrast books and other visually intriguing things.
3. She had her first visit to a museum, and totally looked at art!(or at least small pieces of the large art). She has this great way of raising her eyes or focusing intently when she likes something.
4. We have started 'itsy bitsy yoga' which is really just 'stretch the baby' time, but it is fun, she likes it, and I meet other new moms.

and finally, one year ago today I was gearing up to start injectables, how crazy is that?

There is more, but I am tired. Here is our girl, looking out from her play mat:

more smiles, longer sleep

Our baby Acorn smiles more each day, she is starting to smile and coo at the same time, which makes her cough a bit, but she stays smiling. A friend had told me, during my first exhausted weeks, that when the baby starts responding to you things get easier. She was right! It isn't easy, per se, but easier.

I have yet to get more than 3 hours of sleep in a row, but that is b/c I have over-productive milk, and wake leaking.

We had a huge snowstorm here, the week before Christmas. The next day we went on a walk and I ended up falling on some ice. I was wearing Acorn, but luckily I fell in a way to protect her. I skinned my knee, but she was so fine that she stayed asleep(in her carrier) even though she was 4 inches from the ground. Mr. S said it was a crazy thing to watch.

Christmas was a bit tiring for us, trying to do our normal run around(modified some) and still get lots of presents for people. I would've been much happier at home. But, everyone is so happy to see our Acorn and to see her smile and watch them.

She'll be 8 weeks tomorrow, that is crazy to me!

one month

I've been reading _from the h.ips_ the book a friend sent me and that was highly recommended. Man, is it helpful to read through all of the conflicting emotions and reactions that people have after they baby arrives!

Acorn is one month old and has celebrated by sleeping a full 5 hours in a row, three nights in a row! Of course, this starts at 7pm, and after 2+ hours of fussy cluster feeding(which wears me out, but at least I have the hope of quiet to get me through it...) Part of me wants to just go to sleep when she does, but I have been going to bed more around 930-10. Unfortunately, my b.reasts still wake me up every 2.5-3 hours! They get leaky and I wake, wondering why the baby isn't feeding. I am trying to pump less, so they will desist. I have to do laundry a LOT because of milk on my day and night clothes! I do another 2 hour wake and feed around 1-2am, and am dealing pretty well with the broken sleep. Mostly, that is.

I am still having some pains in that area as well, mostly b/c the antibiotics for the mastitis re-flared the yeast inf. which causes crazy shooting pains. So strange! I do look forward to not feeling governed by my chest, but know that will be months or more.

But, I am able to look ahead a few days, and I can see how Acorn is getting into a semi-rhythm and also starting to make faces at us. I've seen her 'sleep-smile' a few times and can't wait to see it when she is awake!

It snowed Saturday, huge fat flakes. Mr. S and I were on the couch with the baby between us, and I had one of my first peaceful, truly happy moments. Lovely.

breastfeeding woes and, eventually, thanks

P.S.A.: I talk about my brea.sts a lot in this entry.
Wow, I wish I could say I am in blissed out "we finally had a baby" land, but really, the newborn thing is hard. I told Mr. S this weekend that I feel like I am under 'nipple slavery'.

I developed a breast-yeast infection, and was diagnosed last Friday. The treatment was semi-working, but then I started having more pain, and just crying from the pain, and imagining each feeding with major worry and sadness. I called my midwife center yesterday, and they had me check some symptoms(fever: no, hot bre.asts: yes) and they said "Come in!") I went in and they winced when they saw my cracked, red nipples. They said it makes sense I've been crying a lot, as the pain would bring anyone down.

Turns out I have the bre.astfeeding trifecta: Cracked nipples, a yeast infection(in the b.reasts) and mastitis. So, I have been forbidden to bfeed for 2 days, and am to pump and feed her that way. I am medicining it up. I am starting to feel better, but the all pumping thing is a time sucker, oh man! And, I have this weird feeling of odd irony that on the day of feasting I have to use a machine to get milk to put into a bottle to feed my baby.

But, that brings me to part two of this entry...
I have a baby! This time last year we were coming up on 3 yrs ttc, and I was still dealing with the very physical effects of my miscarriage. I was wondering if I'd ever have my own baby.
Now I do!
I told her this morning about Thanksgiving, a day of feasting, family and gratitude. I told her that she is what we are most grateful for, and how long we've waited for her.

This holiday, this year, has made me realize that the need for a holiday like thanksgiving was called for by trials, hardship. It makes sense to balance the feast with gratitude of what has brought us to this feast, to this day of thanks.

two weeks and the obligatory journal quandary

We are celebrating Acorn's 2 week birthday today! Yay two weeks! We are still in the midst of major adjustments, and man, is brea.stfeeding so much more challenging than I expected! It is the hardest thing, so far. Harder than the inconsistent sleep.

So, is this still an infertility blog? I don't know. I still think about infertility, and know we will face a very similar journey if we want to try for another baby. I think about my friends still trying(both online and in person friends) I think about friends I think may be dealing, silently, with infertility. I still want more honesty about infertility in our world.

On the flip side, I am seeing the holidays come up, the holidays that we passed for the past 3+ years yearning for a child, and now that longed for child is here. It is baffling to compare this years pre- holiday newborn time to last years post-miscarriage aftershock and depression.

I am the same, I am different. I am changed, but I know who that person, what that pain was.

We are embraced by our local community, we receive food 2x a week, we are borrowing carriers, a sleeper, cloth diaper things. We are in the club. New members. Tentative. Grateful.

One Week Old!

Our baby, who shall be henceforth be called Acorn on here, is one week old today!

We are a bit sleep-deprived right now, so I shall just post some requested photos:

pensive baby

,

our little Acorn

3 days here

Our baby arrived on Thursday afternoon!!!

I went into labor the day before at 6pm, and labored slowly, slept for 2.5 hours and then was awake at 230 am with contractions I couldn't sleep through. I wanted to go to the birth center, but they were like "you must be in Active labor!" and I was frustrated that I couldn't go. But then, as I lay on the bed and looked at birds out my window I had the realization: "just because I get there doesn't mean the baby comes right away!"

The birth center had me come in at 930 am and I was 'only 3 cm' so they said "go home and come back in 2 hours." Having had a couple of contractions in the car, and in traffic, I was like "I don't want to go home." So we went to the nearby huge garden/park. It was a beautiful morning, but I was in pain, so I walked, contracted, looked at plants, and we went back.

They checked me and the student midwife said, "she is just 3-4cm." so they were like "we'd like you to go home and sleep for 2 hours." Mind you, my contractions were getting really rough, and I was like "NO WAY!" but not out loud. Mr. S convinced them to let me rest there for a bit. They checked me in an hour and the student midwife said "still 4." but the head midwife looked and was like "no, that is 5." which made me wonder about the previous check.

So, I was officially admitted.

By then the labor had removed me from my brain and I was a bit primal and in a netherworld of pain. I found out a day later that I went from 5 to 10 cm in less than 2 hours, and that is why I was in so much pain, so non-stop. I definitely was like "this is why people do epidurals" but knowing I didn't have the option, it was just a wistful thought.

They filled the tub and while waiting for that my water broke in a big burst.

I labored in the tub, lost to the world, with 3 midwives and Mr. S all helping. They went to do a dilation check and could feel the head, so they said I was getting ready to go. Every push/contraction felt like it had to be the one, and finally, one was. I had the baby and they had me walk to the bed, holding the baby!!! (they supported me) we laid on the bed, baby and me, me saying "you are here, you came, you're safe!" and still shaking. After a few minutes we realized we didn't even know boy or girl, so they had Mr. S check, and we found out it was a girl!

So, our baby girl was born at 323pm and weighed 6lb.11oz, and was 19.5 inches long. I could say much more, but just wanted to get this posted for now.

She is absolutely gorgeous and I feel worlds of gratitude that she arrived safely, and we are all home. Today was our due date, and she is 3 days old and sleeping off a milk coma(my milk came in today)...