Moving through

Well, we had to go get the beta today. As Mr. S said, "We drive 40 minutes, wait another 40 minutes for a 5 minute procedure." A couple of hours later, my nurse called, and said, "As we expected, it is negative, less than 1." She said that at least we have 2 frozen embryos.

I have to go in one more time this week for my study "exit interview" which includes, oh joy, another physical, and more blood drawn. I am so tired of blood draws.

Friday was terrible. It came to me, throughout my day of sitting and watching tv and reading and crying on and off, that a failed IVF is very similar to a death. In a real way, it is a death, of your embryo/s that you know were thriving. It is also the death of a very dear hope.

Mr. S and I went out to eat, Friday, I needed to be out of the house, and also to be somewhere where we knew no one. We went to a loud, local burger place(they have veggie burgers), and talked and talked. It was good to go over it all, he was feeling mostly anger, me mostly sadness.

As we were driving home, he grabbed my hand, in the way he normally does to kiss it, and then pulled it up to his ear. I realized he wanted me to squeeze his earlobe, a small thing that he says gives him comfort. As I did it, I felt overwhelmed with love and sadness together and thought, "We have each other and will get through this." I felt very grateful for that small gesture and how much we know each other.

The next day was much better, for both of us.
We are both sad, and careful of where we go.

Today, after the bloodtest, while having breakfast, Mr. S said to me, "I am so proud of us for going out on Friday night and for talking."

He doesn't have the support of an online group of people like I do(though he does often read on here) but I feel he is doing pretty well with communicating. This outlet, this community of people online in invaluable to me. Thank you.