messy

we spent the weekend away at a rainy/grey poetry festival. Today is 2 weeks since we lost the baby. I have hours of almost ok-ness, and then overwhelming sadness.

Here is today's poem:



summer’s leavings

the flour is webbed and so is the almond meal
cayenne reveals one wriggling worm, dropped
into the pan of sizzling potatoes and removed
with a quick flick of the fingernail

the last tomatoes are rotting in the fridge
pressed close to clear drawers, they soften and sour
the yogurt has molded a green airy moss

crickets gather in corners
in each room’s pretend night,
sing and mate
moths dot the doors of the cupboard
make the inside air a wild thing
they die in grey smears and dust
we no longer feel guilty, routinely
wash our fingers clear and return to our day

the new fridge leaks water, a stream
every other day that follows the slant
of our sloped floor, small breaks
in the screen allow mosquitoes and flies in
we tape the mistakes we find, and know
there are others, unseen

and so our house creaks back to a wooded
field, though we struggle, live with daily removal
sweep cricket eggs from the corner, discard the box of nuts

honey grows golden in the jar, crystal edged
we freeze everything we remember to
and put faith in sealed jars that sometimes work

I take down the pictures of what was growing
for a time, in me, from you
I don’t know where to put them
leave only that photo of the two of us
with that hope between us, in our eyes and slight smiles

some days, I hate that picture, though we are almost beautiful
in that happy time, under trees
with family, unseen, all around us

all the flowering herbs of summer
make a muddy water in their jar, a swampy thing

the zucchini rots at one end, I cut the mold away
grate the still firm middle
scoop flour from the middle and examine for worms
also the meal, and the sugar
eyes search for each invader
praise the fresh egg and the untainted vanilla
take spoon, measure and stir

wait some time, let the oven do its one job
containment and release, the rush of flame
of the heated air, the alchemy of our everyday lives
ignore the neglected plant for one more day
let it go, leaves dropped more than leaves held

we are losing it all, I feel right now, but make something anyway
today’s small gift of muffins, spiced as I know you like them
what I can stir together from summer’s leavings

Lost

Thank you for all of your kind words and thoughts. I appreciate them all.

Yesterday, I foolishly decided to go to work, to teach. I thought to myself that it would be better than lying around. The actual teaching was good, I forgot things momentarily. But the travel to and from was terrible, I kept thinking sad thoughts and having to stop myself from getting emotional. On the street, on the metro, driving. On my way to class I worried about breaking down in class(that was when I knew I shouldn't have gone) and I thought 'how will I explain it?' and decided 'I'll tell them there was a death in the family yesterday.' and then I realized it. There was a death. There was a heartbeat, and then there wasn't.

I feel like I am floating. I walk outside, I cross the road, I am surprised each time my foot connects and my stride continues. I think to myself, 'at least you aren't falling down.' I don't quite believe this has happened to us. Two years and seven months of trying to get pregnant, and it is already over.

To attain this pregnancy I went through months of shots, weeks of doctor's appointments, daily monitoring. Thousands of dollars, our own and our siblings. All for nothing. I can't grasp it. Childlishly, I keep thinking 'this isn't fair' and 'this wasn't supposed to happen.'

I don't know where to go from here. Our insurance won't cover anything. We know that we can't get pregnant naturally. And, all I want is to be pregnant again.

I was only pregnant for 3 weeks(knowing, I mean) and I loved it. I felt connected to life, I felt like I was finally continuing on a path I so long to travel. Even having lost it, I am glad I was pregnant.

Now I am stuck again. We are stuck. Mr. S said, "We need to rob a bank." Truly, I don't want to go through more months of shots, etc. But I would. If only it were that easy. Decide to do it, and do it.

Moving through

Well, we had to go get the beta today. As Mr. S said, "We drive 40 minutes, wait another 40 minutes for a 5 minute procedure." A couple of hours later, my nurse called, and said, "As we expected, it is negative, less than 1." She said that at least we have 2 frozen embryos.

I have to go in one more time this week for my study "exit interview" which includes, oh joy, another physical, and more blood drawn. I am so tired of blood draws.

Friday was terrible. It came to me, throughout my day of sitting and watching tv and reading and crying on and off, that a failed IVF is very similar to a death. In a real way, it is a death, of your embryo/s that you know were thriving. It is also the death of a very dear hope.

Mr. S and I went out to eat, Friday, I needed to be out of the house, and also to be somewhere where we knew no one. We went to a loud, local burger place(they have veggie burgers), and talked and talked. It was good to go over it all, he was feeling mostly anger, me mostly sadness.

As we were driving home, he grabbed my hand, in the way he normally does to kiss it, and then pulled it up to his ear. I realized he wanted me to squeeze his earlobe, a small thing that he says gives him comfort. As I did it, I felt overwhelmed with love and sadness together and thought, "We have each other and will get through this." I felt very grateful for that small gesture and how much we know each other.

The next day was much better, for both of us.
We are both sad, and careful of where we go.

Today, after the bloodtest, while having breakfast, Mr. S said to me, "I am so proud of us for going out on Friday night and for talking."

He doesn't have the support of an online group of people like I do(though he does often read on here) but I feel he is doing pretty well with communicating. This outlet, this community of people online in invaluable to me. Thank you.