Lost

Thank you for all of your kind words and thoughts. I appreciate them all.

Yesterday, I foolishly decided to go to work, to teach. I thought to myself that it would be better than lying around. The actual teaching was good, I forgot things momentarily. But the travel to and from was terrible, I kept thinking sad thoughts and having to stop myself from getting emotional. On the street, on the metro, driving. On my way to class I worried about breaking down in class(that was when I knew I shouldn't have gone) and I thought 'how will I explain it?' and decided 'I'll tell them there was a death in the family yesterday.' and then I realized it. There was a death. There was a heartbeat, and then there wasn't.

I feel like I am floating. I walk outside, I cross the road, I am surprised each time my foot connects and my stride continues. I think to myself, 'at least you aren't falling down.' I don't quite believe this has happened to us. Two years and seven months of trying to get pregnant, and it is already over.

To attain this pregnancy I went through months of shots, weeks of doctor's appointments, daily monitoring. Thousands of dollars, our own and our siblings. All for nothing. I can't grasp it. Childlishly, I keep thinking 'this isn't fair' and 'this wasn't supposed to happen.'

I don't know where to go from here. Our insurance won't cover anything. We know that we can't get pregnant naturally. And, all I want is to be pregnant again.

I was only pregnant for 3 weeks(knowing, I mean) and I loved it. I felt connected to life, I felt like I was finally continuing on a path I so long to travel. Even having lost it, I am glad I was pregnant.

Now I am stuck again. We are stuck. Mr. S said, "We need to rob a bank." Truly, I don't want to go through more months of shots, etc. But I would. If only it were that easy. Decide to do it, and do it.