It's Over

And just like that, I am not pregnant.

I started cramping last night and had light spotting and got worried, but not too worried, as I know this is a big growing time for the embryo.

But, at 2 am I woke with more cramps and went to the bathroom and passed tissue. At that point I felt pretty sure, but was holding out hope.

I slept terribly. I didn't say anything else(he knew about spotting) to Mr. S, b/c I didn't want to mess with his sleep too. I called my nurse and made an appt. to go in for an emergency ultrasound.

Mr. S already had the day off, as I had planned to take him for a hike. It is his birthday. Worst birthday ever.

We drove, waited. I felt frozen and numb. I was determined not to cry or get too upset, yet, since I knew I could've been passing the twin.

But, there was nothing on the u/s. The Dr. was surprised that it happened so fast. The u/s tech just said, "I am sorry."

Our nurse met with us and kept saying that there was nothing I did to make this happen. They'll test the tissue and let us know what they find. I didn't cry until the blood tech was taking my blood and suddenly I started.

Mr. S and I got ourselves together, went and got food(he had eaten nothing, yet) and drove to a local park to eat and hike some. Coming home, it hit me again. During the day, while we were out, we knew, but it didn't feel fully real, because no one else did.

The odd thing is that I am (currently) no more upset than I was when our IVF failed. Mind you, that is plenty upset, but I am functional, if crying easily. It is strange.

Yesterday afternoon I was my normal, nauseous, pregnant self. Today I am not. I can't fathom how quickly it all changed.

I could go on and on, but I won't, for now.

If you know me IRL, please don't call me for a day or so, and please tell those people you know don't read here, but knew about us. I can't handle telling people, right now.