20 weeks! Wow.

We had our big ultrasound yesterday. We were both nervous, but it went well.

And, it was the first full day of summer, so that is lovely.

It was so wonderful to see the baby for over 30 minutes, moving(not much, should've had some juice or something) and just looking healthy and good. At first, we were told we couldn't film it, but then she said, "OK, just don't say anything." Mr. S thinks it is because he got a very disappointed look on his face when she said we couldn't. Also, we just used our digital camera, so maybe she knew it wouldn't be high quality.
The baby is measuring well, and we saw the heart and brain up close, and the spine. All looked good. We couldn't see the profile well, as the baby was head down and a little smooshed.
At one point, the tech. had the baby showing face on, and the baby moved its hands in beside the chin and the tech said, "Oh, how cute!" and we were both thinking, while looking at the skull-looking shot, 'ok, cool, not quite cute.' Funny. We are calling the pics our "day of the dead baby" pictures. We managed to not see any gender bits, the tech. told us when to look away.
A Dr. came in afterwards to do his own 10 second look, and he said everything looks good, and my placenta is in a good place for a va.ginal delivery. Hurrah! Here's hoping!
So, here you are, a bit of the ultrasound, with music, again, from our friends band, Win.terpills. And, the original idea to video-record the u/s shout-out goes to the Mamas at Robobebe. Thanks!
I like seeing the little foot pushes, and the flutter of the heart.

(for some reason, blogger isn't getting along with the code, so the video is directly below:)

video from 11.5 weeks

Here is last week's ultrasound! Grainy, but lovely. The baby started moving right away.



I could not figure out how to get rid of the embarrassing audio of us asking the Dr. questions, so I went to put music over it, and lo and behold, photob.ucket has my friends' band, wint.erpills on there! How cool!

NT all is good

We had our NT scan this morning.
I was so nervous!
But, the baby was there right away, healthy and moving. We could see the nasal bone immediately, which the Dr. said is wonderful. The neck measurement was also quite good(I think 1.3mm) she didn't give us anything, so I don't know exact. She said it was fantastic as well.
We brought our camera and took a quick video of baby Lulen moving. So amazingly cool! I'll try and upload it soon.
All is bright and sunny and lovely today, my mood is cheery and Mr. S feels the same. We are super relieved.
I think it is going to be hard to stay quiet now.

Little Bouncer

I've had a lot of family stress this week, and was getting nervous about stress and miscarriage.

Thankfully, our little baby is thriving.

We had our first regular OB appointment this morning. They did a belly ultrasound! Too early to hear the heartbeat, but we could see plenty. The baby measured exactly 9.5 weeks and had a strong heartbeat. And, we saw it move! An arm wave, and some general bouncing.

Oh my, that short view of our baby moving is the best thing I've seen in a long long time. Mr S. was like, "we need to video that next time" even 5 seconds of movement was amazing.

I am now labeled 'low risk' except my age, which the Dr. isn't worried about. Wow.
Next up, nuchal test. Not sure when, yet. The OB said that since I've been dealing with IF, etc, I am extremely informed and way ahead of what most first time parents know. Finally, my research addiction is paying off!

baby-ish, babyfish

The ultrasound went wonderfully, baby measured exactly 8 weeks, 3 days, and heartbeat was 160bpm. Hurrah!
We are truly released from the RE, it will be strange to be at the OB and considered a 'regular pregnant person' I can't wrap my head around it.

My RE left us a really nice congratulatory message, and wished me a 'normal, healthy pregnancy' and said she wanted 'a picture.' & I thought, a picture? Oh yeah, of the baby. The BABY she expects us to have. I am still thinking in terms of weeks, not months. But, I am relaxing, slowly.

So, here is babyfish, starting to look baby-ish(and a lot like the little baby in the ticker, cool)...

Reading about Food

Some of you know I teach cre.ative writing, already, now all of you do. It is always interesting to see what I notice about what my students are writing. Themes are pretty consistent with college students: love, parents, relationships, random violence, drunken-ness, poems about childhood, many stories about highly successful but unhappy people.

Last semester I noticed (and I think there were) more stories about pregnancy. As far as I know, none of my students knew I'd been pregnant at the beg. of the semester.

This semester, people seem to mention food alot. I have a feeling it is no more than usual. But, reading a student's piece at 8 am, a piece that has the food combo "meatballs and asparagus" made me feel green(easy to do these days) and I just opened the next piece(these are creative non-fic) and it is about subw.ay sandwiches.

I went to get a bowl of cereal and will read it in a bit.

My morning sickness is manifesting mostly as general nausea, and a desire not to think about or see food, unless I am eating it.

In class, we start the fiction unit this week. Here's hoping they stick to relationship issues!

My ultrasound is in 2 hours, I am less nervous than usual, more excited. I hope it goes well.

That's no Blob, that's my Baby

As promised, some ultrasound pics. Honestly, they aren't great. Next week I'll ask for a zoom-in or something!
This is from 7weeks 3 days. The bottom one shows the heartbeat and rate.

relief

All went well at the ultrasound. The baby measured 7 1/2 weeks, with a heartbeat of 159 bpm. Hurrah!

Mr. S was even more happy than I. He squeezed my foot when she said, "and there is the heartbeat, it looks great."
Huge sigh of relief!

We went and had a nice breakfast, then he went to work and I went to class.

I'll try and get a picture up soon.

We got our 'graduation' packet, and can either go for one more u/s next week, or move onto the OB. I think I'll see how long we have to wait for an appointment, and then decide.

Yay baby, yay heartbeat!

ultrasound number 2, in 2 hours

I woke up too early this morning, and spent 30 minutes trying to get back to sleep. But, I can't!

We have ultrasound number 2 this morning, and I am so nervous about it.

I continue to have reassuring pregnancy signs: nausea if I don't eat quickly, weird tightening if I sneeze(which I do a lot, since I am getting over a cold), peeing way more than usual, large b.rea.sts. But still, I am worried. I had the oddest 'leaping' feeling in my lower abdomen 3 days ago, and it got me super paranoid.

I have a super busy day today, but will try and update at some point in the afternoon.

To all who have commented on my last post, thanks so much. It will take me some time to visit and read over blogs of new people, but I am so happy to get to know you.

Ultrasound one

I woke up super early this morning with anxiety about the pregnancy and ultrasound. I was worried there's be no baby, or I'd have an ectopic, or something. (I have had lots of odd pains).

We got to the clinic in record(for a weekday) time, and even ran into a friend who is currently on IUI's, and very hush-hush so we didn't ask her anything(or tell)... After a long wait, we were called in, and we saw...
One yolk sac. I had a moment of super-sadness. What about embryo B? But, I am getting over it. The RE said the sac was in a great place(high up) and he thought he could see the fetal pole and h/b area, but the u/s tech was like "I am not convinced" which wasn't great for Mr. S's worry-nodes. But, she didn't realize we aren't at 6 weeks yet(they usually wait until then) and her parting comment was, "If you were here this afternoon, I bet we'd catch that heartbeat." Which made me happy.

We have a picture, but it is super tiny and just looks like a round donut in a dot. Mr. S couldn't scan it at work.

The rest of the day has lived up to Fri. 13th unluckiness, they couldn't find our b/w order, so we had to wait 30 more minutes to do that, and then I hit HORRENDOUS traffic on my drive to the city/school and I was so late my students had already left(which I knew would happen, college students may leave after 15 min, and I was almost 30 minutes late). So, the stressful drive was all for naught.

But, I am safely home, and enjoying imagining that even now my body is host to not one heartbeat, but two. Mine and that of our tiny tiny baby.

chick

Mr. S has succesfully scanned our ultrasound picture. Today we are at just 6 weeks, so there isn't much to see. The dark space with the circle in it is the yolk sac and the embryo and the little heart area. It sort of looks like a chick with a large eye, looking over something. The something is what may be the other sac, empty.





Thank you to everyone for your kind words and thoughts today. Today has been a really nice day, beautiful weather, and the reality of our baby kicking in!

When we left for the ultrasound, I saw a monarch larvae attaching itself to our gatepost. This evening I went to look at it, and it was all encased in its gorgeous chrysalis. Hopeful and waiting.

One

We are having... ONE!

We saw the flicker of the heart, and a nice sac, which was lovely to see. Mr. S is scanning the picture for me, and I'll post it here. The baby is right on target for size.

We did see a smaller sac, the u/s Dr. was very non-communicative and just said it could've been two that implanted and one didn't grow. That would explain the higher hcg numbers. (the latter is my supposition, he said nothing) my nurse is supposed to call and maybe I'll learn more then. It is sad to think of the baby that didn't make it.

I feel both a little disappointed, and also relieved. I am happy to know we'll have an easier pregnancy, I can work next semester, less chance of bedrest, etc. But, twins would've been cool. My disappointment is evaporating quite quickly with my relief, odd, these mixed feelings.

It is such a relief to know the baby is in a good place, and is growing well.

t-minus 78 minutes

My ultrasound is in less than 1 1/2 hrs. I had been pretty good at not paying much attention to how soon it is, until I woke up, that is!

I am excited and nervous. I really hope we have a little bean(or two) in the right place, all healthy and the right size.

I got convinced, last night, that I was no longer pregnant, b/c my b.reasts felt lower. I worried about it for an hour, and then decided I'd rather know at that time, rather than at the u/s. So, I took one of my $1.50 tests. The line came up super dark and I didn't feel silly at all.

If I can have a night's peace of mind for less than $2, I will take it!

Feeling in Limbo

It is strange, in a way, I am thrilled to be pregnant and already dreaming of our baby/babies, wondering how they'll look, etc. (example, I looked at Mr. S's fingernails and his are pale pink like mine, our skin color is quite different, and I said "hey, we know what their fingernails will look like!"- goofy, I know)

But, I am also extremely aware of my upcoming ultrasound. I feel like I won't truly believe in this pregnancy until we've seen something, or even heard a heartbeat. We might have to wait another week for that, though.

Is this the problem with too much knowledge? It could be another cost of infertility, being aware of just how many things can go wrong. If we'd gotten pregnant easily, would I be this focused on the ultrasound?

Other than the people who read here, we've told our parents and a couple of close friends.

It was extremely gratifying to tell Mr. S's oldest friend, today. Mr. S asked me if I wanted to do it, and I said that I've told enough people(incl. his parents) and I wanted him to experience telling someone. It was great to hear Mr. S's reactions to our friend's reactions. When he passed the phone over to me, his friend said, "I am just so happy for you, I have tears running from my eyes." This guy loves Mr. S like a brother, and he and his wife dealt with IF, so I knew he'd be happy. Plus, he is an only child, as is his daughter, so I know our kids will be like cousins.

It is wonderful to have good news to share. It will be even better when we reach a point where we can share it without the postscript of "it is still early, you never know, please don't tell anyone."

Obligatory Stirrup entry

Ah, the stirrups. They are something every woman dealing with infertility has had to get way more comfortable with then she'd like. My guess is that most of us, including those who used to dislike annual ob exams, now scoff at the yearly lift of the feet and scoot down the table. In the past 5 weeks, I've had my feet up in those stirrups, bum to the air, over 10 times.

I've never been the most modest person. In college I was known for being willing to strip down and jump in the river. I even helped re-start our college's annual May Day bike ride. When a friend heard it had been a college tradition in the 70's they said, "Poppy, you are the person to get this going again." And I got 6 volunteers and we stripped down and rode through campus, au naturel. I did it 2 more times before I moved away.

Anyway, due to this kind of nudity comfort, I am OK with being naked, with just a paper 'sheet' between me and anyone in the room. And, I am mostly OK with the dildo-cam.

Today I was lead to the ultrasound room, asked to get ready, and left alone. Usually someone comes within 5 minutes. This time it was 10-15. I got bored. At least the room was warm! I actually leaned back and was reading my magazine, when the knock came. The tech came in and we had our normal small talk. 5 seconds later the door opens. No knock.

I am thinking, "Who is this guy, did he forget something?"
He looks at the monitor and then says, "Hi, I'm Dr. Study" (he actually says his name and I slightly remember seeing it on the study literature)
He proceeds to watch the ultrasound in progress and second guessesthe tech on one follicle. Never explains why he is in there.
Me, internally, "Oh, please, don't worry about me. Why not leave the door open?"

I wonder what other people would do in this situation, we seem taught to be quite mute in medical settings, and even I felt cowed by my half-nude state. I do wish I had said, "Who are you? Why are you in here?"

He tells me everything looks great and I'm progressing like they'd hoped, and I'll probably trigger Thursday, as most people do after 10 days of stims, and he leaves.

We finish up, but my normally chatty tech is clearly flustered and doesn't even give me both follie sheets.

I didn't realized I'd gotten used to my normal u/s routine, but he threw me off too! Also, the idea of 2 more days of stims, with me growing more bloated feeling by the hour, does not appeal.

I called my nurse and she said, "He doesn't get to decide when you trigger, don't worry."

Today's results are in, and they are good, I think. For those who have a clue of what I am talking about, here are my numbers. (I include them b/c I have become a number junkie, checking mine against some others to make sure I am alright). After 7 days on stims(150 iu gonal-f, 75 luveris and 5 lupron)
Estrogen is 1157(was 344 on Sunday)
Right ovary- 7 "measurable" follicles- most between 12-15mm, one at 16.
Left ovary- 8 "measurable" follicles- most at 14-15mm.
Lining 11mm.

My tech said that my left ovary looked like a condo. I go back tomorrow, and hope everyone is back to normal!

you won't get away that easy

I thought I was going to be one of the lucky ones who had no lupron side-effects. But, on Monday night, while reading blogs, I started to get little shooting pains across my temples. I decided not to post my own journal, and to chill with Mr. S. We watched some TV(brothers and sisters, which I think is dealing pretty well with infertility issues) and I went to bed early.

Tuesday the headache was worse, but not evil yet. We* drove out to our fertility clinic for our ultrasound, bloodwork and meds.

*Last summer, in the midst of our first IUI and my clomid challenge test, I did most of the Dr. visits alone. Then, one day, Mr. S and I drove in together for him to drop off his "sample", and I had to wait 2 hrs for them to prep it for our IUI. He was like "OK, see you later." and I was like, "Hey, buddy, I've been coming here 1-2 times a week, getting poked and prodded, you can wait with me." Many more things were said, but he decided to stay. For this, our first IVF, we decided he'd try and go to every other appt. as well as informative ones.

Yesterday was a pick up the meds one, so it was good he went. After the ultrasound, which showed no cysts and 21 antral follicles, we met with our study nurse. She had the cutest pink and brown bag, and inside were boxes of medications, a sharps container and a ton of needles and alcohol swabs. She showed us how to mix the gonal-f, we asked a bunch of questions and were on our way. I dropped Mr S at the metro and made my way home.

Headache while on the beltway-medium.

I got home and it was getting worse. I teach once a week at an after-school program and had missed last week, due to exams. I didn't want to cancel again. The coordinator said, "Just do something easy." On my way I called Mr. S and said, "What is the best thing to do when you have a headache? Why, go teach a bunch of 5-7 year olds, of course!"

So I went in, and did a drawing people lesson(normally we do creative writing). It was fun, they were mostly good, but my headache was veering into migraine status. Clear thinking was clearly being swept away by either the hormones or the headache! I thought to myself, "It would be bad at home too, might as well be out."

I drove to pick Mr. S up, and 2 blocks away got stopped by a parade of hundreds of police motorcycles. They just blocked off our road and drove by. About 5 green lights (and us not moving) later, we got to go and I got to his office.

We were headed to a poetry reading, and I felt I had to go. Why? Well, it was my college prof. Luc.ille Clif.ton. She was good, and I was mostly happy to be there, but I was aware that I'd be starting my stims, and they were sitting on the pew beside me in their little lunch cooler. Officially I was supposed to start at 830, and the reading was still going on. But, the idea of mixing those meds for the first time, in a non-private church basement bathroom, with the choir practicing right outside was one thing too many for me.

Mr. S drove home and I reclined my seat and covered my eyes. Mixing the meds was easy, but man, 150iui of gonal-f looks like a lot to be putting in your stomach! We decided he'd mix and measure and I'd "shoot up", so that is what we did. The luveris was harder to mix properly, but we got it done and in.

Mr. S went out to game and I laid on the couch and attempted to watch tv, and then read and went to sleep, praying I wouldn't have headache dreams. I didn't. Today it is mild, but if I bend over it flares up. As I had planned to spend the day weeding, I am annoyed. But, I know I am lucky to have had this only start now. And, I am very very excited to be started with the stims.

After our appointment yesterday I said to Mr. S, "Just think, one of those follies we saw could be our child. In fact, it could be all of our children." They are remarkably like seeds right now, tiny dark circles floating in my ovaries, waiting to be plumped up.