sideways attack

School started yesterday, and I must say, that though I tried not to think of the beginning of last semester(when I was pregnant) I did. I thought it when I decided to walk up 6 flights of stairs(something I normally do, but didn't while P), I thought it when I decided to go to the school cafeteria/salad bar(something P people shouldn't do), and I thought it when feeling my normal "first day of classes" nervousness, instead of last semester's "I am already having morning sickness, please let them think I am shiny b/c I am hot or nervous."

I also had an attack of sadness last week at my brother's birthday dinner. We were at a long table, and I was seated next to a woman I don't know, she was wearing a fashionably baggy sweater thingy.
You can see where this is going, but I didn't.

We had pleasant "I don't know you but we both care for N" conversation. Then, about 30 minutes in, another of their friends leans across the table and says "how are you feeling, are you nauseous?" The woman replies, says "No." (slow person me, starts to be like "huh?") then the friend says, "Wow, you're hardly showing, how far along are you?" Turns out she was 6 months, about 2 wks ahead of where I would've been. I still remained calm, while cursing the current baggy trend. But the friend started into a fired barrage of questions: "It must be awesome to be pregnant in winter, right? You must be so excited to be due in spring. Was it great to celebrate Christmas with a big belly?" etc. I managed to try and tune many of them out.
But, as these were all things I wanted to be able to answer "Yes!" to, and as I had already had a mojito, my filter was totally off, and I actually started to cry at the table(before I really knew what was happening). I squeezed my way out and ran to the bathroom. While in there, I tried to calm myself down, thinking "you don't know how she got pregnant, etc" but realized that is was really just hearing answers that I might have given, had we not miscarried, that got to me. I returned to the table, and tried to keep my puffy eyes secret. Mr. S says no one noticed. Who knows?



Most days I am much better, and the Sha.red Risk quandary certainly fills my brain more than 'what could be' thought. Most days.

In IVF news, still haven't made a decision, but need to within 10 days, if we are going to get started. In the meantime, I got my protocol. They want me on 20 units of lupron before the period/lupron evaluation. Last time I was on 10(as part of the study) anyone know why they want me MORE suppressed? Lupron is yucky and gave me a migraine, before.

I am excited about the weekend, there are a rash of Inaugural parties, and though my birthday is Sunday, we're going to wait a week to do anything with friends. There is too much going on!

you won't get away that easy

I thought I was going to be one of the lucky ones who had no lupron side-effects. But, on Monday night, while reading blogs, I started to get little shooting pains across my temples. I decided not to post my own journal, and to chill with Mr. S. We watched some TV(brothers and sisters, which I think is dealing pretty well with infertility issues) and I went to bed early.

Tuesday the headache was worse, but not evil yet. We* drove out to our fertility clinic for our ultrasound, bloodwork and meds.

*Last summer, in the midst of our first IUI and my clomid challenge test, I did most of the Dr. visits alone. Then, one day, Mr. S and I drove in together for him to drop off his "sample", and I had to wait 2 hrs for them to prep it for our IUI. He was like "OK, see you later." and I was like, "Hey, buddy, I've been coming here 1-2 times a week, getting poked and prodded, you can wait with me." Many more things were said, but he decided to stay. For this, our first IVF, we decided he'd try and go to every other appt. as well as informative ones.

Yesterday was a pick up the meds one, so it was good he went. After the ultrasound, which showed no cysts and 21 antral follicles, we met with our study nurse. She had the cutest pink and brown bag, and inside were boxes of medications, a sharps container and a ton of needles and alcohol swabs. She showed us how to mix the gonal-f, we asked a bunch of questions and were on our way. I dropped Mr S at the metro and made my way home.

Headache while on the beltway-medium.

I got home and it was getting worse. I teach once a week at an after-school program and had missed last week, due to exams. I didn't want to cancel again. The coordinator said, "Just do something easy." On my way I called Mr. S and said, "What is the best thing to do when you have a headache? Why, go teach a bunch of 5-7 year olds, of course!"

So I went in, and did a drawing people lesson(normally we do creative writing). It was fun, they were mostly good, but my headache was veering into migraine status. Clear thinking was clearly being swept away by either the hormones or the headache! I thought to myself, "It would be bad at home too, might as well be out."

I drove to pick Mr. S up, and 2 blocks away got stopped by a parade of hundreds of police motorcycles. They just blocked off our road and drove by. About 5 green lights (and us not moving) later, we got to go and I got to his office.

We were headed to a poetry reading, and I felt I had to go. Why? Well, it was my college prof. Luc.ille Clif.ton. She was good, and I was mostly happy to be there, but I was aware that I'd be starting my stims, and they were sitting on the pew beside me in their little lunch cooler. Officially I was supposed to start at 830, and the reading was still going on. But, the idea of mixing those meds for the first time, in a non-private church basement bathroom, with the choir practicing right outside was one thing too many for me.

Mr. S drove home and I reclined my seat and covered my eyes. Mixing the meds was easy, but man, 150iui of gonal-f looks like a lot to be putting in your stomach! We decided he'd mix and measure and I'd "shoot up", so that is what we did. The luveris was harder to mix properly, but we got it done and in.

Mr. S went out to game and I laid on the couch and attempted to watch tv, and then read and went to sleep, praying I wouldn't have headache dreams. I didn't. Today it is mild, but if I bend over it flares up. As I had planned to spend the day weeding, I am annoyed. But, I know I am lucky to have had this only start now. And, I am very very excited to be started with the stims.

After our appointment yesterday I said to Mr. S, "Just think, one of those follies we saw could be our child. In fact, it could be all of our children." They are remarkably like seeds right now, tiny dark circles floating in my ovaries, waiting to be plumped up.