odd dreams

Just the other evening, Mr. S was telling a friend about how my dreams are odd in that I am usually not myself in them. While he was telling her that, I realized that lately, I am usually myself in them. I wondered if it was a pregnancy thing?

So, last night I had a vivid, very sad dream. And, I wasn't myself, I was a 15 yr old girl in a drama camp. I went to the bathroom and noticed something in my underwear(hello pregnancy worries, you don't go away quickly, do you?) and looked and it was a strange, clear bowl like mass, and in it a tiny(like 2 inches long) clear baby. I was so so sad, sad as the girl who wanted the baby. I was supposed to be doing an audition scene, but couldn't leave the bathroom b/c I couldn't stop crying. I held the clear bowl(sort of gummy-like, icky but true) and cried and cried while my friend said, "stop doing this in here, use the emotion in the scene!" (she didn't know what was going on)...
I woke up with tears on my pillow, and had to shake myself out of the mood.

The interesting thing is that drama is the one art form I never really explored in h.s./college.

Somehow, I wasn't too worried/paranoid upon waking, b/c that girl was so clearly not me.

In general, since becoming pregnant, my dreams have been very vivid, but fairly pedestrian, as in mostly in and around my waking life, not surreal/other. Anyone else have intense dreams, either normally, with your cycle, or due to pregnancy?

Hope Jar, Still Closed (& making it to 8 weeks)

I have been so aware of Mr. S's worries and his reservations about getting excited about us being pregnant, that I haven't been truly aware of my own caution.

But, yesterday I realized that I am being very very cautious, compared to last time.

Last time I would lay and dream of how big I would be by certain holidays(thanksgiving, christmas, my birthday) and of my child playing with SiL's(she was due 3 months before us). I pictured us in the summer with a our new baby, at the pool, etc.
When we lost that baby, we lost all of those dreams too, and that was unbelievably devastating.

Yesterday, I realized that I currently only let myself dream about 2 weeks ahead of wherever I am in this pregnancy.
Three of my close-since-college girlfriends are currently pregnant. I have not let myself get excited about being pregnant with them, of being due within 2-4 months of them.

But, last night we saw the one friend(in that group) who lives nearby, and we told her and her husband. She knows we're worried, so she kept her excitement calm, having dealt with her own loss.

And so here I am at 8 weeks(yay) still not quite willing to start picturing this baby, truly. The dreaming will come. I have a feeling those dreams are all in that jar, multiplying and waiting.

the first float

I am someone who remembers her dreams. This can be quite fun, interesting, surreal, etc. But, since the miscarriage it has been not so great. I haven't been sleeping well, for months. It has been exhausting. The first week that I started to have non-nightmares only happened recently(about 2 weeks ago).

So, it came as a lovely surprise to have the following dream 2 nights ago. (don't worry, I'll be brief, I know dreams get boring for the listener/reader)

I was at a friend's wedding, talking to some of his fictitious (and surprisingly caribbean) aunties. They asked me to help re-settle one of the large table umbrellas. I was to hold the top tines in place as some guys helped set the end-post into the ground. Suddenly a wind came and lifted the top of the umbrella(like a sun-shade one) up. They yelled "Let go, you'll be carried away!" but I was enjoying the feeling of being lifted, and I looked and saw a hill in the direction I was being blown.

I said, "Don't worry, I'll drop off over there" and some of them watched as I floated over a small stream and near a slight sloped hill. I let go, and dropped, lightly, into a field. I looked at my feet and realized the field was all strawberry plants, low and viny. I saw a woman picking them, and wondered if the farmer would mind if I picked some. I leaned over and saw that some of the fruit was bruised, by cold, I thought, but some was ripe.

It was a quick dream. But so lovely, and so rare, these days. I am superstitious to a point, but I know dreams aren't tellers of the future, they are more about wants/dreams, etc. So, I don't expect any fertile fields to mean I'm suddenly going to have an easy time of it. But, it is nice to dream.