I have been so aware of Mr. S's worries and his reservations about getting excited about us being pregnant, that I haven't been truly aware of my own caution.
But, yesterday I realized that I am being very very cautious, compared to last time.
Last time I would lay and dream of how big I would be by certain holidays(thanksgiving, christmas, my birthday) and of my child playing with SiL's(she was due 3 months before us). I pictured us in the summer with a our new baby, at the pool, etc.
When we lost that baby, we lost all of those dreams too, and that was unbelievably devastating.
Yesterday, I realized that I currently only let myself dream about 2 weeks ahead of wherever I am in this pregnancy.
Three of my close-since-college girlfriends are currently pregnant. I have not let myself get excited about being pregnant with them, of being due within 2-4 months of them.
But, last night we saw the one friend(in that group) who lives nearby, and we told her and her husband. She knows we're worried, so she kept her excitement calm, having dealt with her own loss.
And so here I am at 8 weeks(yay) still not quite willing to start picturing this baby, truly. The dreaming will come. I have a feeling those dreams are all in that jar, multiplying and waiting.
New Adventures
8 years ago
You're in a tough place right now. There aren't words, but please know I'm thinking of you and hoping that your jar opens soon.
ReplyDeleteThe u/s pictures are terrific! Your bean looks precious. Thanks for posting them. They'll provide a lot of bloggers with some much needed hope.
I can imagine how you must feel and the need to self-protect by not getting over-the-top excited. But with each passing week I think you'll feel better and more confident.
ReplyDeleteI know just what you mean about daydreaming about kids growing up together. The 1st year that we were naively trying (and sure to be pregnant soon), I was so excited when SIL announced she was PG. I could imagine our little ones playing together at Christmas. He turns 2 next week and we're still empty-nesters :(
Those dreams are safe where they are... and when you are ready, they'll be raring to go!
ReplyDeleteBig ((Hugs)) and Best Wishes for a Jar overflowing with realized Hopes and Dreams!
ReplyDeleteI think your fears are completely understandable.
ReplyDeleteI definitely kept my hope under wraps until about 12-14 weeks (whenever the nuchal translucency screen was...can't quite remember). In my case, it was really frustrating for DH as he wanted to start dreaming and hoping immediately! It got better again after ~28 weeks, but I don't think my fear ever entirely went away until she was born and in my arms.
Congrats on 8 weeks!
I think it is great to visualize, although I know, too, how painful it is when it gets taken away. I hope you start to open the jar slowly...
ReplyDelete((HUGS))