sideways attack

School started yesterday, and I must say, that though I tried not to think of the beginning of last semester(when I was pregnant) I did. I thought it when I decided to walk up 6 flights of stairs(something I normally do, but didn't while P), I thought it when I decided to go to the school cafeteria/salad bar(something P people shouldn't do), and I thought it when feeling my normal "first day of classes" nervousness, instead of last semester's "I am already having morning sickness, please let them think I am shiny b/c I am hot or nervous."

I also had an attack of sadness last week at my brother's birthday dinner. We were at a long table, and I was seated next to a woman I don't know, she was wearing a fashionably baggy sweater thingy.
You can see where this is going, but I didn't.

We had pleasant "I don't know you but we both care for N" conversation. Then, about 30 minutes in, another of their friends leans across the table and says "how are you feeling, are you nauseous?" The woman replies, says "No." (slow person me, starts to be like "huh?") then the friend says, "Wow, you're hardly showing, how far along are you?" Turns out she was 6 months, about 2 wks ahead of where I would've been. I still remained calm, while cursing the current baggy trend. But the friend started into a fired barrage of questions: "It must be awesome to be pregnant in winter, right? You must be so excited to be due in spring. Was it great to celebrate Christmas with a big belly?" etc. I managed to try and tune many of them out.
But, as these were all things I wanted to be able to answer "Yes!" to, and as I had already had a mojito, my filter was totally off, and I actually started to cry at the table(before I really knew what was happening). I squeezed my way out and ran to the bathroom. While in there, I tried to calm myself down, thinking "you don't know how she got pregnant, etc" but realized that is was really just hearing answers that I might have given, had we not miscarried, that got to me. I returned to the table, and tried to keep my puffy eyes secret. Mr. S says no one noticed. Who knows?



Most days I am much better, and the Sha.red Risk quandary certainly fills my brain more than 'what could be' thought. Most days.

In IVF news, still haven't made a decision, but need to within 10 days, if we are going to get started. In the meantime, I got my protocol. They want me on 20 units of lupron before the period/lupron evaluation. Last time I was on 10(as part of the study) anyone know why they want me MORE suppressed? Lupron is yucky and gave me a migraine, before.

I am excited about the weekend, there are a rash of Inaugural parties, and though my birthday is Sunday, we're going to wait a week to do anything with friends. There is too much going on!

extra layer

Mr. S and I realize that all holidays seem to have an extra layer of sadness, now that we had been pregnant, and now are not. When trying to get pregnant(and failing) for 2 yrs, holidays were hard, but they were easier than this.

Maybe this extra sadness is because I had pictured myself pregnant at thanksgiving, christmas, my birthday, and knew about how far along I'd be(4 months, 5 months, almost 6), and how much I'd probably be showing. And, I am not.

All I am showing is the extra layer of fat that IVF meds, pregnancy gain and post-miscarriage depression have added to my waistline. Yuck.

There are happinesses. We have each other, we have wonderful siblings, friends, meals and laughter.

I feel like I am under glass, a cloud, a blanket. Everything seen through a screen of "what almost was." I can cry immediately, the tears are ridiculously close, a certain song, movie, commercial, even a wish will make me teary.

My aunt called me on Christmas eve. The aunt I am honest with. She said, "How is everything?" and for a minute I almost said the normal(and fake), "fine, good, etc", but because she knows all we've been through these past 4 months: long awaited pregnancy, losing the baby on Mr. S's birthday, my losing 2 jobs, etc. I said, "Not great. No job, no money, no insurance coverage, no baby."

I feel boring, always talking about the same thing.

Like so many other people who have had losses this year, I am SO ready for this year to be over. I want to look forward to things again. I want to be cheerful and optimistic, some semblance of my (used to be) normal self.

Loss and Remembrance

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day http://www.october15th.com/

A couple of lines came to me this morning(before I remembered the date) and I started to compose this, and decided to get it posted today, for everyone who has experienced a loss.

Loss

Grief leaves the body slowly,
just as a boiled egg
cooled under running water
burns the fingers
within seconds of removal

but while under the sink’s stream
your fingers feel only water
the hard shell, a slight warmth.

What is the soul?
Which part, the heart
the memory?

There are days I think
I can almost forget you
what you almost were
and what we would have become
but then it comes rushing back
like that heat
from the boiled core.

The last place to cool
the soft solid center,
the grieving heart.

stupid sunny weather

I am writing a lot, a couple of stories, and some poems. It is helping me get through this. My students are writing form poems this week, so I decided to write a loss sonnet. Here it is, fresh from being written this morning...

Changeless Days

Since it happened, only days of bright sun
warm air, squint eyes to the sky of high blue.
I measure the hours towards sleep, one two, one two.
Stay close to my house, avoid everyone.
When I allow myself, I wish it were undone,
I want life as it was before, happiness true.
Those flowers glowing on my fence rail glue
this season in my mind, our hopes undone.

It happened on a day we planned to celebrate
and though I held my body tight,
hot then cold, there was nothing I could do.
I prayed those longs hours until dawn, awake.
Now I fear the scene-filled night
where each dream replays us losing, dear child, you.

fairy tales

Before I got pregnant, I realized something. This is probably something others have noticed, but it just occurred to me a few months ago. Many of the fairy tales I grew up on had issues that could be perceived to be infertility issues.

They often started with "once upon a time there were a king and queen who longed for a child...." (or woman, sometimes) after many years their wish would be granted. Sleeping Beauty was one such story, Thumbelina and Rapunzel others...I am sure I am forgetting many.

Now I am on the flip side. The fear of the lost child side. Hansel and Gretel, Snow White, Little Red Riding Hood.

Each night I have dreams I am looking for someone. The first dream was the most obvious. I was dragging my hands through a shallow pool of water, saying " I am looking for my son."

The last couple of nights it has been toddlers, a boy and girl. Each night. I am always looking for them. I am not desperate in these dreams, I seem to think I'll find them. But, I don't have them with me.

Despite my dreams, and my subconcious making sure that I process all of this, I am improving.

Ideally, I could prepare to start again. My Dr. said to me on Wednesday, "Give yourself time before making any decisions." because I was telling her I was overwhelmed by the financial aspect of all of this. But I replied, "I have to think ahead, it is the only way to get myself through this."

Once there was a woman who longed for a child. She sat in her garden and asked the birds to teach her how to make seeds into jewels. She went to the greatest sorcerer in her land, carrying hands full of rubies....