the person I was and the person I am

Sometimes I envy those idyllic, calm, peaceful mothers. I see them, talk to them, and listen to them as they say how much fun every age is. Even the infant stage. I always wonder, "why am I different?"
For a long while, I put it down to sleepimagining them with sleep through the nighters)and lack of sleep(with our girl, who, even now can wake around 2am, three times a week)...
But, now that we are TTC number 2(and having as much un-luck as we did with ttc #1 before major medical intervensions) I am starting to realize something.

I was in a high state of stress for years before our Acorn was born. And, having had a loss, and seeing friends(online, in person) experience late losses, I never truly relaxed. I LOVED being pregnant, but I realized, every day, how lucky I was, and how easily that luck could be lost.
No wonder I didn't enter motherhood as a calm, relaxed person.

So, here we are, about to celebrate our lovely Acorn's second birthday, and I am finally starting to relax. To fully enjoy her, and, despite still broken sleep, to feel like a bit of my old self. That energetic, hopeful person. But, I am forever changed by this journey, and will always be aware of how I longed to be this simple, complex and crazy new person. A mother.

the pressure is rising

My nice, uneventful pregnancy may be getting a little more 'spicy'...

It turns out I may have Pregnancy Induced Hypertension or Pre-Eclampsia(though that is less likely)... I went in for my appt. yesterday a bit worried, as my feet have gotten a lot worse. My blood pressure was 145/85. It is usually close to 120/60, during pregnancy. Pre-pregnancy, lower. They tested my urine, and luckily I am not secreting protein, which is good, b/c that would pretty much guarantee pre-eclampsia. They took some blood and will call me if there are other bloodwork signs of pre-e. I don't have the other signs: blurry vision, headache, abdomenal pain. They were considering doing a Non-stress-test, but the baby moves so much, and the heartbeat was good enough that they decided not to.

So, if the b/w is fine I go in Monday, and if my b/p is still high I have to go to the hospital to be induced. SUCKS! That means no birth center birth, no water/tub. Ugh.

So, I will go on a relaxation and low-salt regimen this weekend. Happily, my feet are way less swollen this morning, which the midwife said to check for. I went for a swim, which is supposed to help.

My inclination is to clean and get ready for the baby, so keeping my feet up is a big challenge right now!

I will be sad to lose my birth center birth, but I have said all along that you can just hope for the birth you'd prefer, the main thing is for baby to come safely. The crazy thing: my good friend who dealth with IF for 6+ yrs is having her c-section on Monday, in the same hospital I'd be sent to!

Nicknames

We're taking the babies to the beach! And....we still haven't figured out what to call them.

Usually, I am quick to give nicknames. Mr. S has a million, and I use one so much that many people thought it was his last name! Our cats also have many many names. We call one "Prancer" b/c he stands and paws the ground/air when petted. "Prance, and Prancerton" as well. He is also "Sant" and a few other silly names. His sister is "Emmerly" from her name, and "Miss Em". They are also "Cat 1 & 2".

But, with our little embryos, we've been just saying things like "say goodnight to the babies" or "don't get stressed out, you have to protect the babies."

Oh so original.

We'll think of something. Or pick something, all of the aforementioned names were apt.

I must admit some part of me is probably hesitant to name them. I got so hopeful with our IVF and that pic of our blasts was placed on our fridge and was a visible symbol of hope for me. For us. Hope that didn't come to fruition.

I know I am only days away from knowing whether this worked, and that is frightening.

Hopefully, the beach will distract me. We will be staying with Mr. S's sister at her husband's condo-share. We'll just be there 2 nights. But, I look forward to walking on the beach, reading a lot, and lots of listening to waves. The condo is in a beach town we don't love. But, it is free, and it is actually ON the beach! Should be lovely.

It Just Takes One

I realized today that I have been avoiding a mutual friend of ours(she's known Mr. S longer) because she is one of the people who likes to say, "It just takes one." about our low sperm numbers. There have been a few people who've said this to me and I feel like asking them if they think we aren't actually trying.

Another friend cornered me at a party a few months ago and gave me the "just relax" speech. I have learned that it is best to just let these people blather on, because whatever you say they don't actually hear you. She actually said, "Poppy, you just have to relax." over 10 times. I am not exaggerating! So, I tried to just smile and wait her out, but then she said, "You look like you don't agree." I somehow managed to keep myself under control and explain that you can't relax a medical condition away. Her big zinger of the evening, "I knew you'd have trouble getting pregnant because you want it so much."

Overall, my friends have been sensitive, and I feel lucky to have people in my life who think before they speak. Most of them.

But what gets me is that those type of negative(or thoughtless) comments stick. I can't forget them. I want to.

It makes me want to send it back to them.
"You know, it just took one thoughtless comment from you and now it is hard for me to hang out with you."

I wish I could let these things go!

In IVF news, my estrogen is only up 200(now at 1348) and I now have 20 measurable follicles. They said I might not trigger until Friday. I am getting more and more bloated and feel like lobbing the "just one" thing at them. But, I know it isn't about that, with IVF, and we need more follicles to be at 18mm(just one, today, was there).

The Theory of Nicely Dressed Children

Yesterday we went to our neighborhood pool's pre-opening potluck. They had a fun aging-punk band, three tables worth of food and a couple of small beer kegs. There were kids running everywhere. They were in high heaven, playing in sand, dancing and running. As I ate I did some people watching.

I saw a very adorable girl wearing a gorgeous cotton dress, it was sort of salmon colored with dark brown flowers. I felt she had probably been adopted(she was african-american and everyone with her was pale). I was trying to figure out whose child she was, b/c I am curious about adoptive families(I grew up with friends and family adopting). Anyway, after awhile I decided that she had been adopted by two men. It got me to thinking about the longing for children and the longing to dress children.

I have had moments, walking through a store like Target, where I just had to rush by the children's clothing section. Especially the toddler section. Something about those tiny outfits gets to me. How many people dealing with infertility(or a challenge to adopt/start their family) have been upset by something so seemingly innocuous?

It made me wonder if people who've had to wait longer than they'd like, to start their family, think more about the way they dress their children.

When my friend and her family arrived, she noticed the girl right away, because of her dress. I told her about the stories I was making up, and my theory of the nicely dressed kid. She added to it and said that when you are waiting for your child, clothing can be a tangible link. You can hold a hat and think, "My child will wear this, will fit into this."

In the meantime, I make hats and give them to friends who are having babies. I love doing this, and hope to someday be fitting one of my hats to my own child's head.

Later, I leaned back on Mr. S, with the beautiful late light golden everywhere and felt relaxed and peaceful. I thought I would be SO STRESSED during IVF, what a surprise to be happy and calm!