I realized today that I have been avoiding a mutual friend of ours(she's known Mr. S longer) because she is one of the people who likes to say, "It just takes one." about our low sperm numbers. There have been a few people who've said this to me and I feel like asking them if they think we aren't actually trying.
Another friend cornered me at a party a few months ago and gave me the "just relax" speech. I have learned that it is best to just let these people blather on, because whatever you say they don't actually hear you. She actually said, "Poppy, you just have to relax." over 10 times. I am not exaggerating! So, I tried to just smile and wait her out, but then she said, "You look like you don't agree." I somehow managed to keep myself under control and explain that you can't relax a medical condition away. Her big zinger of the evening, "I knew you'd have trouble getting pregnant because you want it so much."
Overall, my friends have been sensitive, and I feel lucky to have people in my life who think before they speak. Most of them.
But what gets me is that those type of negative(or thoughtless) comments stick. I can't forget them. I want to.
It makes me want to send it back to them.
"You know, it just took one thoughtless comment from you and now it is hard for me to hang out with you."
I wish I could let these things go!
In IVF news, my estrogen is only up 200(now at 1348) and I now have 20 measurable follicles. They said I might not trigger until Friday. I am getting more and more bloated and feel like lobbing the "just one" thing at them. But, I know it isn't about that, with IVF, and we need more follicles to be at 18mm(just one, today, was there).
New Adventures
8 years ago
"I knew you'd have trouble getting pregnant because you want it so much." - I am sorry this is more than thoughtless it is just completely cruel. Wanting something good, wanting to be a mother makes it so you won't be? Oh I am fuming over this!
ReplyDeleteProbably because I have heard my share of those too....especially "the 'trying' is what's stopping you - just stop trying and it will happen." At that point we were still "trying" the old fashioned way. And I literally would say to them, "Well it actually requires a sperm and egg to meet which requires sex which is all we are doing right now. DO you mean we should stop having sex? I don't see how we will get pregnant if we stop having sex."
I have had so many thoughtless, cruel, and judgmental comments from strangers, friends, and even family. And they do stick with you. And even when you try to explain they just don't get it.
It only takes one. One thoughtless comment to rip your heart wide open. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I am really hoping that this cycle will be it for you!!!
"This is the time
of loaves
and fishes.
People are hungry,
and one good word is bread
for a thousand."
-David Whyte
""DO you mean we should stop having sex? I don't see how we will get pregnant if we stop having sex."" That is a good one. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI love the quote, thank you.
Oh, GRRRRR. I hate comments like that. I love how "our" mental state is supposed to help our hubbies produce more/more motile/better morphology sperm. Yeah!
ReplyDeleteMy aunt had a lovely zinger on my birthday weekend (see my entry of January 31 2008). She didn't know about our IF issues, but said that, basically, "rich people use surrogate mothers because they don't want to bother with carrying a pregnancy on their own." Also, "if people can't have children on their own, I don't think that they should. God is trying to tell them something."
Gee, thanks Aunt C. Mind you that my aunt is someone who has no children, but had an abortion sometime in her 20s (I've never been "told" this, but I overheard a conversation about this once when I was ~12). I guess God was trying to tell her to HAVE a child, but she obviously didn't listen. Hmmmmmmmm. (I don't actually feel this way, but it would be a rational extension of her logic).
I hate HATE when people are SO clueless and insensitive about these matters. Sorry that you had to run across one.
Oh my gosh, those comments are the worst, aren't they! What I also hated was the 'You NEED to stay positive! (In a know-it-all tone). I was positive, I was also negative. I had my ups and downs. This comment came from my best friend, who just had a child. She did not seem to understand that I just wanted to BE! I had no control over my feelings. She has no idea what it's like to face the awful reality that she may never have a child.
ReplyDeleteAnother one I got (from the same person), was: "You know, when you finally finish trying IVF, you'll probably adopt & get pg then." What!!?? Did you not just hear me tell you about our MFI!? We can't just relax and get pregnant, there are not enough sperm!! That won't just change because we give up & adopt!!!
Wow. I'm sorry you have to hear all this crap. I feel uncomfortable around my best friend now, so I know how it feels.
Good luck with your stimming! I hope you get lots of eggs & lots of healthy embryos! I have my fingers crossed.
thanks Sarah and M- I had a feeling other's would've had similarly bad things said to them, but the diversity is just aggravating.
ReplyDeletemy god. i hear similar comments from clients all the time. i've basically stopped explaining why i'm doing acupunture anymore, it just brings out the idiot in people.
ReplyDelete