I Don't Want to Talk About It

People who know me know that I am a talker. A sharer. I am pretty upfront about things, personal and not. Sometimes I wish that weren't true, but it is.

But, I realized today that I do NOT want to talk about this. Not in person, not through phone calls.

Yesterday, my sister in law called me, despite Mr. S having told her not to. She went into a long ramble about all of our options, and even committed the cardinal sin of telling me she knows just how I feel. (she got pregnant recently through IVF and lost a twin early on). I do not think she does know how I feel. Anyway, I just listened and nodded, verbally and mentally, and spaced out a bit, so I wouldn't get too upset.

And I realized that even the best conversation about this subject will look like the following.

concerned person:"poppy, I am so sorry this happened"
me: "Yeah, it sucks"
c.p.:"it is just so unfair."
me: "yeah"
c.p. "I am so sorry."
me: "thanks"

and that is the best it can be!

The worst will be people suggesting my options. Believe me, I have thought around this in 50,000 ways. It is all I think about. Or, they will say we can try again soon and I will have to educate them on male fertility and on why we aren't so lucky as to try in that way.

Anyway. I am actually feeling a bit better today. I am still sad and angry, but I am mobile. I haven't cried once. Three days of intense grieving and almost complete solitude are immensely helpful.

Still, I know my limits, and I know that sympathy will unhinge me and nothing will get me to crying more quickly than said sympathy.