once here

Mr. Spicy's sister went into the hospital last Friday, at risk for going into early labor. She ended up delivering 5 days later(via C-section), at just 28 weeks 1day. At this early age/stage, every day matters and the Doctors had been hoping to make it over the 28 week mark, which they just did. We had actually visited her earlier in the day, the day she delivered, and found out late that night that she had had the baby.

Though happy to have another person coming into the family, I have had conflicted feelings about her pregnancy. They did DE IVF, and she is 48. She thinks she know what IVF is like, b/c of this. And says so, often. But, any of us who have done stims and egg retrieval, know that embryo transfer and IVF are REALLY different. So, I can be grumpy. She doesn't understand why I don't want to do 6 more IVF's to get a baby(and said this to me 2 days after my miscarriage)... Regardless, I have also felt joy and thankfulness that they got pregnant their first cycle, and hopeful about their baby.

Also, I have noticed something, over the past couple of years of infertility. I can be jealous when someone is pregnant, while still being happy for them. And, I have noticed that once the baby is here, that jealousy is gone. The baby is an actuality and not an idea. Worthy of love, not envy.

Mr. S and I went to see SiL, and meet the baby, last night. We had both been feeling really worried about SiL, all of this is so risky! She was really tired, worn out, so we only came in for a quick visit and then went to meet the baby. I hadn't expected to get to see him, so young.

I had made a hat for the baby(yesterday) a tiny thing, and I made a hat for our niece(she is 9) with a matching star on it. SiL's husband was happy about the hat, and said "we're supposed to bring him things like this." He is exhausted, keeping everything together.

The baby boy is so very tiny, and he is all tubes and bones, but seems in decent shape. The craziest(to me) tube was the blood transfusion tube, which looks like a little ink-pen tube, but with a line of red. He was on a ventilator, had a mask over his eyes, and was in a fully closed incubator. I didn't touch him, b/c I had felt sick on Thursday, but Mr. S did.

We had to take turns going in, and I watched our niece for awhile. While we were waiting, another couple was waiting, too, teenagers. The girl was swearing up a storm "f-this," every other word, and it was really starting to bug me, that she was doing it with my niece right there, and with a room of NICU babies on the other side of the door. I considered saying something, but didn't want any extra-loudness. So J and I had an active conversation. She asked me lots of questions about brothers, etc. She thought the baby was her step-brother, but I explained he is her half-brother. It was sad, when she asked me if I know anyone expecting a baby. I wish I could have said, "yes, me." but of course, we hadn't told her anything, about us trying, etc.. so I kept quiet.

I don't know if the family, at large, knows how risky it is to have a baby at 28 wks, in general, there is not a lot of discussion about these things, none of them know they used d.onor e.gg, which baffles me, but the general public doesn't seem to be know so much about these things, do they?

The baby seems strong, and doing well for his age, so we are (warily) hopeful.

***
I have almost deleted this post a few times. I feel petty talking about my own feelings through all of this. Love, family it is all so complex. The protective, loyal part of me feels I should only say good... But, this is my blog about my journey, so I will(for now) keep these thoughts, complicated, grumpy, hopeful... here.

oba.ma.mama

A friend of mine recently joined facebo.ok. We are now friends and this is our second reconnection. I was looking at her profile and saw the little sticker “obam.amama” and had this huge twinge of envy and sadness. The label/button seemed smug. Which is ridiculous, why should she pretend to be something she isn’t?

I realized that she is something I am not yet. I am not a “Mama”. That this is a simple label I cannot give myself, whether I want to or not. Politics aside, it was really the “mama” that got to me. This may be because we’ve known each other for 20 yrs, and we had been on such similar paths, until IF came into my life.

We were friends in college(and before) and had lost touch due to distance. We reconnected 3 yrs ago and started having once a month phone conversations. She started ttc and told me all about Taking Ch.arge of your f.ertility, which I went and bought, to prepare for my own ttc which would start soon. We shared fears of not getting pregnant, but we are both healthy, conscious, active people and assured each other we didn't think IF would be in each other's lives. The month I started trying she called, and I knew what she would say, and was happy when she said, “we’re pregnant, we’re keeping it quiet but I wanted you to know, since you and I’ve been talking about it.” I was thrilled for her, it was their 4th month trying. She told me she felt protective and superstitious about the pregnancy, and I made her a watercolor ‘protector’ painting and mailed it to her.

The months went by and Mr. S and I continued to not get pregnant. I had a harder time with our monthly calls. I wish I could pretend otherwise. When she visited, 3 months after her son(who she named my favorite boy’s name-which we had both discussed liking) was born, I had a small party so friends could see her and the baby.

It was harder for me than I thought it would be. The party was stressful (cleaning the house, food prep, she invited more people than I wanted there) and I didn’t return her next call. I just sort of let our communication go.

Now we are reconnecting and I am trying not to envy her new title/label, how far ahead from me she is going on this road of life.

I am surrounded by friends with children, but somehow, she is the one I feel sadness and envy around. She is “Mama” and I am still, solely, Poppy.