One Year Ago Today(Egg Retrieval)

One year ago today we had our egg retrieval for IVF/ICSI 2. It was a rough time, my second time through. Once home I got sick and passed out and sent Mr. S into a major worry. But, we got 11 eggs, 5 fertilized, we transferred 2 (froze zero, sad) and from that we got our amazing, lovely and wonderful Acorn!
Just the other day I said to her, "you were our lucky egg."

I am unbelievably grateful. Thankful that we decided to go for one more try. Amazed that it worked(despite bad odds) and that we are now home with a very active, engaged, challenging and rewarding daughter.
Yay IVF!!!

It's $300-that's crazy- It's $10,000- oh, OK

Lately I notice little things that friends have, things that cost 2 to 5 hundred dollars. I am always amazed that they have it, that they bought it. Whatever it is. These are not frivolities, for them, these are things they use. But, I have this strange 'child behind christmas window glass' feeling about the idea of myself having such things.

I realized yesterday that Mr. S and I have grown so accustomed to an IF related 'money lockdown' that any expenditure beyond food, mortgage (basic necessities) seems like an extravagance. We haven't had a real(read not staying at friend/family) vacation in years. Mr. S has FIVE weeks of vacation time saved up! We even avoid going out to movies. It is a bit ridiculous. The current downturn, people tightening their belts, etc. feels all too familiar to us.

For the past 2 1/2 yrs we've been shelling out anywhere between $1000(IUI) to $10,000 (IVF) on a mildly regular basis. No wonder I can't imagine owning an ipod, iphone, new computer (new roof).

We'll be paying this IVF off for another 16 months, but in the meantime, we may have some money (hello tax return after major health care expenses) coming our way.

Neither of us is prepared to dream of being truly beyond paying(constantly) for our infertility. Of wondering how much the next treatment will be. But, for now, I am pregnant. If we are lucky, we'll have something else to put our money to.

I hit seven weeks Sunday. I am excited!

I've had on and off nausea for about a week now, the only let-up is when I eat, or (oddly) this weekend, when I had a terrible cold.

In money dreaming meantime, I was just mailed a catalogue of computers. I am using a hand-me-down laptop that is 6 yrs old. I am starting to dream of a newer computer. No more frozen screens. ....

Eating While It is Easy

I am expecting morning sickness to kick in any day now(I am at 5weeks 3 days) so I keep thinking "eat while you can!" It is a strange thought.
It is tempered by two things:
1. Worry that what I want to eat/drink is BAD for pregnancy. I drink a lot of tea, and green tea is now out, and so are many herbs. Decaf is getting boring.
2. Still over-sized ovaries that make me unable to eat a whole lot in one sitting.

Another strange pregnancy symptom: my veins are dark blue and seem very pronounced. Not just in the chest (where it hits most pale people) but in my arms, and even hands. I feel like I am see-through. I look like a vampire's fantasy.

And, the super-sense of smell that most people get. Most annoying on the metro, man, can I smell bad breath. It probably isn't even bad, on most people. In class one day I could've guessed what each student had eaten for lunch that day, based on a quick walk by.

This pregnancy remains a mostly well-guarded secret. Quite different than before. The hardest time(during our ridiculously social weekend) was the babyshower for SIL on Sunday, with all of Mr. S's family there. They know we're in process with IVF, but we kept the dates fuzzy.

We'll probably revisit the "when should we tell family" topic after the ultrasound on Friday.

beta #2

Today is a busy day. But luckily, I am home between classes, and can post this...


So, at 17dper I am at 1165!
Now, I decided to look back on my last betas, and these are quite similar. A tad higher, but not crazily so. I am currently operating under the idea that it may be twins, but one might not stick around. (But please, let one please stay with us...)

With that in mind, I am not going to be my normally active and over-scheduled self! The day we miscarried, I had 3 events and a jam-packed day, from morning to night. Obviously, we'll never know really what happened. But I don't want to take any chances!

I honestly feel so grateful to be here. This IF road is so incredibly hard, and the doubts assail so easily and frequently. I feel joyous and lucky.

bidding up and down

We almost had to postpone our beta, because the area got hit with a big(for us) snowstorm. At 715 am we had 6 inches, and heavy snow falling. Personally, I can handle driving in snow(well, I don't like white-out...) but I am very wary of many of the drivers in this area because they freak out and are all slidey and overly brakey.

But, within an hour the snow-fall had slowed, so I called and asked if we could come in later for the bloodwork, and they said, "Sure, everyone is coming late."
All day(after and before the beta) I was making little bets with myself.

"It will be almost 300"
Then I'd get a weird twinge, or (ahem) moisture that felt like spotting... and I'd bargain down.
"OK, at least 200..."
more twinges, more moisture, after eating vegetarian chinese food for lunch(with the dreaded soy)
and I had bargained down to 100, even though I knew my tests were dark.

So, imagine my joy and surprise when I got the call, "It is a very good number, Dr. O is quite happy....

371"
!!!!!!!

Hurrah high beta. So, we go in on Wednesday for beta #2 and will pray for sticking and for doubling. I had a pretty high beta with FET pregnancy(311) and that was just one, so I am not going to bandy about the twin word. That is what ultrasounds are for!
For the curious, we are 10days past 5 day transfer, or 15days past Egg Retrieval.

& P.S. thank you all you kind comment-leavers, you make me so happy! Shared joy, double joy!

Today is a Good Day

One of my online friends(in an ivf-cycling group) who had a loss last year says, whenever she worries about whether her new pregnancy will stick, "Today is a good day because today I am pregnant."

And, I am having a lot of those worries, those worries that those of us who've had a miscarriage will have.

But, today is a good day, because today I am pregnant.

Hurrah!

I tested positive (light line) on Thursday. I decided to test that early(6dp5dt, or 11dper) because I kept waking up with anxiety. And, because I really and truly was convinced this cycle wouldn't work. The lower number of eggs, no blasts. All of it made me gloomy.

So, I POAS, and went and did yoga for a bit, and the whole time started thinking up ways to cope and move on.

The line was light, but wonderful. I honestly felt like a different person coming out of the room, from doing yoga, with that 2 lined stick in hand.

The tests have since darkened, and last night I did the digital that says "Pregnant," partially because it is the test Mr. S believed last time.

I go in Monday for my beta. I will be 10dp5dt. I really really hope we have a sticky baby(or two). Please let this be it. Let these good days continue!

See-Saw

I think I am re-formatting my thoughts for this part of the IVF ride. (which usually feels like a roller-coaster) Currently, it is a see-saw. Maybe that is the joy of the two-week wait.

I found out last night that my Dad is buying his first home. I got home and looked it up, it is about 2 miles from a train station, in a really cute town about 1hour or so away from us. As I read the "just minutes from old town and train" comment on the realtor's website I had this flash image of our child/ren taking the train out to see their grandad for the weekend, as teens, and walking up that hill. Then I was like "don't think of it, it may never happen."

Up and down, up and down.

In possible symptom news, last night Mr. S made couscous and I got worried he'd left the pan on, because it was such a strong smell that it was like it was under my nose. But no, the stove was off, and the couscous was in its pan, covered and 'fluffing' in the kitchen. Can progesterone make you sensitive to odors?

Too Early

I got quite discouraged yesterday, convinced we must not be pregnant, since we had so frozen embryos, and since this is it for us.
Today I realized that it is way too early to despair. I am just 4days past a 5 day transfer, too early to know anything, one way or another.
I also realized I am waiting for the exact same symptoms to kick-in from my positive FET cycle, down to the same day. I have to get over that expectation.
So, I remain pregnant until proven otherwise and will think that way whenever doubt sets in.

Down-Under

*So, I emailed the people I have requested take a break from reading on here. Mostly, it is people I actually see regularly. So, if you got no email, read on. ...If you do know me IRL and find things out here, please keep them to yourself, (& your partner). Thanks friends!*

The "lazy-baby-implanting-weekend" is over. It was nice. I watched way too much saved up tivo tv and movies, read a lot, mostly books, some magazines.

I started to really wish for a more comfortable couch, went to bed and wished for a more comfortable bed.

Forced stillness is good, but boring. I can't tell you how good it felt to do a quick modified sun-salutation on Saturday evening. My muscles were thanking me.

For now, I am in hope-landia, pregnant until proven otherwise, and trying to ignore the different sensations in my abdomen. Distinguishing gas from ovary/uterine pain should be easier!

I had some mild cramping Saturday night(def. uterine) and went into a panic of "maybe they should put me on more progesterone"... I am on PIO 1 x a day. My RE offered to let me just do suppositories(endometrin or crinone) but I am paranoid, so am opting for the big guns(and discomfort) until the beta.

a quick hello

Mr. S printed out all of the lovely comments you've made on here. Thank you everyone!
He also put out an a.p.b. for a powercord for my laptop, and one was provided(as a loan) this afternoon. Hurrah community! Hurrah laptop, and me on couch! I am quite tired of reading and tv, so it is a timely arrival.

I am feeling pretty well. Hoping pea and pod; crocus and snowdrop; fish 1 and fish 2(and, most imaginatively, 'the babies') are snuggling in for a nice quiet gestation.

2 at 1(pm, that is)

We are set for our embryo transfer, at 1pm. Please send warm, positive sticky vibes our way!

We plan to transfer 2 blastocysts. I was pondering asking to transfer 3, but my RE says that since I did get pregnant, they don't want to risk triplets. I agree! Also, she left us a message this morning that 3 had already become blasts, early this morning, so she is hopeful and positive.

The week has been a slow-process of healing from Egg Retrieval. I am starting to feel a little better.

My brother and I had dinner together last night, and he gave me reiki. Between in-person care, and online support, I am feeling lucky. Thank you!

I'll ask Mr. S to post later. I'll be on bedrest(couch?) for 24 hrs.

5 for 5

My kind RE just called and was so sweet and said, "I love your embryos, they are beautiful." We have 5 perfect 4 cells, and 1 is lagging, and may not make it. So, we are on for a 5 day transfer, on Friday! Hurrah, what a relief.

I was trying to pretend my anxiousness (about less mature eggs than 1st IVF) away, but the wave of relief and joy that just hit me as she said those words made me realize how I'd been feeling.

Mr. S and I have 5 embabies that are growing and thriving. Hope and hope!

Here is a pic of a 4-cell embryo(not ours) it is nice to imagine 5 of these, happily growing...

6 out of 7

Well, it turns out only 7 eggs were mature, of those, 6 fertilized. I was feeling sad, but both my nurse and Re told me that is a great number for fertilization.

Because of my fainting, etc. I had many calls today: the on-call Dr. from last night, a nurse(with fert. report) my regular nurse, and my RE. It was pretty funny. My RE was the final call, and she said, "I know you've already had many calls..." but I appreciate it. It is nice to know they are keeping an eye on me.

So, we have 6 embryos, here's hoping they all do well over the next few days.

Out for the Night

Well, I didn't do too well last night. I started feeling light-headed and woozy around 630pm. I ate some salty nuts, attempted to eat thai child rice( and immediately put it far away from where I was sitting) I had this weird feeling that I was going to either throw up of pass out. Turns out, I did both!

Poor Mr. S had to watch me suddenly lose consciousness and start making odd noises. I came to hearing the panic in his voice, saying my name. I had been in this weird dream state, and woke up so confused. He said it was about 10-15 seconds, but scared the hell out of him.

I slowly climbed the stairs, with him right behind me, and promptly lost all food from my stomach(luckily made it to the bathroom). I hate throwing up, but in a way, it was a relief.

He called the on-call Dr. She called back, and said my body probably needed to raise my blood-pressure, and that vomiting does that. Ugh. But, I slept for 10 hours, and woke up feeling much better.

What an ordeal! For those of you going through IVF, etc, I think this is a very rare reaction, so don't get worried! It may have been the antibiotic, the painkiller, or some combo that effected me so badly.

We are both glad to have the day off, would've taken it anyway, if we didn't. I am supposed to stay calm and quiet and drink a lot of water and eat salty things.

Waiting hopefully on Fert. Report.

All your well-wished are so wonderful. Thank you so much for sending us positive energy!

almost a dozen

We got 11 eggs. I'll get the fertilization report tomorrow. We had them do ICSI on the whole bunch(we learned that was necessary, last time).

Last time I did Egg Retrieval I had a woozy/nausea experience on coming out of sedation. The same thing happened today. Yuck.

I guess it happens to some people who have low blood pressure. Mine dipped to 86 over 63. The nurse was good and kept a close watch on me. I remembered it from before(it is one reason I get annoyed when people say IVF is easy) so I had picked a sprig of lavender leaves to inhale. I asked the nurse to get them, and the scent definitely helped some. The nurse was super cool, sprightly and steady.

Mr. S came back in, and was nice and attentive. I asked him to read to me, which was helpful with getting me to focus on something other than my pain and wooziness. When my b.p. was up to 108 over 68 I got the OK to leave.

The drive home was no-fun, but I napped after some blueberry pancakes, and am wake and feeling slow, but improved.

Thanks for all the positive energy!!! I probably will wait until tomorrow/Tuesday before any glass of wine. :)

Planning the Observed holiday

Seeing as I am still hivey on my arms, and have swelling ovaries, and have to get to bed early tonight, we aren't really paying attention to Valentine's Day.

This morning, Mr. S was looking at a bill and said, "What is the date?" and I said, "It's the 14th." and it was like there was an empty space in the air... we both rushed and said, "Happy Valentine's Day." Mr. S is a romantic, and got sad that we haven't paid attention to the holiday. But truly, other years, we often go out on a different night, if at all, because the pricey dinners seem silly to us.

And then I remembered that my RE said I may have a glass of wine, between egg retrieval and transfer. So, I am suddenly interested in having a "Valentine's Dad Observed." Complete with nice meal and drink. Hopefully my last alcoholic drink for 9 months!

I am a little nervous about tomorrow. I got an over-anxious worry, this morning, that the trigger shot hadn't worked, and my eggs wouldn't be mature. But, as the day has progressed, I have felt more 'pregnant' so I think it is working. Here's hoping we get at least 10 eggs tomorrow!

first double

Sometimes it seems like with IVF and with Infertility it is all about doubling. If you get a positive beta, they want it to double within a certain time frame.

Well, my estrogen almost doubled from yesterday(1055) to today (1962) so they have told me to do the trigger shot tonight. Wow! I have about 12 follicles that are "measureable" which means they are 12-20mm each. Here's hoping a couple more rally before Sunday morning.

Walking quickly has become something I can't do, so I am happy to get these follicles/eggs out asap.

Also, I've developed hives on both inner arms. ITCHY! I actually had this happen with last IVF, and blamed it on doxycyline, but I am not taking that now, so it must be something else. My RE said to take benadryl, and isn't too worried. Why do I have to be the person with random allergies?

It is probably the lupron, hives are listed as a possible s/e (in like 1% of people). Ah well. Add it to the list of things I hate about lupron.

Here's hoping that I see a similar doubling in a few weeks, when I do my beta. It is getting close. I am excited, worried, anxious and hopeful.

Already? Still-Life, Ovary

Ovary before Stims:



Ovary, 5-6 days of Stims:


OK, this would be more effective if I could get the walnut a bit smaller, but you get the idea

I've heard ovaries get to be grapefruit sized. Yikes. I am already not enjoying walking fast or eating much.

My Estrogen yesterday shot up to 955, lining is at 1cm, has stripe, RE said "your uterus looks like a subway sandwich, just how we like it." I find it mildly disturbing, all these food comparisons. But, I also see how it is helpful. Common point of reference, and everything.

11 follicles between 11-15mm. They are starting me on "go in every day" for monitoring. I think we could skip today. It seems likely I'll trigger tomorrow. But, I know they are being careful, and I know that is good. So, I'll keep the grumbling to a minimum.

I got a facial yesterday at the Av.eda institute. Oh my. So relaxing! Just what I needed.

Levels checked, and the racing heart

I've been in twice to do "stim checks" once to the cold and drafty location, and once in the cozy warm office. These things make a difference when sitting with your bottom half exposed! Like other veteran IF'ers, I have taken to wearing fun socks, some days. I was polka-dotted last week, and stripey on Saturday.

So, my levels are looking good. Saturday, after 3 days of stims(187.5 iu gonal-f, and 75 luveris) my estrogen was 210(up from 64 3 days prior) and there were 23 follicles. Monday(after 5 days of same dosage) my estrogen was at 476, and I had 8 follicles(4 on each ovary) at 10-12 mm, and about 14 more, smaller. So, I am just a little ahead of where I was with the last IVF. My RE is predicting we will do egg retrieval on Sat/Sun.

I am trying to be calm and relaxed, but, unfortunately, my quickly rising estrogen levels seems to be messing with my heart. It has been racing, on and off, since Sunday afternoon. Yesterday I was crazy busy with 2 jobs, plus going to the doctor, but today I have only a little work to do, so shall cultivate calm.

If only I could plant calm the way I plant lettuce. Select the proper amount for each space, make room, smooth the soil and pat. Wait for sun and rain.

Mr. S realized he is starting to be nervous about our upcoming egg retrieval, etc. It is hard to ignore the magnitude of our commitment/experience, when our dining room table is covered in meds, boxes of needles, and checklists.

the green fingertips of spring

In a way, it feels strange to be embarking on this fertility quest in the depths of winter. It has been a cold time, here. Last month we had 21 days of below 32 degree weather. I got to the point that 36 felt warm to me.

I took a walk today in a nearby garden, after work, and before I got there I though to myself, "I hope I see signs of spring." Even knowing that spring is months away.

The gardens showed that this has been our coldest winter in 10 years. Hellebores and camellias showed frost damage. These are plants that bloom in late winter, and they looked cold and tired.

But, on my way up the path I saw a whole cavalry of green shoots, crocus or daffodil, just fingertip long. The ground is frozen, and yet they are coming up, the sun has been getting to them, somehow, through the dark, cold earth.

It seems that growth can happen at any time. Yes, I'd rather have my transfer and head off to the warm beach, like last August, but I am ready for this now. I go in for my first stim check tomorrow, I have high hopes that my follicles will be doing well. I am tired of being cautious with my feelings.

So, let hope be the warmest thing in our household. Let the green shoots crowd the window of my dining room, all the plant-promises of spring. Daffodil and paperwhite, geranium and jasmine.