fairy tales

Before I got pregnant, I realized something. This is probably something others have noticed, but it just occurred to me a few months ago. Many of the fairy tales I grew up on had issues that could be perceived to be infertility issues.

They often started with "once upon a time there were a king and queen who longed for a child...." (or woman, sometimes) after many years their wish would be granted. Sleeping Beauty was one such story, Thumbelina and Rapunzel others...I am sure I am forgetting many.

Now I am on the flip side. The fear of the lost child side. Hansel and Gretel, Snow White, Little Red Riding Hood.

Each night I have dreams I am looking for someone. The first dream was the most obvious. I was dragging my hands through a shallow pool of water, saying " I am looking for my son."

The last couple of nights it has been toddlers, a boy and girl. Each night. I am always looking for them. I am not desperate in these dreams, I seem to think I'll find them. But, I don't have them with me.

Despite my dreams, and my subconcious making sure that I process all of this, I am improving.

Ideally, I could prepare to start again. My Dr. said to me on Wednesday, "Give yourself time before making any decisions." because I was telling her I was overwhelmed by the financial aspect of all of this. But I replied, "I have to think ahead, it is the only way to get myself through this."

Once there was a woman who longed for a child. She sat in her garden and asked the birds to teach her how to make seeds into jewels. She went to the greatest sorcerer in her land, carrying hands full of rubies....