Frost

I wrote this just now, after coming in from a walk.

Frost, Red

Sun is not the only bleach of nature
the green of the raspberry leaf is almost gone
fast faded last night by our third frost.

The first night of frost hit high
the edges of plants and trees, burned black
or scorched white,
but still a steady green
held on. So recently close, the sun must stay
just one more day, maybe another
each day of waiting, green gathering food down
into the roots, readying for winter

The second night of frost hit harder, lower
gone basil, gone tomato, gone okra, gone cosmos.
Mint in its sure bed stayed green, and oregano
and raspberry. Those hardier plants.

The third night of frost edged this leaf in white
the pale green that was yesterday’s emerald is soft
against my face, removed from its red and thorned cane
my winter rough fingers barely pricked.

Each day I think it is almost done,
but my body sends forth reminders of what I lost
and am still losing. A season of blood that began
with what you helped plant into me, returns anew
after your entry last night into my body.
As if I could not go one day with only pleasure,
pleasure free of grief’s reminder.
Gone baby, gone May, gone crawling by autumn.

And still I hold onto my love for red, clad head to toe.
Though, I seem to grab any green thing
these days. Green leaf, green blanket, green cloth to warm my neck.
I fill my pockets with seeds
pull acorns from under my car, they roll together,
so constant I forget them, reach in my pockets for warmth, curl fingers around
the round hard things, smooth, with just that one sharp place.

Nothing will grow without the reminder of pain,
the need to shatter before burgeoning.

7days past 5 day transfer = 12dpo

I tested this morning and got another negative test. I got very upset. I was trying to do some yoga to relax and just started crying. Sad.

An hour later I had some spotting when I went to the bathroom, got more upset. Then it went away. Now I have slight, second wind hopes that we might have a late-ish implantation. We won't know until Sunday, that is when my blood test is.

Still, I am facing how hard I will take it if this cycle doesn't work. Having been told IVF/ICSI was what we need, and having the cycle go so well, I feel that if it doesn't work I will be distraught. I wish I could pretend otherwise, but this morning I just kept thinking, "How will I get past this?"
And.

"How can I go to the pool?" This sounds trivial, but going to our local, cooperative, neighborhood pool is the highlight of my summer. It is super communal, I can be outside , with Mr. S and friends until dark, eating healthy food, and swimming when I get hot. But, the pool is a haven of babies and children, and getting through last summer was hard enough, but this will be so much harder. People ask us when we're having kids, people make lots of "everyone at the pool gets pregnant easily" comments, etc. I love being around my friends babies and children, but the constant visible reminder might be too much for me of what we might not have.

To distract myself, I went to my favorite nursery, with a gift certificate Mr. S had given me months ago(I am glad I saved it!) and got $50 worth of plants, mostly veggies, and native flowers. Plant therapy.

Something I did NOT buy. Barrenwort. I kid you not, that is its name!