Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts

Monday, November 2, 2009

not yet

My blood-pressure was fine today(still a little high, but not scary high) so no induction today!!! I found out Sunday that the midwife I saw last is the 'drama queen' of the practice. She has seen a lot, and maybe doesn't know how to tell who listens and is careful, and who isn't.

So, our bags are packed and we were ready(as we could be) but are happy to be waiting. Hopefully the baby will come soon, and I can have my water-birth! The sun came out and I feel like jumping around with relief. It was no fun reading about the risks of being induced. So, plan relaxerton continues, I hope to keep that pressure down, and go in again Thursday to be checked.

Friday, May 22, 2009

tiny strawberries

A year ago this week I was in my first IVF two week wait. I was blissfully eating tiny, locally grown strawberries, and imagining my embryos implanting. Of course, that IVF failed, and I now think the IVF failed in the transfer(with the terrible doctor, the chills(they were out of blankets) and the cramping I had. But, that knowledge is current. The devastation of that failed IVF was unbelievable.

Now, one year later, I am eating strawberries from the same farmer, and I have the blissful feeling that those strawberries are nourishing our growing baby.

I still have fearful days/nights. I consider getting a doppler for peace of mind. (especially after afore-posted scary boat ride)... but, I hold out.

Last night, as I lay in bed, I put my hand on my lower abdomen, on the fibrous hardness that is now rising above my pelvis, and I swear I felt (internally) a small movement. It was exciting, and of course, can't be confirmed. But, I am closing in on 16 weeks, and have since read that people start to feel movement around now.

If I do start to feel the baby(I should say "Once I feel the baby!"), my doppler fantasies will dissipate!

Maybe then Mr. S and I will reopen the name conversation, the nursery planning, all of the things we've left untouched since our dashed hopes. We're still living week by week, uncertain about looking months ahead. Soon.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Next Worry

We have our NT scan next week. I am excited(to really see the baby) and nervous(sometimes IVF patients get false positives on the blood part of the test)...

It has been a long week, not as long as last week, though. But between finalizing taxes, and getting a flat tire yesterday(on my longest work day- 1 class in the morning and one in the evening) and pouring rain, I am READY for the weekend!

I stopped taking progesterone and estrogen Sunday(at 10 week mark) anyone else stop at that point?

It is sunny today, and I have an accidental day off(we couldn't get the tire changed in time for me to do my morning job- sucks to not get paid, but I am trying to look on the bright side).... I am going to relax a bit and then go get new tires(we put the spare on). And then I shall be outside in the sun.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Looking for the Safe Zone

This morning I woke early, and had some quiet time with Lulen and Luna, and even visualized Lulen on the left and Luna on the right. We will be 5 weeks tomorrow. I realized that I am just sort of holding my breath until we pass 7 weeks, because we miscarried right before that, last time.

Logically, I know that passing the 7 week mark is no magic "safe zone" but it will be a personal milestone. I wonder how many people have these little markers? I can imagine that we'll pass that(please let us pass it) and then move the 'marker' up, to 8 weeks, then 10, etc.

So, the 3rd beta(19dper, or 14dp5dt) came in at 2565! Hurrah! This number is quite close to first time around, so I am still operating under the "it may be one or two" theory. They want me to come in for my ultrasound next week, but due to a busy schedule(new pt job) I am not going in until Friday. I'll be 5w5days. It is unlikely we'll see anything but a sac, or two. The nurse said, "The Dr. wants to get some measurements."

And, in progesterone news, I am allowed to switch to suppositories, but am staying on PIO, b/c I am paranoid. Now I have to get my insurance to cover it!

The weather is fantastic. I think I'll take the babies for a walk this morning.

Friday, February 27, 2009

IF-dar

Last weekend I went to a local craft night. All women. I had been partially dreading going, as 3 of the people there had babies within months of each other, and the talk can be 'baby-centric'. Also, being a day past transfer, I knew I was apt to be emotional.

But, it went well, and 3 out of the 6 of us are (currently) child free. All married. All homeowners. A comment one of the women made set my "IF-dar" off. (I see 'IF-dar' as similar to 'gaydar' but for those of us with IF-Infertility).

She was talking about a dentist asking her if she was pregnant(or could be) after giving an x-ray, and said dentist continually saying " well, it is good you're not pregnant" and she said, to us, "Like I wanted everyone there to know that I had no fetus to mess with."

You throw the word fetus in, and I guess my IF ears perk up.

Having been dealing with TTC for 3 years, I have become more sensitive to the fact that it is likely there are some people in my- mostly-incredibly-fertile- group of friends who may not be child-free out of choice.

It is an odd thing to ponder, but I can't help it. There is no way I would ask any of these couple if they are going through IF, but I wish I could.

Does anyone else have 'IF-dar'? Do you have another name for it?

Thursday, February 26, 2009

See-Saw

I think I am re-formatting my thoughts for this part of the IVF ride. (which usually feels like a roller-coaster) Currently, it is a see-saw. Maybe that is the joy of the two-week wait.

I found out last night that my Dad is buying his first home. I got home and looked it up, it is about 2 miles from a train station, in a really cute town about 1hour or so away from us. As I read the "just minutes from old town and train" comment on the realtor's website I had this flash image of our child/ren taking the train out to see their grandad for the weekend, as teens, and walking up that hill. Then I was like "don't think of it, it may never happen."

Up and down, up and down.

In possible symptom news, last night Mr. S made couscous and I got worried he'd left the pan on, because it was such a strong smell that it was like it was under my nose. But no, the stove was off, and the couscous was in its pan, covered and 'fluffing' in the kitchen. Can progesterone make you sensitive to odors?

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Lul.en

I want to rename my embryos Lul.en and Luna (after hearing, last night about Com.et Lul.en, which is passing close to earth this week)...
I went out with my binoculars, but didn't really find anything. It was COLD out. But, it was fun to be out, looking. A little scary when I scared a bird, which flew out of a bush, near my head.

I am still feeling doom and gloom, but am working on it. Mostly, it sets in during the early morning hours, when I am all half-awake, convinced it didn't work. That is the most vulnerable time. Maybe because it follows dreams.

Thanks for all of your hopeful & positive vibes.

Our clinic tests ridiculously late. 18dpER!(I am 10dper today) I am sure I will test before that, but not sure when. Last night, Mr. S was like "Don't test early!" and I laughed. And then he said, "OK, test 1 day later than you were planning."

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Too Early

I got quite discouraged yesterday, convinced we must not be pregnant, since we had so frozen embryos, and since this is it for us.
Today I realized that it is way too early to despair. I am just 4days past a 5 day transfer, too early to know anything, one way or another.
I also realized I am waiting for the exact same symptoms to kick-in from my positive FET cycle, down to the same day. I have to get over that expectation.
So, I remain pregnant until proven otherwise and will think that way whenever doubt sets in.

Monday, February 23, 2009

frozen outside but not at the lab

Sadly, we had no embryos make it to freeze.
Sucks.
We had an extra blast on the day of transfer, so WTH?
My clinic is super strict about freezing, sometime a bit too much, in my opinion.

I am pretty certain I won't be doing IVF again(I know, never say never) so this is it for us. Even if we suddenly received IF coverage, I am not sure my body (and mental state) are up to the trials of IVF.

I am trying to maintain optimism and hope. The wind has blown all day and our house feels drafty. I've tried to spend some time away from work/computer and did some reading upstairs. The wind in the trees (evergreens)reminded me of the waves at the beach. The waves I listened to the cycle we got our BFP from FET. It felt like a good connection to make.

In optimistic news, have had strange center of lower abdomen pains today.
Ah, PIO, you are a tricky temptress.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

a quick hello

Mr. S printed out all of the lovely comments you've made on here. Thank you everyone!
He also put out an a.p.b. for a powercord for my laptop, and one was provided(as a loan) this afternoon. Hurrah community! Hurrah laptop, and me on couch! I am quite tired of reading and tv, so it is a timely arrival.

I am feeling pretty well. Hoping pea and pod; crocus and snowdrop; fish 1 and fish 2(and, most imaginatively, 'the babies') are snuggling in for a nice quiet gestation.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

waiting

I was pretty certain I'd be much more relaxed about this upcoming IVF cycle. But, the closer I get, the more little, possible, setbacks get to me. I am waiting for a call from my nurse to tell me about hormone levels. I was in the office on Monday and one level was a bit high. Stress!

On Monday she called at 2pm on the dot. It is almost 3pm.

What is probably happening: she has many people to call, or is still waiting for the lab to send her the report.
What I keep imagining is happening: the bloodwork show an unacceptable number, so the Dr. has decided to make me wait a month.

The latter could be true, even if the former is true. Ugh.

Lots of people discuss wanting to take time off of work, for IVF. Although I understand wanting to be able to do appointments flexibly, not to worry about when you show up to work, I do think it is easier for me if I am working.

While I was in class this morning I didn't think of any of this, for even a second! I have another class to teach at 630pm. I think I'll go do some busy work and pretend I don't know what time it is.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Frost

I wrote this just now, after coming in from a walk.

Frost, Red

Sun is not the only bleach of nature
the green of the raspberry leaf is almost gone
fast faded last night by our third frost.

The first night of frost hit high
the edges of plants and trees, burned black
or scorched white,
but still a steady green
held on. So recently close, the sun must stay
just one more day, maybe another
each day of waiting, green gathering food down
into the roots, readying for winter

The second night of frost hit harder, lower
gone basil, gone tomato, gone okra, gone cosmos.
Mint in its sure bed stayed green, and oregano
and raspberry. Those hardier plants.

The third night of frost edged this leaf in white
the pale green that was yesterday’s emerald is soft
against my face, removed from its red and thorned cane
my winter rough fingers barely pricked.

Each day I think it is almost done,
but my body sends forth reminders of what I lost
and am still losing. A season of blood that began
with what you helped plant into me, returns anew
after your entry last night into my body.
As if I could not go one day with only pleasure,
pleasure free of grief’s reminder.
Gone baby, gone May, gone crawling by autumn.

And still I hold onto my love for red, clad head to toe.
Though, I seem to grab any green thing
these days. Green leaf, green blanket, green cloth to warm my neck.
I fill my pockets with seeds
pull acorns from under my car, they roll together,
so constant I forget them, reach in my pockets for warmth, curl fingers around
the round hard things, smooth, with just that one sharp place.

Nothing will grow without the reminder of pain,
the need to shatter before burgeoning.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

25

Normally, 25 is my favorite number. I think it came about because my 3rd grade times-table learning self loved the idea of 5 x 5 becoming 25. Anyway, it is still a good number, but when it is your slow as molasses dropping hcg, and you want it to be zero, you aren't happy to hear any number BUT zero. Ah well. Closer and closer.

I got the call on Thursday, from the sub-nurse, and she just said "Your beta is down to 25, Dr. O wants you to come in again in 2 weeks, and hopefully it will be zero." We are at 2 months, today, from our loss, and I am still dealing with it, physically. It is hard to move on, when I am bleeding again(2 1/2 weeks after what I thought was my period)...

Fall is winding down, the days end very early now, and it makes me sleepy. I am starting to appreciate the home, inside joys, the brightly painted rooms, a warm light in a corner. Long books, and magazines. Coziness. I do love the food of late fall, the hard fruits and leafy greens. Pumpkin, squash, kale, chard.

We have a little buddha near our entry-way, I put him there because he is such a peaceful presence. Two days ago I put some sunflower seeds(leftover from ones I scattered for birds) in his upturned palm. As I picked them up, I pondered how many to put. One seemed too lonely and two looked nice, but I decided to go for three. The three I hope our house will hold someday soon. 1 + 1 = 3, the magic of becoming a parent and defying mathematical rules.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

three months---ish

Mr. S and I decided we'd give the job/insurance quest three months and then go forward with credit card funded IVF. I've been applying for jobs, about 10 a week, which is exhausting. At first, I was excited when I'd find one that either looked interesting, or would offer insurance. But, here I am, 7 weeks later, with only one interview and many many "thanks for applying, the position has been filled" messages.

As we get closer to having to pay full price for IVF, I get more nervous, and feel like it is a really stupid thing to do, in this economy.

But, on the flip side, my 37th birthday is 2 months away. And, I wonder how long I will have to wait, if we don't go for it. I hate all of the unknowns.

And, to add to the wondering, I am still waiting for my hcg to get to zero.

Luckily, we have many distractions. The election, the country's new conversation, many small gatherings with friends. It is church bazaar season, and Mr. S and I love the quest for small treasures. I do ignore the kids areas(baby stuff, etc) as it makes me extra sad, since I had been looking forward to getting prepared there. It is odd, superstition maybe? But, even though I feel we do have a baby in our future, I don't feel OK buying to get ready for him/her.

Friday, October 31, 2008

the edge

This entry is a bit boring, sorry...

I went to my regular OB Gyn on Tuesday afternoon. He hadn't known about me being pregnant, or the miscarriage. (I had been 3 days from being 'released' to him when I miscarried, and it was all too depressing to have to call and give both sets of news) so anyway, he was worried that I had been spotting for 6 weeks, so had me do an ultrasound, and, no big surprise(as my beta was at 400 last week) the u/s lady found a tiny bit of tissue. He had me do bloodwork, and then we met in his office. He said he felt it would probably be best to do a D&C, if the beta hadn't gone down much.

So, I left there and went home, exhausted. I am so tired of dealing with this. I also know, in my gut, that I'd rather not have a D&C, but that I also want to move on. I told him I'd need to talk to my RE.

She called me yesterday, and I told her my new beta number (200, a bigger drop than it has done in awhile) and she said she really hopes I won't need a D&C. She is worried about scarring, and future ivf/pregnancy. She said "If you hadn't passed most of the tissue, this would be what you need, but I think you should wait." She suggested I do more b/w in 2 weeks, and that if my beta isn't down, close to zero, they do a saline sonogram, and then if there is still tissue, a smaller, more focused removal, not a full scrape. That sounds better to me, so that is the plan.

The good news is that I am bleeding for real now, period-style. I am hoping that the last of it will go with it.

Ironically, there have been a lot of postings for blood-drives at school(one every week) with 'urgent need' posted. I kept almost going in, and having to remind myself that I can't spare any blood right now.

Now that I am passing the amount of weeks I was pregnant(as in it has been almost 7 weeks since we lost it and I was almost 7 weeks) I can feel myself getting more me-like. But, like a break-up that you mourn, I can't help feel wistful for the almost was, for my belly that should be burgeoning. Happily, I no longer feel the beautiful sunny days are indecent or cruel, and the bright leaves are starting to seem lovely, which is nice.

Monday, October 27, 2008

basil, and the frost around the corner

I have been playing a wait and see game with the weather, lately. There are many things in my garden that will get killed by frost. Each day I check the weather to see if it will go into the 30's. We've had 2 nights that said it would go to 37, and on one it went to 35!

So, why wait? Well, part of it is laziness, and part of it is enjoying seeing things continue to grow.

Harvesting the second set of tomatoes won't be easy, they are vines, and they are everywhere, and since they are green, they are hard to find. And, I like ripe tomatoes, as I've been getting a couple of ripe cherry tomatoes every other day.

With the basil, it is pure laziness. But, I finally decided that yesterday would be a perfect day for the harvest. I pulled up 6 plants by the roots, shook off the soil and got ready to go. The sun was shining, and I put my little mp3 player on and went to picking. Since I was making pesto, I didn't want to use leaves with spots, so that meant I had a lot of sorting to do. But, I ended up with a large bowlful of gorgeous shiny leaves, and it smelled wonderful.

It was interesting to sit and do this. I sat on our porch steps, with the sun and air so gorgeous, with leaves falling from trees, and felt my normal, current state of wary content. I can be content in the small moments, but larger things make me wistful and long for greater things(to be pregnant again/still, to be moving on fully).

As any gardener does, I am already thinking of the next season. I was in the kitchen, squeezing water from the blanched basil leaves, and I thought to myself, 'How will you be able to handle it if you aren't pregnant on your due date?' The basil formed a hard ball in my hand, once I took it from the cloth. I squeezed it, thinking, 'I hope it doesn't come to that, but you'll deal, you have to, as you've done with all of this.'

I realized, that I have been feeling like age is like the frost around the corner, as far as fertility is concerned.

Currently, I am 36, and, luckily, in decent fertile shape. But I don't know how long this sunny spell will last, how long I will have good eggs, and all of that. There is no nightly web-site where I can check my fertility forecast, but knowing that it only gets harder(colder) the older I get makes me want to rush to the clinic and get going.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

learning to wait

I belong to a women's group, we are a fledgling group, just 6 months along. I have been finding a lot of comfort in our monthly meetings, especially the last 2. I hosted the October meeting, and asked everyone to bring a natural object that symbolized something meaningful in their life, as well as that ties into the season. When you want, you can find symbolism in anything, so I had a lot to say, and to draw from.

I was doing my normal, frantic, get the house and food ready dance, that I do when hosting anything, and thought "what nature item will you use?"

My garden is just steps away, but I was indoors, stirring squash soup, so I looked to see if anything was even closer. I found a poppy-head that I had brought in at the end of summer. They are beautiful, almost like a little space hut, round with a straight edge, tiny opening all along the straight cap, where the seeds are released. I picked it up and considered it, shook it, felt its emptiness, and decided I needed another symbol. I may feel empty now, but I don't want that to be what defines me.

I looked some more, and picked up a moonflower pod from last summer. They dry beautifully, and have a nice rattle to them, each pod holds 4 seeds. Each seed can make one plant that will bear 50 or more blooms, and each bloom will yield 4 more seeds. It seemed a more hopeful symbol.

I am trying to think of that seed pod, and of hard, winter squash, and other lessons fall might bring. Trying to cultivate patience, hope. Willingness to wait.

I had an interview yesterday, I liked the people, and it went well. No benefits, currently, but that could change in a few months. No guarantee those benefits would cover IF, as there are many loopholes. Regardless, it felt good to be called for an interview, to do well. I need to have faith that somehow we will find a way to try again. That our next try can be like that moonflower seed, something that bears long and promises plenty.

So, I pose the question to you: what, in nature, do you respond to? Which item would you choose, to either symbolize yourself, or your hopes?