12 weeks and the neglected garden

Pregnant me + general first trimester nausea = my garden is at least 1/2 weeds.

Some days I get out and do one area, but oh my, is it awful. Our 'grass' is more chickweed, etc, than grass. It was that way when we moved in. I just mow that area, but it bothers me in the flower & herb beds.

I am happy to be feeling mostly better. Now, instead of an every day thing, the nausea just hits a few times a week. I am 12 weeks today, and I hope to bid a huge farewell to any and all nausea soon.

So, I was weeding, and some weed, if you wait too long(well, I think it thinks I waited the perfect amount of time) sends out projectile seeds. So, now I am finding tiny yellow seeds on my neck and cleavage, and in my hair.

I also find that pregnant me gets light-headed if bent over too long, I need to find some way to get to do my garden work without feeling woozy.

We had a couple of thunderstorms this week, and one had hail, and I found out it had a nice side-effect: it knocked all of the aphids off of our little japanese maple. How cool is that?

The rosebushes need true pruning, and the juniper is doing its yearly march into my vegetable beds. But, many things are flourishing in our rainy spring weather.

Mr. S bought me the loveliest flowers for our anniversary: lilacs, orange and red poppies and fringed tulips. They smell amazing and are cheerful to look at.

Oh, and I saw the first ladybug of the season yesterday. Cute.

Who's Next?

Mr. S and I were talking, a couple of weeks ago, and wondering who will be the next person we know to announce they are pregnant.

We've been trying for so long that over a dozen people we know have become pregnant, and, at first, we would think, "Ah, wouldn't it be cool if we're pregnant at the same time as them?" but that game became too sad, as we continued to not get pregnant, and have watched those pregnancies become babies and then toddlers. Children that we love.

So now that we ARE pregnant, we realized we only know of people due before us. Of course, this is because most people won't announce a pregnancy until they are at 10-12 weeks.

Anyway, we had the loveliest surprise last night. We went out with 2 friends, to see a movie. Afterwards, we went to get 'a drink' and after we'd ordered, our friend said, "Actually, we have something to tell you. We're pregnant too!" She went on to say that she's known for awhile, and she felt bad not telling us, since she had 'cheated' and read my blog. But, they've had losses and were as scared as us, and telling no one. As you all know, we have felt the same way, so totally understood. It is nice for Mr. S to have another man who has felt the same anxiety and worry that he has felt. And now, hopefulness.

I won't go into more details, on the off chance anyone who knows her is reading(although I don't think they are, yet). But, this is just lovely, fantastic news! And, she is due the day after me!

the soft and confusing hat

My Easter was a long, nice and exhausting one. First, bagels with Mr. S(since we figured we should avoid eggs or sweet stuff), and we ran into 3 of my coll.ege stu.dents. A little awkward, but fine.

Then to the market, (farmer's and co-op) I am able to deal with food buying again!

While driving, I called my Dad, and told him we could help him move next weekend, but I wouldn't be able to do much, b/c I am pregnant. He was happy, but cautious. 10 weeks clearly means nothing to him. Funny how quickly some men forget.

Then to the in-law's, we helped get food ready, and waited, a bit anxiously. We knew we were going to tell them, and had planned to use an u/s pic, but it wasn't good quality, so we switched gears.

We waited until lunch was mostly over and gave MiL a tissue box with a hat in it(my new fun way to give baby hats) she was confused, but willing, pulled out the baby hat( the reindeer theme one I got awhile ago at target) and looked more confused(at the size, she liked how soft it was), and I said, "We are hoping that our baby who should be born in November will fit into that!"

Then everyone screamed or laughed and there was general cacophony. SiL started to cry(happily) which was so sweet. Mr.S's family is very sweet, sometimes louder than I am used to, but joyous. They were thrilled to hear about us seeing the baby move.

After lunch we cleaned up some, and I gave our niece some plant/compost advice and then drove straight to our good friend's for their daughter's 1st birthday.
Also fun, but I think the emotions of the day had gotten to me. We got home at 6pm and I was wiped out.

We watched Baby Mama, which I thought would be funnier, and I went to bed.

A nice, rich day, but tiring. Happily, all parents and siblings know now!

Thanks for the 'sharing' support!

Coming Out

We decided we're telling Mr. S's family tomorrow at Easter Lunch. We were going to use the new ultrasound pic, put it in a card, etc. But now, we're not sure what to do, how to do it. The new u/s pic is poor quality and the baby looks quite lumpy- like a potato. When it was in motion it was adorable, but the Dr. froze it and printed at an awkward moment. Ah well.
Obviously, we could just say it. But, since we've waited this long, it would be fun to do something more memorable.
Mr. S says he thinks his Mom knows. The family knew we were doing one more IVF this spring, but we didn't exactly say when...
We honestly thought we'd tell family early, but neither of us realized how worried we'd be.
We are finally starting to (tentatively) relax. There is something about a moving baby that reassures one. Well, reassures me.

The weather is grey, rainy and cool. Perfect for staying in and finishing our taxes. We've done everything by the health deductions. We're hoping that will be a nice refund maker!

Have you dreamed of how you'd tell family? Or, have you had great ways to do it?

I have this sad little target christmas/reindeer baby hat I bought 2+ yrs ago, thinking I could give it to them to tell them we were pregnant. Ah, the naivete of early trying...

Saying the "P" Word

Yesterday was a gorgeous day. OK, that is a late perspective. The first half of the day we had dark grey clouds with torrential downpours... But, the sun came out and the clouds scattered themselves into highlights of white over spring blue. Lovely.

I left my afternoon class and started the 15 minute walk to the metro. Suddenly, I knew it was time to call my Mom and tell her(the 3rd ultrasound did the trick). She was very very happy, and understanding of why we waited to tell her, this time. She agreed that it was good weather to get such news in, and said her walk that day would find her grinning, quietly, to herself.

I am still hesitant to say, "I am pregnant." I get a little flutter, similar to the flutter one gets in early phases of a developing relationship.

"This is my.... boyfriend, Mr. S" (internal voice- 'is it ok that I said that?')
"This is my... fiance, Mr. S" (wow, butterfly city)
"I am engaged." (holy moly, is this happening?)

The first time I heard the words 'husband' and 'wife' used about us in normal conversation, I was floored.

I used to think labels were unimportant. I still believe we give them what weight we want, we choose their power.

But this one, one we worked 3+ years, thousands of dollars, thousands of tears and hundreds of injections for is still giving me shivers.

baby-ish, babyfish

The ultrasound went wonderfully, baby measured exactly 8 weeks, 3 days, and heartbeat was 160bpm. Hurrah!
We are truly released from the RE, it will be strange to be at the OB and considered a 'regular pregnant person' I can't wrap my head around it.

My RE left us a really nice congratulatory message, and wished me a 'normal, healthy pregnancy' and said she wanted 'a picture.' & I thought, a picture? Oh yeah, of the baby. The BABY she expects us to have. I am still thinking in terms of weeks, not months. But, I am relaxing, slowly.

So, here is babyfish, starting to look baby-ish(and a lot like the little baby in the ticker, cool)...

the jar part 2. or, other people's excitement

I had a grand revelation today.
OK, it is probably only large to myself and Mr. S. But still, I am going to share it with you, my faithful readers(and friendly commenters)...

I was on the way to meet an old friend who has recently moved back to the area. I wondered if she'd ask anything about our 'state' etc. On the way, I decided I didn't want to tell her anything.

The reason?
I didn't feel I could handle her excitement.

It made me realize that that is probably the subconscious reason Mr. S and I have held off from telling our parents, and siblings(except my brother)... We worry they will get excited and hopeful, and they may start to 'dream aloud' and that is hard to take, when you aren't allowing yourself to do it. It is easier to tell friends, friends who understand your worry, and friends who are very very hopeful for you, but don't risk losing a family member, if you have a loss.

Of course, I totally ended up telling her.

I managed not to for the whole time we were in the museum, and through most of our snack at a local tea shoppe. But on our way out she started to recommend a medical practitioner for Mr. S to see, 'to help boost fertility.' and I just blurted it out... "Actually..."
She did get very excited, but was awesome when I said we're not ready to get super thrilled yet.

So, it seems the best way for me not to tell people is for me not to see them.

Next ultrasound: wednesday.

Hope Jar, Still Closed (& making it to 8 weeks)

I have been so aware of Mr. S's worries and his reservations about getting excited about us being pregnant, that I haven't been truly aware of my own caution.

But, yesterday I realized that I am being very very cautious, compared to last time.

Last time I would lay and dream of how big I would be by certain holidays(thanksgiving, christmas, my birthday) and of my child playing with SiL's(she was due 3 months before us). I pictured us in the summer with a our new baby, at the pool, etc.
When we lost that baby, we lost all of those dreams too, and that was unbelievably devastating.

Yesterday, I realized that I currently only let myself dream about 2 weeks ahead of wherever I am in this pregnancy.
Three of my close-since-college girlfriends are currently pregnant. I have not let myself get excited about being pregnant with them, of being due within 2-4 months of them.

But, last night we saw the one friend(in that group) who lives nearby, and we told her and her husband. She knows we're worried, so she kept her excitement calm, having dealt with her own loss.

And so here I am at 8 weeks(yay) still not quite willing to start picturing this baby, truly. The dreaming will come. I have a feeling those dreams are all in that jar, multiplying and waiting.

ick settling in

Morning sickness has kicked in well and good. Yuck. I guess I should be happy to have a continual reminder that I am pregnant, but... ugh. Brushing my teeth is now a scary sport. I do it, but don't know if it will be Ok.

I am even considering the ridiculously named preg.gie pops. I need some relief. (by the way, if you know me, I hate the words 'preggo' and 'preggie' just a little p.s.a.)

I made the mistake of going to the grocery store yesterday after work, and was walking down the aisles not wanting to buy anything(except, of all things king's hawaiian sweet rolls) and wondering if Mr. S will have to be the house shopper now. Normally, I LOVE shopping for food.

We got very lucky and got 1/2 price tickets to a cirque du soleil show( we were supposed to go last fall for Mr. S's bday, but the miscarriage messed with that). The show was wonderful and magical. I loved it. It was Koo.za. It was a small splurge, but wonderfully worth it. The $6 popcorn was not, it was stale.

Afterwards we had yummy afghani food(we were in b,more) and it was great, until we were done, at which point all of the food( on everyone's table, and being carried by) looked horrible to me. It is weird. I am a strong stomach kind of person. Usually.

Still haven't told the parents, but I want to soon, Mr S and I will discuss more tonight.

relief

All went well at the ultrasound. The baby measured 7 1/2 weeks, with a heartbeat of 159 bpm. Hurrah!

Mr. S was even more happy than I. He squeezed my foot when she said, "and there is the heartbeat, it looks great."
Huge sigh of relief!

We went and had a nice breakfast, then he went to work and I went to class.

I'll try and get a picture up soon.

We got our 'graduation' packet, and can either go for one more u/s next week, or move onto the OB. I think I'll see how long we have to wait for an appointment, and then decide.

Yay baby, yay heartbeat!

Pink Overhead

I had a bit of a scare yesterday(don't worry, all is well).

It will probably be amusing, so I'll tell it, even though I was ridiculously worried.

I was in a new school, and feeling 'leaky' and went to the bathroom and thought I saw pale pink on the toilet paper. I had a mild heart-attack, but it was so pale I decided to keep going. My underwear(I've taken to only wearing light-colored underwear) I had on was fine.

I worked some more(in an incredibly uncomfortable kindergarten sized chair) and felt more leaky and was convinced I was starting to m/c. For about 20 minutes I sat and did assessments, and thought "there is nothing you can do, just wait a bit, you can go home if you need to, but if you're losing the baby, you can't do anything about it."
To be asking kids what words(such as identical, spritz, and worst of all 'bicker' etc) mean, and to have that monologue running through my head was bizarre.

I went back to the bathroom and had to wait a full 5 minutes for someone to come out, which was torturous. I was outwardly calm(though annoyed at the wait) and inwardly thinking , "Can whoever is taking forever just leave so I can find out!?"
I went in and had the same pale pink, and then looked at the paper more closely, and looked up, and the flourescent light was pink!

I was fine.

I had a nice walk in the woods(there is a park near that school) after work. Everything was squishy/soggy but smelled great in that 'spring is coming' way.

In other news, mild nausea has started, and I keep forgetting that I just need to eat something as soon as I feel icky, or else it gets worse extremely fast, and then I don't want to eat anything.

6 week update

Today we are at 6weeks. Keep growing, baby Lulen!

I get mild cramps, a few times a day, and have lots of worry, and then see no spotting/blood and calm down. Unfortunately, it isn't something I have been able to truly relax about. My miscarriage started with lots of cramping(and then blood) so it makes me uneasy.

But, they did see that my ovaries are still swollen, and there is some fluid in my abdomen, so I am probably going to have some odd feelings going on anyway.

We were supposed to go to a ceili(irish dance) today, but my RE said it is "too active" so we aren't going. We go about every other month, and it feels weird to be not going to the St. Patrick's day one, which is always really festive.

A funny side-effect of being pregnant(really, of being tired, earlier than usual) Mr. S and I have a backlog of shows on Tivo, as we can't get through much, b/c once it is 10pm I get incredibly sleepy.

I am trying to appreciate, every day, that I am pregnant. But, I am not ready to post a ticker as a part of the main blog. So, I'll post one here

Ultrasound one

I woke up super early this morning with anxiety about the pregnancy and ultrasound. I was worried there's be no baby, or I'd have an ectopic, or something. (I have had lots of odd pains).

We got to the clinic in record(for a weekday) time, and even ran into a friend who is currently on IUI's, and very hush-hush so we didn't ask her anything(or tell)... After a long wait, we were called in, and we saw...
One yolk sac. I had a moment of super-sadness. What about embryo B? But, I am getting over it. The RE said the sac was in a great place(high up) and he thought he could see the fetal pole and h/b area, but the u/s tech was like "I am not convinced" which wasn't great for Mr. S's worry-nodes. But, she didn't realize we aren't at 6 weeks yet(they usually wait until then) and her parting comment was, "If you were here this afternoon, I bet we'd catch that heartbeat." Which made me happy.

We have a picture, but it is super tiny and just looks like a round donut in a dot. Mr. S couldn't scan it at work.

The rest of the day has lived up to Fri. 13th unluckiness, they couldn't find our b/w order, so we had to wait 30 more minutes to do that, and then I hit HORRENDOUS traffic on my drive to the city/school and I was so late my students had already left(which I knew would happen, college students may leave after 15 min, and I was almost 30 minutes late). So, the stressful drive was all for naught.

But, I am safely home, and enjoying imagining that even now my body is host to not one heartbeat, but two. Mine and that of our tiny tiny baby.

The joys of Insurance

Our insurance won't cover and IF stuff, but once you are pregnant, they'll cover meds. But only after days of 'awaiting approval.' And only with very specific pharmacies. I hate them.

I have been on the phone with the approved pharmacy 8 times(between Friday and today) and EVERY time I have to say my info, all of it, name, address, birth date. And had to answer inane questions such as "has your info changed?" and I have said, "I just signed up with you Friday, why would it change?" "We have to ask you, ma'am." Today, a person said, "we don't have your info." I almost lost it.

After much being put on hold and getting close to tears of rage, they are sending the PIO, a day later than I need it, but I have some crinone to hold me over. Honestly, I was so annoyed that I felt like I'd rather pay full price than deal with their crap.

After all of the frustration, I opened my front door and tried to breathe in some cool fresh air and remind myself that things are going well.

I am pregnant, and their idiocy shouldn't effect me.

Looking for the Safe Zone

This morning I woke early, and had some quiet time with Lulen and Luna, and even visualized Lulen on the left and Luna on the right. We will be 5 weeks tomorrow. I realized that I am just sort of holding my breath until we pass 7 weeks, because we miscarried right before that, last time.

Logically, I know that passing the 7 week mark is no magic "safe zone" but it will be a personal milestone. I wonder how many people have these little markers? I can imagine that we'll pass that(please let us pass it) and then move the 'marker' up, to 8 weeks, then 10, etc.

So, the 3rd beta(19dper, or 14dp5dt) came in at 2565! Hurrah! This number is quite close to first time around, so I am still operating under the "it may be one or two" theory. They want me to come in for my ultrasound next week, but due to a busy schedule(new pt job) I am not going in until Friday. I'll be 5w5days. It is unlikely we'll see anything but a sac, or two. The nurse said, "The Dr. wants to get some measurements."

And, in progesterone news, I am allowed to switch to suppositories, but am staying on PIO, b/c I am paranoid. Now I have to get my insurance to cover it!

The weather is fantastic. I think I'll take the babies for a walk this morning.

So Very Tired

I can't believe how tired I am. Almost all of the time. I am a pretty sprightly person, in daylight(especially sunny daylight). So much so that I rarely nap. In fact, I usually know I am getting sick when I have the desire to nap, because it is so rare.

But, being pregnant is making me think of naps fondly.

I am also full of twinges, pings and small cramps. I am trying to relish each sign, each mild discomfort, as a sign that things are going well.

I was a bit of a grump last night when my brother(one of only IRL people who knows we are pregnant) called to congratulate me on my 2nd beta. After getting off the phone with him I realized something. We are more likely to stay pregnant than not. The odds are for us. That is a scary thing to say/write. All my mild superstitions come out, rampant. Knock on wood, whisper....

My clinic wants me to do one more beta, since my first was so "early" they are weird, it was 15dper. Oh well, another early waking day for me. Tomorrow will be 19dper.

I am going to be sleeperonymous rex this weekend! And, I am seeing a BUNCH of friends, and have to keep it all secret. Mr. S comforted me(when I said someone might notice my newly enhanced upper part) by saying "they'll probably just think you've gained weight."
Awesome.

bidding up and down

We almost had to postpone our beta, because the area got hit with a big(for us) snowstorm. At 715 am we had 6 inches, and heavy snow falling. Personally, I can handle driving in snow(well, I don't like white-out...) but I am very wary of many of the drivers in this area because they freak out and are all slidey and overly brakey.

But, within an hour the snow-fall had slowed, so I called and asked if we could come in later for the bloodwork, and they said, "Sure, everyone is coming late."
All day(after and before the beta) I was making little bets with myself.

"It will be almost 300"
Then I'd get a weird twinge, or (ahem) moisture that felt like spotting... and I'd bargain down.
"OK, at least 200..."
more twinges, more moisture, after eating vegetarian chinese food for lunch(with the dreaded soy)
and I had bargained down to 100, even though I knew my tests were dark.

So, imagine my joy and surprise when I got the call, "It is a very good number, Dr. O is quite happy....

371"
!!!!!!!

Hurrah high beta. So, we go in on Wednesday for beta #2 and will pray for sticking and for doubling. I had a pretty high beta with FET pregnancy(311) and that was just one, so I am not going to bandy about the twin word. That is what ultrasounds are for!
For the curious, we are 10days past 5 day transfer, or 15days past Egg Retrieval.

& P.S. thank you all you kind comment-leavers, you make me so happy! Shared joy, double joy!

Today is a Good Day

One of my online friends(in an ivf-cycling group) who had a loss last year says, whenever she worries about whether her new pregnancy will stick, "Today is a good day because today I am pregnant."

And, I am having a lot of those worries, those worries that those of us who've had a miscarriage will have.

But, today is a good day, because today I am pregnant.

Hurrah!

I tested positive (light line) on Thursday. I decided to test that early(6dp5dt, or 11dper) because I kept waking up with anxiety. And, because I really and truly was convinced this cycle wouldn't work. The lower number of eggs, no blasts. All of it made me gloomy.

So, I POAS, and went and did yoga for a bit, and the whole time started thinking up ways to cope and move on.

The line was light, but wonderful. I honestly felt like a different person coming out of the room, from doing yoga, with that 2 lined stick in hand.

The tests have since darkened, and last night I did the digital that says "Pregnant," partially because it is the test Mr. S believed last time.

I go in Monday for my beta. I will be 10dp5dt. I really really hope we have a sticky baby(or two). Please let this be it. Let these good days continue!

crab soup

About 10 minutes after writing the last post, I had the desire to take it off, as I felt like Ms. Poppy Complainerson. But, I decided that it is OK to be up and down on the blog, so I am leaving it.

I do want to clarify that I feel I've been lucky with most of my IRL friends being incredibly thoughtful and aware about IF stuff. Some of them already had friends deal with it, and some didn't, but most have been sensitive and kind, throughout.

So, Mr. S and I went out for a late dinner to our favorite local diner, and ordered 2 dinner specials. At this place(which has a greek base, but does all kinds of diner food) you get soup, salad and 2 veggies with a dinner special. It has been awhile since we've been there, so I forgot that the soup and salad are both LARGE. We each got greek salads, and I ordered maryland crab soup, and Mr. S ordered tomato bisque. As the soup and salad came out we were like "oh man, we should've split!" we always forget how large their portions are.

The soup is homemade, and it was just a bit spicy, with tomato and veggie heartiness and chunks of crab. I have felt better since I ate it! I was tempted to order some to go, it made me feel so good. They make all their soups there, so there is no guarantee when they'll have it again.

I basically ate 3 bites of my main meal, and brought it all home. I also came home with the crackers, as Mr. S was like "take those and keep them in your purse!" for future ick-i-ness. Sweet man.

Ick

I have been feeling off all day. I've had moments of mild queasiness for the past 7-9 days, but today it is much worse. I woke up this morning feeling yucky, and, if I don't eat something small pretty darn often, I feel icky again. This is messing with me and my plan to spend the day cleaning/organizing.

Many people swear that they will never complain about pregnancy symptoms, once they finally get pregnant. I, however, promised no such thing! I always knew that if I finally did get pregnant, I would deserve feeling/saying what was going on with me. Maybe this is because I've been lucky, and not had to deal with lots of "you're lucky you don't feel like this" comments from friends, as some of my IF friends have.

I did, however, hear lots of "we were just lucky... we were extra fertile" which are things that should be outlawed to say around people that are either A: dealing with infertility or B: someone you don't know enough to know if they are A.


No food aversions yet. Things I am an extra fan of: pistachio nuts, cucumber, oatmeal, boiled eggs, juice, crackers.

But honestly, typing all of those together brought back the ick factor.

Still, I know this is normal, and helps me feel like the baby is growing along as s/he should be.