remembering different selves

I don't know exactly when it happened that trying to get pregnant took over my every waking thought(hmm, one month after we started?) but now that we are on the verge of IVF(something I dreaded since being told it would be the only way a year and a half ago) I am suddenly feeling myself waking up, back to my old self, or at least remembering that old self. The person who would rather be creating than watching tv(avoidance) or surfing the net(comfort/education/avoidance).

One thing that is helping me with this feeling of renewal is listening to old favorite music. The drive to our IVF clinic is 40 minutes on a good day, add traffic(which is a likelihood in the DC area) and you can imagine the sitting and grumping. A couple of weeks ago, on my drive to get my birth control pills(we are taking part in a study, more about that in another entry) I heard a song on the radio, Smashing Pumpkins "Today" which is a very hopeful song. I turned up the radio, cheered up, and had a bright idea.

I thought, "I will get Mr. Seed to make me a mix cd, and it will be all music I love." I called him to tell him my idea and he was all for it. Normally, if he makes me a mix it takes him a month and is very savvy and produced well and has many songs I don't know that he wants me to. I said, "this is no time to 'edu-macate' me." and he agreed.

So, I started with a handwritten list and then started thinking, "Don't forget about her, you love her." but it has been so long since I've listened to some music that I had to bring out the cd's and listen to them all the way through.

Our table has a pile on it: the Cure, John Lennon, Sarah McLachlan, Bjork, Jane's Addiction, Iron & Wine, Sting, the Beatles, Paul Simon and many many more.

I have been dancing in my kitchen and singing heartily. I am coming back to me.