tiny strawberries

A year ago this week I was in my first IVF two week wait. I was blissfully eating tiny, locally grown strawberries, and imagining my embryos implanting. Of course, that IVF failed, and I now think the IVF failed in the transfer(with the terrible doctor, the chills(they were out of blankets) and the cramping I had. But, that knowledge is current. The devastation of that failed IVF was unbelievable.

Now, one year later, I am eating strawberries from the same farmer, and I have the blissful feeling that those strawberries are nourishing our growing baby.

I still have fearful days/nights. I consider getting a doppler for peace of mind. (especially after afore-posted scary boat ride)... but, I hold out.

Last night, as I lay in bed, I put my hand on my lower abdomen, on the fibrous hardness that is now rising above my pelvis, and I swear I felt (internally) a small movement. It was exciting, and of course, can't be confirmed. But, I am closing in on 16 weeks, and have since read that people start to feel movement around now.

If I do start to feel the baby(I should say "Once I feel the baby!"), my doppler fantasies will dissipate!

Maybe then Mr. S and I will reopen the name conversation, the nursery planning, all of the things we've left untouched since our dashed hopes. We're still living week by week, uncertain about looking months ahead. Soon.

basil, and the frost around the corner

I have been playing a wait and see game with the weather, lately. There are many things in my garden that will get killed by frost. Each day I check the weather to see if it will go into the 30's. We've had 2 nights that said it would go to 37, and on one it went to 35!

So, why wait? Well, part of it is laziness, and part of it is enjoying seeing things continue to grow.

Harvesting the second set of tomatoes won't be easy, they are vines, and they are everywhere, and since they are green, they are hard to find. And, I like ripe tomatoes, as I've been getting a couple of ripe cherry tomatoes every other day.

With the basil, it is pure laziness. But, I finally decided that yesterday would be a perfect day for the harvest. I pulled up 6 plants by the roots, shook off the soil and got ready to go. The sun was shining, and I put my little mp3 player on and went to picking. Since I was making pesto, I didn't want to use leaves with spots, so that meant I had a lot of sorting to do. But, I ended up with a large bowlful of gorgeous shiny leaves, and it smelled wonderful.

It was interesting to sit and do this. I sat on our porch steps, with the sun and air so gorgeous, with leaves falling from trees, and felt my normal, current state of wary content. I can be content in the small moments, but larger things make me wistful and long for greater things(to be pregnant again/still, to be moving on fully).

As any gardener does, I am already thinking of the next season. I was in the kitchen, squeezing water from the blanched basil leaves, and I thought to myself, 'How will you be able to handle it if you aren't pregnant on your due date?' The basil formed a hard ball in my hand, once I took it from the cloth. I squeezed it, thinking, 'I hope it doesn't come to that, but you'll deal, you have to, as you've done with all of this.'

I realized, that I have been feeling like age is like the frost around the corner, as far as fertility is concerned.

Currently, I am 36, and, luckily, in decent fertile shape. But I don't know how long this sunny spell will last, how long I will have good eggs, and all of that. There is no nightly web-site where I can check my fertility forecast, but knowing that it only gets harder(colder) the older I get makes me want to rush to the clinic and get going.