travel, and gettingover through

I started this post two weeks ago, while out of town. I was interrupted, and clearly, didn't get back to it right away. I have missed this journal, and I think it is time to come back. I needed some time off, I think. Thanks for checking in on me.

I am in Guatemala visiting my brother. A week ago I had the thought, "Why haven't you visited him?" There have been a hundred reasons over the last 10 months to not visit my brother, TTC, no money, Work, no money, IVF and saving for it.... etc. But I saw a chance for a quick trip and I took it. I arrived Wednesday afternoon and I leave on Tuesday. (obviously, this was written there, I got home July 1)

The day I arrived we left for the north of the country. I wanted to see the Mayan ruins of Tikal. My brother had warned me, "It is not easy to get there, especially if you are just coming for 7 days." But, I was determined.

We took an overnight bus trip to get there. The bus was ok, not terrible, not great. I slept poorly(I like beds) and woke to a grey dawn and the announcement, "Flores" and we rushed off the bus.

Tikal was amazing, wondrous, magical. Temples rise out of the jungle, the vegetation is lush and powerful. It definitely reminded me of being in Greece, a similar scale to the monuments, the breadth of human achievement, the timelessness of old stone structures.

We stayed one night there(and let me tell you, that was a good sleep) and then were off to head back to Guatemala City, to get to my brother's town.

That day, we had 3 bus rides. 1 hour from Tikal to Flores, 4 1/2 hrs from Flores to Coban(both mini-bus/minivans) and then 5 hrs from Coban to Guatemala City. The rides were bumpy and, at times, very squished seating. But, I enjoyed myself. The mountains of Guatemala are gorgeous, and I was inspired to see the amazing scenery, the farms, the people on the roadsides. All of it. My neck was sore from looking out the window for hours and hours.

We met some people in Tikal who had flown there. They couldn't believe we had taken the bus, and would do so again. Part of me(the tired, sore part) agreed. But, a budget is a budget. On the busride back to Guatemala City, I realized I was happy to be on the bus. Mountains, clouds, corn growing at ridiculous angles, bright clothing on women, children bathing in mountain streams, all flashing by. I thought to myself, “If I did this again, I’d fly one way and bus the other.”

And of course, I thought of my failed IVF, and this terrible, necessary journey I am on. I have to continue. I have to go through it, I can’t take the easy route, and fly over it. I truly truly hope I will one day look back on all of this and have some measure of gratitude. But for now, the journey is a metaphor not for ivf/pregnancy, etc, but for my healing, grieving and moving through.
(started on 6/29- resumed & finished on 7/16