the edge

This entry is a bit boring, sorry...

I went to my regular OB Gyn on Tuesday afternoon. He hadn't known about me being pregnant, or the miscarriage. (I had been 3 days from being 'released' to him when I miscarried, and it was all too depressing to have to call and give both sets of news) so anyway, he was worried that I had been spotting for 6 weeks, so had me do an ultrasound, and, no big surprise(as my beta was at 400 last week) the u/s lady found a tiny bit of tissue. He had me do bloodwork, and then we met in his office. He said he felt it would probably be best to do a D&C, if the beta hadn't gone down much.

So, I left there and went home, exhausted. I am so tired of dealing with this. I also know, in my gut, that I'd rather not have a D&C, but that I also want to move on. I told him I'd need to talk to my RE.

She called me yesterday, and I told her my new beta number (200, a bigger drop than it has done in awhile) and she said she really hopes I won't need a D&C. She is worried about scarring, and future ivf/pregnancy. She said "If you hadn't passed most of the tissue, this would be what you need, but I think you should wait." She suggested I do more b/w in 2 weeks, and that if my beta isn't down, close to zero, they do a saline sonogram, and then if there is still tissue, a smaller, more focused removal, not a full scrape. That sounds better to me, so that is the plan.

The good news is that I am bleeding for real now, period-style. I am hoping that the last of it will go with it.

Ironically, there have been a lot of postings for blood-drives at school(one every week) with 'urgent need' posted. I kept almost going in, and having to remind myself that I can't spare any blood right now.

Now that I am passing the amount of weeks I was pregnant(as in it has been almost 7 weeks since we lost it and I was almost 7 weeks) I can feel myself getting more me-like. But, like a break-up that you mourn, I can't help feel wistful for the almost was, for my belly that should be burgeoning. Happily, I no longer feel the beautiful sunny days are indecent or cruel, and the bright leaves are starting to seem lovely, which is nice.