A friend of mine recently joined facebo.ok. We are now friends and this is our second reconnection. I was looking at her profile and saw the little sticker “obam.amama” and had this huge twinge of envy and sadness. The label/button seemed smug. Which is ridiculous, why should she pretend to be something she isn’t?
I realized that she is something I am not yet. I am not a “Mama”. That this is a simple label I cannot give myself, whether I want to or not. Politics aside, it was really the “mama” that got to me. This may be because we’ve known each other for 20 yrs, and we had been on such similar paths, until IF came into my life.
We were friends in college(and before) and had lost touch due to distance. We reconnected 3 yrs ago and started having once a month phone conversations. She started ttc and told me all about Taking Ch.arge of your f.ertility, which I went and bought, to prepare for my own ttc which would start soon. We shared fears of not getting pregnant, but we are both healthy, conscious, active people and assured each other we didn't think IF would be in each other's lives. The month I started trying she called, and I knew what she would say, and was happy when she said, “we’re pregnant, we’re keeping it quiet but I wanted you to know, since you and I’ve been talking about it.” I was thrilled for her, it was their 4th month trying. She told me she felt protective and superstitious about the pregnancy, and I made her a watercolor ‘protector’ painting and mailed it to her.
The months went by and Mr. S and I continued to not get pregnant. I had a harder time with our monthly calls. I wish I could pretend otherwise. When she visited, 3 months after her son(who she named my favorite boy’s name-which we had both discussed liking) was born, I had a small party so friends could see her and the baby.
It was harder for me than I thought it would be. The party was stressful (cleaning the house, food prep, she invited more people than I wanted there) and I didn’t return her next call. I just sort of let our communication go.
Now we are reconnecting and I am trying not to envy her new title/label, how far ahead from me she is going on this road of life.
I am surrounded by friends with children, but somehow, she is the one I feel sadness and envy around. She is “Mama” and I am still, solely, Poppy.
New Adventures
8 years ago
I have a picture of me and dh holding a baby. Not ours, my best friends'. As kids we used to plan how we would go to the same college, then live next door and how our kids would be best friends. Well, things didn't quite turn out that way. I went to college-she didn't, we live on opposite sides of the country, and well the last is obvious.
ReplyDeleteThere are days when I want to tear down that picture, those days when I'm on the low end of my ivf roller emotional coaster ride. Envy, jealousy, frustration, anger, pity, ok I'll stop now.
Then there are days when I have hope. I think about the day when the baby in that photo is ours. I look at the smile on my dh's face and think about the day that it will come for real. Love, support, aspiration, perseverance, courage, resilience, strength, patience...
It is so hard to not feel envious -- I don't even know if it's possible. I think it is hardest with the people we are closest to. It took me about 6 months to accept my sister's pregnancy last year. Finally I told her I was jealous, and that cleared the air. Of course it takes a special person to hear from us that we are jealous.
ReplyDeleteYou will be Mama Poppy -- when we don't know, but yes it will come.
Your feelings are so understandable especially since you and your friend started TTC together. Thanks for sharing, hoping your dreams to be a Mama soon.
ReplyDeleteIts weird how some friends with babies I am ok with and others are harder to be around. One of my best friends is due any day with her second, both of her babies were conceived on the first "try." She didn't tell me about the second one until she was 7 months pregnant (we live far away from each other now). It made me feel bad that she didn't tell me, and I am also very conscious of the fact that after 2 years she has 2 babies and I have none. It's tough and there is no good answer...but - you are not alone at least!
ReplyDelete