'come back in a week'

Well, I no longer feel like I am floating/upside down, but I can't pretend all is well, either.

We were at a wedding reception on Saturday night, and I was pretty fine, enjoying seeing friends, etc. Then I saw a man holding his wife, with his hands on her belly, and he did the same thing when they sat down. Somehow, I could handle the woman who was really showing, but the woman who didn't appear pregnant, but whose husband's actions made me guess she was just brought home to me that I had been expecting to be just past 9 weeks when I attended the wedding. Expected to have been released to my OB, and getting excited about the 2nd trimester. I got very sad, sad enough for Mr. S to look at me(as we were dancing) and say "what is wrong?"

Earlier that night, someone we hadn't seen in awhile asked Mr. S how he's been. He said "great." and I asked him later, "How can you say 'great'?" he said, "well, the rest of my life is fine." but really, he has been down as well. I realized that he said 'great' because that is what people want to hear.

Today I went in for my 3rd beta blood test to see how the hcg is dropping. I hate going in for this. Always, before, bloodwork was no fun, but at least was working towards something. Now I am working towards nothing. Literally. At 6wk5days, the day of the miscarriage, my hcg was quite high- 35,000. Eight days later it was 1250, which was a marvelous drop. But today, 2 weeks after the last draw, it is 670. They like it to get close to 0 before you start anything again.

Having to get up early to go in for b/w, sit and wait, and then have the sharp smell of alcohol, pain of the needle and even the stick of the tape, bulky under my shirt are all just one thing too many. The ironic thing is that I was not feeling too badly today, until the call about the number. I had thought this would be my last visit to do b/w. Now I don't know how many more I will have.

I think I've been waiting to have something hopeful/encouraging to write. But today, I decided I just need to write here when I want.

Some days are fine, no day is happy, I don't cry everyday anymore, but when I do cry it comes almost as a surprise, like "oh, I am crying again" and it is fierce and unexpected. I hold myself very still, when travelling between things, places, appointments, the usual errands. I have moments when I think "at least that earlier grief prepared you, some"(when I think of my grandfather's death, or some other, earlier trauma) and wonder what strengths I will gain from this. In a way, I don't want to learn anything. But, I'm experienced enough to know I will, and, in a way, to resent that. Both the knowledge of the fact, and that future wisdom.