"Are you sure you're not...?"

There are questions that we all face in different times of our life, that we dread. Things we wish could be closed topics. I remember graduating from college and wanting to make a t-shirt that said, "I don't know what I am doing after graduation." and maybe in small print, "a job would be nice."

Then there is the mid-twenties, approaching thirties "Do you ever want to get married?"
If you are married and buy a house, the questions switch to the obvious, "Are you going to have kids?"

It is interesting that the marriage question is a "do you want to?" which seems to allow for the fact that you need to meet someone, etc. to achieve wedded-ness.

But once you have met someone the want/intention is assumed to be all you need to achieve parent-ness.

I have a simple answer, for most people to the kids question: "we hope to"

This summer, I've had a few more pointed questions thrown my way. A couple are recorded below.

On Saturday, at our neighborhood pool, a new friend said to me, "Are you pregnant? You've been looking tired lately."
inwardly, great, thanks, outwardly , "No, I'm not pregnant."
Her: "Are you sure?"
Me: "Yes, I am sure."
Her: "But you could be and not know it."
Me: "Trust me, I'm not."

Tired comment aside, she is a kind, progressive person. So I decided to tell her we're doing an embryo transfer on Tuesday. She and our other friend got very excited.
"So next summer you could be sitting here with a new baby!"
Me, inwardly yeah, right, outwardly: "I guess so."

A month ago, on walking into my house, my Dad: "I keep thinking of you as pregnant."
Me: "Well, I'm not."

On the phone two days ago, he asks me, "Do you have anything to tell me?"
Me: "No."

Sometimes these little conversations make you see how you are feeling/thinking. Talking with them made me realize how much I am expecting this FET to fail. It made me sad. That hope sproutling I had in April seems to have gone into hibernation. It is my least favorite part of IF, the change in outlook. I have had other people ask similar questions, telling me I could be pregnant and not know it. It makes me laugh, in a bitter way.

Nevertheless, I got the call scheduling my transfer. Tuesday at 3:45pm. I got a little stomach-flip of excitement. I guess some deep down part of me is sunning that hope seedling.