messing with my hormones again: An IVF cycle broken down

Getting started with this IVF is so much easier than the last(first) one. I am so much less resistant to the process:

1. Birth control pills- yes, it is silly to take something that prevents pregnancy, in order to help me get pregnant. But now that I understand that taking them can help protect my ovaries from stress, I am all for it. And, the extra month is a good time to prepare, mentally. 21 days.

2. Lupron- well, I hated lupron last time(hello migraine) but have learned that it helps downregulate my pituitary, and keep it from releasing LH, so when I start stims, they work more effectively(aren't competing with anything) I am OK with that too. 10-18 days.

3. Gonal-F, luveris(stim meds)I do not look forward to having over-enlarged ovaries again, it was quite uncomfortable, last time. But, it is temporary. Knowing I will only feel that way for 5-14 days, I can deal. Also, sticking myself with needles is something I am really good at now.

4. Ultrasounds and bloodwork- weekly, every other day, daily... OK, those get old quickly, even if it is fun to count the follicles. Scheduling can be a beast. But, like with stims, this is a short term thing. After 3 weeks, I'll be (mostly) free.

5. Antibiotics. Last time, I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotics they give you "just in case you have an infection." To me, it felt like the cure was worse than the (hypothetical) disease. Luckily, they only make people do them one time a year.

6. Trigger shot(to "ripen" the eggs, prepare them for retreival)- OK, I hate this one, it hurts, and also makes one 'blocked up' like I need more of anything in my abdomen.

7. Egg Retrieval- waking up at 5 am, donning ridiculous paper cap and shoes, being knocked out, being woken up, bleary, achey. I am hopeful I'll get similar news from the last E.R. (14 eggs, all mature)

8. Waiting for the fertilization report- scary, hopeful. 1 day.

9. Getting the fertilization report- one of the best days(last time). Possibly the first time my and Mr. S's genes got together.

10. Embryo Transfer. First one sucked, I didn't drink enough, and had to wait, had a horrible, dismissive, transfer Doctor. Second one went much better, I learned to relax while the nurse pressed down on my overfull bladder with the ultrasound wand. The Dr. was wonderful, and helped me relax (as opposed to Mr. "oh, are you cramping, that isn't good." This is where I think we failed the first time, and succeeded the second.

11. Progesterone in Oil- I won't pretend, these injections suck. But, having done just suppositories, and not gotten pregnant, I will do the evil PIO injections, and will try not to get impatient with Mr. S worrying where to do it, and going to slow. Faster is better, when a 1 1/2 " needle is concerned, people! 14 days-3 months.

12. Waiting to find out. Analyzing every twinge, bloat and body change. Crazy, weird, hopeful, interesting. But, again, not that long- 10-14 days.

So, I admit, I am excited to be back on the IVF train, never thought I would say that!

rain= gloomy, sun = cheerful

I woke up to a sunny day, after 2 days of heavy grey clouds and lots of rain(and 2 days of a low-level headache). Around noon, I took a long walk, and called a friend I haven't talked to in awhile. She was like "you sound great!" and I thought, "Wow, if I had talked to her yesterday I would have been doom and gloom!" I seem to be more sensitive to light as a mood effector, these days.

We are gathering funds for our 2nd(last?) IVF/ICSI. I am still a job-applying fool, but we plan to get started in February, regardless of insurance coverage. My RE is ready, and has just sent a tentative protocol. Exciting, scary.

We still haven't figured out whether Share.d Ri.sk is for us. In the shower today I thought "do you want to pay $11,000 for an insurance policy?" No answer presented. It seems like I am trying to trick myself into knowing what we should do, what is best. But, I cannot know, and that is VERY aggravating! If we knew we could easily afford the monthly payment on S.R. I think we'd do it.

I am realizing that the thought of a 2nd IVF experience, and all it entails, scares me less than it did before. I know parts of it will suck(hello, huge ovaries, hello egg retrieval) but I have been through it before. I'll eat and drink well, and hope, hope hope.

the fish in the pond

Today I was on my back deck hanging laundry( sunny day= time to do the wash, to me). I looked down at our pond to see if I could find the fish I put in there on Thursday. They've been eluding me, so much that I thought they'd been eaten. But, from the stairs I could see the golden orange glint of them, swimming around, swiftly and all together. It made me super-cheery. I tried to count them, it took a minute, but I finally was able to count and recount. Seven.

Because everything these days is about IVF, I immediately thought, "That means we will have seven embryos still growing today." and then felt foolish.

I got the call 2 hours later.
We have 7 embryos growing!!!

They are all 4 cell, and I didn't know exactly what that meant, but the nurse said, "We like to see them at 2-4, so it is very good."

They have me scheduled for a 5 day transfer. That means that on Thursday I will be going in for Embryo Transfer.

I asked her if our lone "natural" fertilized one is still going and she said it is. Very cool.

Yay seven!

Pretending it is a Normal Day

I made the mistake of pretending today(the day after egg retrieval) was a normal day. We went into the clinic, early, to get "randomized" for the progesterone study. I noticed I wasn't feeling 100%, so we took the elevator, and then, I felt all fluttery when going to get blood drawn.

Annoyed aside: The b/w tech put in the needle and said, "How are you doing?" and I said, "actually, this sort of hurts. It is uncomfortable."(usually it hurts for a second and then is fine) and she replied, "I am uncomfortable too." and did nothing. WTF?

After all that(I got randomized to do crinone, not the experimental ring) we went to have breakfast, which I ate half of. Then we shopped at the co-op and that is when I started to think, "Maybe pretending that all I need to do is walk slow isn't going to cut it."

Anyway, I came home and took a nap and then went to the pool and took it very very easy. No helping friend with their kids, no bringing of much food to share, etc. I did get treated to nice salads and even received a beautiful present of ramps(something I've been looking for everywhere.) It was nice to sit and be mellow. My friend's almost 3 yr old kept bringing me my water bottle. I wonder if he could tell I was under the weather?

OK, for those who want to know. The Fertilization Report:
Of our 14 eggs they did ICSI on 8 and 7 are growing. (yay)
They did natural fertilization on the other 6, and one is growing. (also Yay, but you can see why we haven't gotten pregnant in 2 1/2 yrs!)
So that makes it a grand total of 8 growing. (we were told anything over half is good)
I hope tomorrow to have good news. We were warned not to expect all 8 to make it.

I really appreciate all of the wonderful, positive comments. Thank you all!

Don't Mind the Lady in the Dressing Room

Today we had 21 follicles.
2-20mm
2-19mm
4- 14-17mm
and a bunch smaller. Estr. at 1900. My study nurse said she thought they'd wait another day to trigger me, but my Dr. called at noon to tell me it would be today. Hurrah! No more Gonal-f, Luveris or Lupron!

I was in the dressing room at Marshall's when the phone rang. I had my shirt off and jeans still on. In retrospect, maybe I should've asked her to call back, or to call her back. But, I didn't. I crouched down and tried to talk quietly. I don't think anyone was near me, but if they were it must've been funny to hear me asking if I can wear perfume(for ER) and what my estrogen is, etc. I had a moment, in the corner, near the mirror, thinking, "Is this where you have this conversation?" But, as John Lennon said on "Beautiful Boy"(which is on my IVF drive mix) "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."

So, ER is Saturday. EARLY. They want us there at 6am. I will be put under, but no breathing tube. I haven't been put under since I was 17, for my wisdom teeth. I got emotional then, so I can only imagine how I'll be.

I walked around Marshall's and then Trader Joe's with a big smile on my face. I didn't even feel goofy or strange. Just happy.

I really feel like this is going to work. I know I should be cautious, and careful with my feelings. But, if we get a BFN I will be devastated, no matter what. Doing IVF means you are hoping it will work, it is a huge investment, in time, emotions, and money.

The trigger shot is done, I can get rid of the "target" the nurse drew on me.

It Just Takes One

I realized today that I have been avoiding a mutual friend of ours(she's known Mr. S longer) because she is one of the people who likes to say, "It just takes one." about our low sperm numbers. There have been a few people who've said this to me and I feel like asking them if they think we aren't actually trying.

Another friend cornered me at a party a few months ago and gave me the "just relax" speech. I have learned that it is best to just let these people blather on, because whatever you say they don't actually hear you. She actually said, "Poppy, you just have to relax." over 10 times. I am not exaggerating! So, I tried to just smile and wait her out, but then she said, "You look like you don't agree." I somehow managed to keep myself under control and explain that you can't relax a medical condition away. Her big zinger of the evening, "I knew you'd have trouble getting pregnant because you want it so much."

Overall, my friends have been sensitive, and I feel lucky to have people in my life who think before they speak. Most of them.

But what gets me is that those type of negative(or thoughtless) comments stick. I can't forget them. I want to.

It makes me want to send it back to them.
"You know, it just took one thoughtless comment from you and now it is hard for me to hang out with you."

I wish I could let these things go!

In IVF news, my estrogen is only up 200(now at 1348) and I now have 20 measurable follicles. They said I might not trigger until Friday. I am getting more and more bloated and feel like lobbing the "just one" thing at them. But, I know it isn't about that, with IVF, and we need more follicles to be at 18mm(just one, today, was there).

Obligatory Stirrup entry

Ah, the stirrups. They are something every woman dealing with infertility has had to get way more comfortable with then she'd like. My guess is that most of us, including those who used to dislike annual ob exams, now scoff at the yearly lift of the feet and scoot down the table. In the past 5 weeks, I've had my feet up in those stirrups, bum to the air, over 10 times.

I've never been the most modest person. In college I was known for being willing to strip down and jump in the river. I even helped re-start our college's annual May Day bike ride. When a friend heard it had been a college tradition in the 70's they said, "Poppy, you are the person to get this going again." And I got 6 volunteers and we stripped down and rode through campus, au naturel. I did it 2 more times before I moved away.

Anyway, due to this kind of nudity comfort, I am OK with being naked, with just a paper 'sheet' between me and anyone in the room. And, I am mostly OK with the dildo-cam.

Today I was lead to the ultrasound room, asked to get ready, and left alone. Usually someone comes within 5 minutes. This time it was 10-15. I got bored. At least the room was warm! I actually leaned back and was reading my magazine, when the knock came. The tech came in and we had our normal small talk. 5 seconds later the door opens. No knock.

I am thinking, "Who is this guy, did he forget something?"
He looks at the monitor and then says, "Hi, I'm Dr. Study" (he actually says his name and I slightly remember seeing it on the study literature)
He proceeds to watch the ultrasound in progress and second guessesthe tech on one follicle. Never explains why he is in there.
Me, internally, "Oh, please, don't worry about me. Why not leave the door open?"

I wonder what other people would do in this situation, we seem taught to be quite mute in medical settings, and even I felt cowed by my half-nude state. I do wish I had said, "Who are you? Why are you in here?"

He tells me everything looks great and I'm progressing like they'd hoped, and I'll probably trigger Thursday, as most people do after 10 days of stims, and he leaves.

We finish up, but my normally chatty tech is clearly flustered and doesn't even give me both follie sheets.

I didn't realized I'd gotten used to my normal u/s routine, but he threw me off too! Also, the idea of 2 more days of stims, with me growing more bloated feeling by the hour, does not appeal.

I called my nurse and she said, "He doesn't get to decide when you trigger, don't worry."

Today's results are in, and they are good, I think. For those who have a clue of what I am talking about, here are my numbers. (I include them b/c I have become a number junkie, checking mine against some others to make sure I am alright). After 7 days on stims(150 iu gonal-f, 75 luveris and 5 lupron)
Estrogen is 1157(was 344 on Sunday)
Right ovary- 7 "measurable" follicles- most between 12-15mm, one at 16.
Left ovary- 8 "measurable" follicles- most at 14-15mm.
Lining 11mm.

My tech said that my left ovary looked like a condo. I go back tomorrow, and hope everyone is back to normal!

vidalia, roses, rain

I walked into a local supermarket last week and saw a large pile of onions, they were large and had slightly flattened tops and bottoms. I thought to myself, "The vidalia's are in!"

My grandfather would get excited each year, when the vidalias came in. I remember walking with him in the grocery store and him picking one up and saying, "These are different, they are sweet." Now that he is gone, and I am working on building my own family, memories like these really get to me. I am grateful I knew my grandfather enough to know such a small thing about him. I want my children to know their grandparents in that way. But Mr. S's father has emphysema, and I feel we've been on borrowed time for a while now. It is one of the hidden costs of infertility. I hope we can remedy it, and soon.

Our yard is covered in roses. The old-climbers on our fence are in full-blown bloom, weeks earlier than usual. A red profusion of loose petals(the kind that have a wide center, not a lot of petals), along with them are the roses I planted. Newer varieties, tea roses, large and showy and two of them are amazingly scented.

From the aforementioned grandfather(who raised me, with my grandmother, for 2 years) I inherited a saver's sensibility. One that is common with people raised in the Depression, or by depression era people. Normally I would leave all my roses on the branch. They live longer there. I might bring in one or two, to put by my bed. But rarely.

It has been raining on and off for a week now. Some of the roses have been de-petaled, and some look a little bedraggled. The wind is rising, tonight, and I decided to go and cut myself some roses. Outside, they make my yard cheerful. Inside they seem like an extravagance. Beautiful abundance.

I had my three-days of stims check today. Things seem to be progressing well. My lining is good, .61cm. I have 5 measureable(close to 1cm) follicles and 12 others. My estrogen is at 169. These are all things that seemed like code to me, but I've been looking things up. I get to stay on the same dosage and go back on Sunday.

In the meantime I look forward to promoting excess and abundance within myself.