Thursday, January 15, 2009

sideways attack

School started yesterday, and I must say, that though I tried not to think of the beginning of last semester(when I was pregnant) I did. I thought it when I decided to walk up 6 flights of stairs(something I normally do, but didn't while P), I thought it when I decided to go to the school cafeteria/salad bar(something P people shouldn't do), and I thought it when feeling my normal "first day of classes" nervousness, instead of last semester's "I am already having morning sickness, please let them think I am shiny b/c I am hot or nervous."

I also had an attack of sadness last week at my brother's birthday dinner. We were at a long table, and I was seated next to a woman I don't know, she was wearing a fashionably baggy sweater thingy.
You can see where this is going, but I didn't.

We had pleasant "I don't know you but we both care for N" conversation. Then, about 30 minutes in, another of their friends leans across the table and says "how are you feeling, are you nauseous?" The woman replies, says "No." (slow person me, starts to be like "huh?") then the friend says, "Wow, you're hardly showing, how far along are you?" Turns out she was 6 months, about 2 wks ahead of where I would've been. I still remained calm, while cursing the current baggy trend. But the friend started into a fired barrage of questions: "It must be awesome to be pregnant in winter, right? You must be so excited to be due in spring. Was it great to celebrate Christmas with a big belly?" etc. I managed to try and tune many of them out.
But, as these were all things I wanted to be able to answer "Yes!" to, and as I had already had a mojito, my filter was totally off, and I actually started to cry at the table(before I really knew what was happening). I squeezed my way out and ran to the bathroom. While in there, I tried to calm myself down, thinking "you don't know how she got pregnant, etc" but realized that is was really just hearing answers that I might have given, had we not miscarried, that got to me. I returned to the table, and tried to keep my puffy eyes secret. Mr. S says no one noticed. Who knows?

Most days I am much better, and the Risk quandary certainly fills my brain more than 'what could be' thought. Most days.

In IVF news, still haven't made a decision, but need to within 10 days, if we are going to get started. In the meantime, I got my protocol. They want me on 20 units of lupron before the period/lupron evaluation. Last time I was on 10(as part of the study) anyone know why they want me MORE suppressed? Lupron is yucky and gave me a migraine, before.

I am excited about the weekend, there are a rash of Inaugural parties, and though my birthday is Sunday, we're going to wait a week to do anything with friends. There is too much going on!


  1. Oh Poppy, may I call you poppy? :)

    It sneaks up on me too --the pregnancy thing. It happened just yesterday at the gym -- the woman who is behind the counter -- she was behind the counter so I didn't realize until someone said something -- and then I saw her from the side as I left... *sigh*

    I wish I had more help with the protocol -- this is my first ivf cycle so I'm in the dark -- but it looks like you and I may be heading towards the same place at the same time.

    I'll be thinking of you -- and hoping the new semester is filled with those kinds of really invigorating teaching days -- I miss the new start of a new semester...just miss it , I guess.



  2. Sorry for the sideways attack, I wish it was easier for you. I send my best to you and Mr.Seeds.

  3. I am so sorry - I can't imagine how difficult that was. Big Hugs!

    Have a wonderful weekend and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

  4. ((hugs)) I wish I could step across the country and give you a hug IRL. It's so shocking, sometimes, how it will hit you so forcefully with no warning. I wonder if it ever really gets easier.

  5. Pam- of course you can call me Poppy :). I worry I'll miss teaching, if I have to stop(for a better job).

    thanks everyone for your kind words!

  6. I'm sure no one noticed you getting upset at the table...people usually seem to be wrapped up in their own thing. I think I have cried in half the bathrooms in my town, for various pregnancy-related or mishaps.

    I'm sorry you are going through all of this, and having to make tough decisions about shared risk.

    Happy early Birthday!! I hope you have a good weekend.

  7. sorry you had to withstand all those questions being directed at someone else... that's painful.
    Lupron is indeed mega yucky.
    I haven't forgotten you, I'll email the astrological thing as soon as I can. I've been busy with guests and preparing for my trip.
    Have a wonderful birthday

  8. Just finally catching up reading....and no great words here except that I am sorry for all the "might have beens" you are facing every day. I can imagine how these unexpected barbs sneak up and catch your heart by surprise. I hope so much that those places are filled soon with hope and fulfillment of your dreams. Thinking of you and wishing you the very best for this upcoming cycle.

  9. Just catching up... It's amazing how an attack of sadness can sneak up on you. Of course you'd compare the beginning of this semester to the last - only natural (altho I'm always trying to will myself NOT to do this because it causes me angst, and then I do it again. Sigh).

    As for the pregnant woman at your bro's bday party, all I can say is UGH. That's a tough one. Really tough. Sounds like you handled it with grace and dignity. But still, couldn't we somehow be spared such things?