Friday, January 23, 2009

my own

About a week ago I had the nicest revelation while reading.

Now, most of you know that I have been feeling overwhelmed with job-searches, decision making about IVF, mourning the loss of our pregnancy, etc. It has been a tiring way to be, and I have not enjoyed being so angst-ridden.

I decided to reread Madelein.e L'Engl.e's "time series", Wrink.le in Time, etc. I was on the third book, and Meg was home, and her family was loud and chatty around her. I remembered that when I read these books as a child, I was so envious of Meg's family. Even amidst the book's turmoil, I found that household comforting. Caring, parents, many siblings, interesting conversations around the dinner table. A life that involves culture, family security, discussion of ideas, work, the larger world. Things that were ignored(mostly) in our house.

So, there I sat, over 20 yrs later, rereading a scene I used to wish to be in, and I realized that I am often in a similar scene. I realized that I am lucky enough to have been welcomed into an artistic world, I even spend time working at artist's residencies. My friends are interested in the work they do, and we have the conversations of the type I used to only read in books. Conversations that part of me wasn't convinced really happened.

My life is so much closer to how I had hoped it would be, as a lonely child who knew there was more to living.

And for the first time in a long time I felt grateful for my life.

I don't have all that I long for, but I am closer to the life I hoped to live, to lead, than the life that I could've had, the life of just surviving. Hopefully, more joy will come. The distance between the way I grew up and the way I live now is momentous, is something not measured by normal means. Through some combination of luck, love, education, and ambition... I have made that journey, tessered* my own wrinkle to this present place. I am in a community, I am not isolated.

*in the books, they discuss a way to travel between time/place by tess.ering, folding time, instead of traveling linearly(which takes much longer)


  1. I love this post! It is amazing how going back to a childhood memory or experience can make you change the way you feel today. Glad you are feeling better!

  2. Thank you for your post - I also read that series as a child and your post reminded me how far I have come since my childhood as well, I have a whole lot to be grateful for in life.

    I think I might have to pick up a new copy of that series and re-read it again, it's been a long time since I've read it too! 25 years? Oh my gosh!

    Best of luck in deciding where your IF journey will take you next.

  3. This is beautiful. Realizing that for the most part you are living the life you dreamed of. I am so glad that you are feeling grateful for your life again. Such a relief, isn't it?

  4. I'm very happy that you are feeling good. :)

    I read those books as a child, only once, but I was too young and I don't think they really sunk in. I really can't remember anything about them.

    I was re-reading part of Anne of Green Gables the other day, though, and enjoying it very much.

  5. How powerful to have that connection to a piece of literature, and one that reaches far beyond an understanding of the story. It seems you have found one way to navigate through this ivf journey - through a lens of perspective - thanks for the inspiration.

  6. I love stories like that. That there comes a time when we realize we do have lives that are similar to what we dreamed of as kids. That somehow, subconsciously, we found the people and the situations that inspired us, to now be part of who we are.

  7. Madeleine L'Engle is one of my most favorite authors - I own most of her young adult books since they are all just as beautifully written and poignant as the Time series, which I re-read about once a year. I actually met her in person once before she died - such a sweet, intelligent woman!

    Good literature really does help me deal with all of this IF crap, too.

    Oh, yeah - nice to meet you, I found your blog while poking around looking for more IF blogs to follow!