Saturday, December 6, 2008

once here

Mr. Spicy's sister went into the hospital last Friday, at risk for going into early labor. She ended up delivering 5 days later(via C-section), at just 28 weeks 1day. At this early age/stage, every day matters and the Doctors had been hoping to make it over the 28 week mark, which they just did. We had actually visited her earlier in the day, the day she delivered, and found out late that night that she had had the baby.

Though happy to have another person coming into the family, I have had conflicted feelings about her pregnancy. They did DE IVF, and she is 48. She thinks she know what IVF is like, b/c of this. And says so, often. But, any of us who have done stims and egg retrieval, know that embryo transfer and IVF are REALLY different. So, I can be grumpy. She doesn't understand why I don't want to do 6 more IVF's to get a baby(and said this to me 2 days after my miscarriage)... Regardless, I have also felt joy and thankfulness that they got pregnant their first cycle, and hopeful about their baby.

Also, I have noticed something, over the past couple of years of infertility. I can be jealous when someone is pregnant, while still being happy for them. And, I have noticed that once the baby is here, that jealousy is gone. The baby is an actuality and not an idea. Worthy of love, not envy.

Mr. S and I went to see SiL, and meet the baby, last night. We had both been feeling really worried about SiL, all of this is so risky! She was really tired, worn out, so we only came in for a quick visit and then went to meet the baby. I hadn't expected to get to see him, so young.

I had made a hat for the baby(yesterday) a tiny thing, and I made a hat for our niece(she is 9) with a matching star on it. SiL's husband was happy about the hat, and said "we're supposed to bring him things like this." He is exhausted, keeping everything together.

The baby boy is so very tiny, and he is all tubes and bones, but seems in decent shape. The craziest(to me) tube was the blood transfusion tube, which looks like a little ink-pen tube, but with a line of red. He was on a ventilator, had a mask over his eyes, and was in a fully closed incubator. I didn't touch him, b/c I had felt sick on Thursday, but Mr. S did.

We had to take turns going in, and I watched our niece for awhile. While we were waiting, another couple was waiting, too, teenagers. The girl was swearing up a storm "f-this," every other word, and it was really starting to bug me, that she was doing it with my niece right there, and with a room of NICU babies on the other side of the door. I considered saying something, but didn't want any extra-loudness. So J and I had an active conversation. She asked me lots of questions about brothers, etc. She thought the baby was her step-brother, but I explained he is her half-brother. It was sad, when she asked me if I know anyone expecting a baby. I wish I could have said, "yes, me." but of course, we hadn't told her anything, about us trying, etc.. so I kept quiet.

I don't know if the family, at large, knows how risky it is to have a baby at 28 wks, in general, there is not a lot of discussion about these things, none of them know they used d.onor, which baffles me, but the general public doesn't seem to be know so much about these things, do they?

The baby seems strong, and doing well for his age, so we are (warily) hopeful.

I have almost deleted this post a few times. I feel petty talking about my own feelings through all of this. Love, family it is all so complex. The protective, loyal part of me feels I should only say good... But, this is my blog about my journey, so I will(for now) keep these thoughts, complicated, grumpy, hopeful... here.


  1. Your feelings are so understandable, I support you for acknowledging how difficult this is for you. Take care, sending my best.

  2. I love it that you are being open with your feelings. You should be able to express them, yes! also because when we put them out in the open, the feelings we deem as not 'nice' lose their power over us. We can look at them as an object, outside, so they lose their strenght.
    This is wonderful that you have been able to feel happiness for the pregnancy of others while still being jealous. I guess this is all very natural after all. And you are right the general public knows very little about any of this.

  3. It is so natural to feel what you are feeling. I am so glad you have the courage to share it.

  4. It is so true, the mixed feelings of envy and happiness. What you are feeling is really normal, we've all felt it too. I hope the baby does well - 28 weeks is really young. Scary. But sounds like so far so good... I've met a few kids who were born even earlier and they did great. I hope your nephew comes through strong.

    That's nice that you are spending some extra time with your niece - she is really going to need to support through all this too.

  5. Now I have a new prayer concern to add to my nightly prayers. The list is intimate when it comes to fertility and babies but there is room for a new one.

  6. poppy,
    thank you for the well wishes. And you are so right about the constipation after trigger. I didn't know what was going on with me until I read your post just now. :)
    I'll go get something then.

  7. I've discovered that for me, the envy and the happiness for the baby are two separate issues.

    Of course I am envious. This beautiful creature is what I want for us.

    And of course I'm happy that someone else I care about has obtained it.

    I'm so glad that you are able to acknowledge your feelings - and don't feel guilty if you can help it!

  8. I think it is healthy to admit to the range of feelings you're having, particularly with such a complex family situation.

    I wonder if the babe needs more hats? I'll call you.

  9. thanks everyone. Some days I wish I could be just happy for everyone, but I am learning to accept that emotions(esp. with family) are rarely straightforward.