Wednesday, October 19, 2011

the person I was and the person I am

Sometimes I envy those idyllic, calm, peaceful mothers. I see them, talk to them, and listen to them as they say how much fun every age is. Even the infant stage. I always wonder, "why am I different?"
For a long while, I put it down to sleepimagining them with sleep through the nighters)and lack of sleep(with our girl, who, even now can wake around 2am, three times a week)...
But, now that we are TTC number 2(and having as much un-luck as we did with ttc #1 before major medical intervensions) I am starting to realize something.

I was in a high state of stress for years before our Acorn was born. And, having had a loss, and seeing friends(online, in person) experience late losses, I never truly relaxed. I LOVED being pregnant, but I realized, every day, how lucky I was, and how easily that luck could be lost.
No wonder I didn't enter motherhood as a calm, relaxed person.

So, here we are, about to celebrate our lovely Acorn's second birthday, and I am finally starting to relax. To fully enjoy her, and, despite still broken sleep, to feel like a bit of my old self. That energetic, hopeful person. But, I am forever changed by this journey, and will always be aware of how I longed to be this simple, complex and crazy new person. A mother.

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