Friday, January 1, 2010

Always, Never and the Hope of Soon

These days I seem to live in a state of extreme Now.

When Acorn was a couple of weeks old, and things(sleep, breastfeeding) seemed particularly difficult, friends kept saying to me, "things improve after 6 weeks, usually." And I thought, but didn't say, 'But, she will never be 6 weeks, she will always just be 10 days old.' Totally irrational, but the only way I seemed to think.

When I was in labor and the contractions were non-stop, back to back I thought, woefully, 'I will always be in labor, the baby will never come.' But, of course, she did come. I said to her, over and over, "You're here, you came, you're safe!" and was so grateful.

And, the most horrible never of them all: that feeling when I was dealing with years of Infertility: bad diagnoses, failed IUI's, failed IVF, miscarriage and no insurance coverage. Months passed, and every month was a month I wasn't pregnant, longer to wait for a child.
Friends would say, "I know you are going to have a baby, be a parent." and I would think, 'I am never going to have that. I will always be wishing for a baby. I want it more than anything, but it won't happen."
Turns out I was wrong!

My baby is now 8 weeks old. The blurry, never seemed like it could happen(time passing, her growing) did happen. Time passed, she is growing. I have recently caught myself thinking, 'soon she will be sitting up, teething, rolling over.'

Never is fading into soon.

Last year at this time Mr. S and I were so sad, and we were facing our final try with IVF. That IVF was not the stellar amazing cycle of the year before(the failed cycle), and we had fewer everything. But it turns out we were soon pregnant, and would get our little Acorn within the year. It was worth it.

Happy New Year to all of my online IF friends, and may this year bring you blessings that make your head spin, your world change and your heart smile. Always.


  1. What a difference a year makes.
    Happy New Year Poppy!!

  2. Time moves so strangely with a baby. I totally relate to the always and never of it. In the moment, it feels like this is how it will always be. And then one day you realize it's all changed, and how did that happen? Each day speeds by, but is timeless and forever in it's own right.

    Happy New Year! 2009 saw the birth of miracles. 2010 will watch them grow and see new miracles come our way. Aren't we blessed.

  3. Beautiful post - and I'm so happy for the changes in your world. It's nice to hear that you never thought it would happen for you BUT it did! Happy 2010!

  4. Whew... thank you for writing this! I needed this reminder.

  5. Goosebumpy. :)

    I sent a PM on OS re FB.