Friday, February 27, 2009


Last weekend I went to a local craft night. All women. I had been partially dreading going, as 3 of the people there had babies within months of each other, and the talk can be 'baby-centric'. Also, being a day past transfer, I knew I was apt to be emotional.

But, it went well, and 3 out of the 6 of us are (currently) child free. All married. All homeowners. A comment one of the women made set my "IF-dar" off. (I see 'IF-dar' as similar to 'gaydar' but for those of us with IF-Infertility).

She was talking about a dentist asking her if she was pregnant(or could be) after giving an x-ray, and said dentist continually saying " well, it is good you're not pregnant" and she said, to us, "Like I wanted everyone there to know that I had no fetus to mess with."

You throw the word fetus in, and I guess my IF ears perk up.

Having been dealing with TTC for 3 years, I have become more sensitive to the fact that it is likely there are some people in my- mostly-incredibly-fertile- group of friends who may not be child-free out of choice.

It is an odd thing to ponder, but I can't help it. There is no way I would ask any of these couple if they are going through IF, but I wish I could.

Does anyone else have 'IF-dar'? Do you have another name for it?


  1. Yes! I don’t have a name for it – though I usually do have labels for such things – but your name is perfect! I pick up on those little cues like a hawk. More interesting is that my husband works with the public and has a lot of regular customers, several of which he has connected the IF dots with. Here I am rooting on couples I’ve never even met through their IVF cycles! I find it fascinating that given the right connection, people WILL open up about what is going on with them when they find they have things in common with you. Not that my DH blabs all over the place about our story, but it doesn’t take too many words, as you said, for the IF-dar to kick in for someone in the same situation to get the gist of what you are going through as well.

  2. I have many times picked up just a look or a response to a simple question as something I identify with. I think always taking that infertility perspective makes us so much more empathetic.

    In reality, we must run into many other infertiles that we are not aware of. And it is so validating when you are close enough to confirm it.

    I like the name and may steal it.

  3. IF-Dar! I love it! Perfect - I look for clues all the time. You must be getting close to POAS - keep us posted!

  4. IF-Dar, what an accurate term. I have it especially w/PCOS.
    I hope you and Mr.S have a relaxing weekend.

  5. Good question...I do have that IF-dar...I call it my cringemeter. There are still a lot of things I hear that have me bracing for impact.

    (Glad to see you're in the thoughts are with you!)

  6. I love this! I do think we are all more sensitive to the struggles of others, and hopefully we can help them in some way...changing the subject, offering a kind smile, etc.

    Have a great weekend, and sending positive thoughts your way.

  7. I love the name. I don't really have one, because as soon as someone knows I'm a midwife they like to tell me about: their births; their miscarriages; and/or their troubles getting pregnant. It really is an honor for women to want to share those things with me.

    Thinking about you and luna and lulen!