Sunday, December 28, 2008

extra layer

Mr. S and I realize that all holidays seem to have an extra layer of sadness, now that we had been pregnant, and now are not. When trying to get pregnant(and failing) for 2 yrs, holidays were hard, but they were easier than this.

Maybe this extra sadness is because I had pictured myself pregnant at thanksgiving, christmas, my birthday, and knew about how far along I'd be(4 months, 5 months, almost 6), and how much I'd probably be showing. And, I am not.

All I am showing is the extra layer of fat that IVF meds, pregnancy gain and post-miscarriage depression have added to my waistline. Yuck.

There are happinesses. We have each other, we have wonderful siblings, friends, meals and laughter.

I feel like I am under glass, a cloud, a blanket. Everything seen through a screen of "what almost was." I can cry immediately, the tears are ridiculously close, a certain song, movie, commercial, even a wish will make me teary.

My aunt called me on Christmas eve. The aunt I am honest with. She said, "How is everything?" and for a minute I almost said the normal(and fake), "fine, good, etc", but because she knows all we've been through these past 4 months: long awaited pregnancy, losing the baby on Mr. S's birthday, my losing 2 jobs, etc. I said, "Not great. No job, no money, no insurance coverage, no baby."

I feel boring, always talking about the same thing.

Like so many other people who have had losses this year, I am SO ready for this year to be over. I want to look forward to things again. I want to be cheerful and optimistic, some semblance of my (used to be) normal self.


  1. I like your thoughts on starting a new year. The return of optimism and cheer will come. We will get back to our normal selves.

    I think it just must take time.

  2. Thank you for your very HONEST entry. IF is so very hard. If you haven't walked in our shoes, you have no clue the pain it brings.

    Holidays make it harder...but do surround us with a distraction of all that love us and the laughter and smiles they bring.

    I have found these blogs and some books help. As well as getting out of the house. I wish you the best as you cope and look forward to the HOPE a New Year can bring.

  3. it sure seems harder than ever...
    And the extra fat... we could totally go without that added agony, couldn't we?
    wishing you a much better year ahead, with a new job and a happier you.
    Of course, I wish the baby makes its so awaited appearance as well. But mostly, I wish you feel better no matter what comes.

  4. Sending you big huge hugs. I am sorry the holidays were so difficult. I love what you said about feeling like you are under a blanket or fog - I absolutely feel that way, especially around family for some reason.

    Thinking of you and hoping for a better 2009

  5. ((hugs)) It's strange how the holidays make any sadness so much more intense. I'm glad you have some people in your life that you can be honest with about how you feel. There were a lot of "what if's" and "if only's" this year. I'm wishing you a joyful, fertile 2009.

  6. Poppy, you are anything but boring. You are trying to wrangle a complicated and painful situation and writing beautifully about it. There is nothing worse than the "what almost was," or the "was and then was not." And the whole iconography of the winter holidays seems almost designed to rub this kind of grief in your face. Here's to 2009.

  7. wishing you much love, peace and abundance in '09. thanks for putting your heart and soul out there for us to read.
    for us, missing silas is becoming a part of our day now, its who we are, but i am giving myself room for hope in the new year. to babies abounding all around us, for all of us parents who want it so badly.
    love to you and your family.