Saturday, November 15, 2008


Normally, 25 is my favorite number. I think it came about because my 3rd grade times-table learning self loved the idea of 5 x 5 becoming 25. Anyway, it is still a good number, but when it is your slow as molasses dropping hcg, and you want it to be zero, you aren't happy to hear any number BUT zero. Ah well. Closer and closer.

I got the call on Thursday, from the sub-nurse, and she just said "Your beta is down to 25, Dr. O wants you to come in again in 2 weeks, and hopefully it will be zero." We are at 2 months, today, from our loss, and I am still dealing with it, physically. It is hard to move on, when I am bleeding again(2 1/2 weeks after what I thought was my period)...

Fall is winding down, the days end very early now, and it makes me sleepy. I am starting to appreciate the home, inside joys, the brightly painted rooms, a warm light in a corner. Long books, and magazines. Coziness. I do love the food of late fall, the hard fruits and leafy greens. Pumpkin, squash, kale, chard.

We have a little buddha near our entry-way, I put him there because he is such a peaceful presence. Two days ago I put some sunflower seeds(leftover from ones I scattered for birds) in his upturned palm. As I picked them up, I pondered how many to put. One seemed too lonely and two looked nice, but I decided to go for three. The three I hope our house will hold someday soon. 1 + 1 = 3, the magic of becoming a parent and defying mathematical rules.


  1. I am sorry that your beta is still not at zero. I can't imagine how difficult that must be.

    I love the idea of your little buddha holding three seeds at the entrance to your home. So rich with symbolism - hope and dreams in the palm of our hands...great imagery.

    Hoping your 1+1=3 before too long...

    Thanks for all your kind words!

  2. 2 months...sigh. It really sucks that it has been so long since your loss, and still things are not finally complete. It's really an insult to injury.

    I love your little buddha!