Tuesday, October 7, 2008

'come back in a week'

Well, I no longer feel like I am floating/upside down, but I can't pretend all is well, either.

We were at a wedding reception on Saturday night, and I was pretty fine, enjoying seeing friends, etc. Then I saw a man holding his wife, with his hands on her belly, and he did the same thing when they sat down. Somehow, I could handle the woman who was really showing, but the woman who didn't appear pregnant, but whose husband's actions made me guess she was just brought home to me that I had been expecting to be just past 9 weeks when I attended the wedding. Expected to have been released to my OB, and getting excited about the 2nd trimester. I got very sad, sad enough for Mr. S to look at me(as we were dancing) and say "what is wrong?"

Earlier that night, someone we hadn't seen in awhile asked Mr. S how he's been. He said "great." and I asked him later, "How can you say 'great'?" he said, "well, the rest of my life is fine." but really, he has been down as well. I realized that he said 'great' because that is what people want to hear.

Today I went in for my 3rd beta blood test to see how the hcg is dropping. I hate going in for this. Always, before, bloodwork was no fun, but at least was working towards something. Now I am working towards nothing. Literally. At 6wk5days, the day of the miscarriage, my hcg was quite high- 35,000. Eight days later it was 1250, which was a marvelous drop. But today, 2 weeks after the last draw, it is 670. They like it to get close to 0 before you start anything again.

Having to get up early to go in for b/w, sit and wait, and then have the sharp smell of alcohol, pain of the needle and even the stick of the tape, bulky under my shirt are all just one thing too many. The ironic thing is that I was not feeling too badly today, until the call about the number. I had thought this would be my last visit to do b/w. Now I don't know how many more I will have.

I think I've been waiting to have something hopeful/encouraging to write. But today, I decided I just need to write here when I want.

Some days are fine, no day is happy, I don't cry everyday anymore, but when I do cry it comes almost as a surprise, like "oh, I am crying again" and it is fierce and unexpected. I hold myself very still, when travelling between things, places, appointments, the usual errands. I have moments when I think "at least that earlier grief prepared you, some"(when I think of my grandfather's death, or some other, earlier trauma) and wonder what strengths I will gain from this. In a way, I don't want to learn anything. But, I'm experienced enough to know I will, and, in a way, to resent that. Both the knowledge of the fact, and that future wisdom.


  1. So sorry, poppy But I am so glad you have a space to write your thought here where no judgment abounds. We are here for you, urging you forward, nudging you with hope, and yearning for you to feel optimistic again.

    I think you are doing a great job, and all the emotions you are experiencing are helping you heal and work through things. I'm thinking of you.

  2. I will be here to listen and support you while you write what you feel you need to write. My experiences with loss and grief prior to my M/C showed me I was capable of healing, laughter, and hope again but that I would never be the same. My scars have marked me and I have learned to honor and respect grieving, my own and those I care for. I had to work to let go of the resentment, as it just created anger and sadness for me. I send you my sincere best wishes today to you and Mr.Seed. Sorry for the long and a$$vice filled post, it all sucks and I'm sorry.

  3. "I wonder what strengths I will gain from this. In a way, I don't want to learn anything. But, I'm experienced enough to know I will, and, in a way, to resent that."

    You couldn't have said it more perfectly. The sadness of miscarriage just seems to creap up when least expected. In some ways, it's harder for me now then when it first happened.

    I'm giving you a long-distance hug.

  4. Your comment about learning from this brought back a powerful moment I had last year. I too, feel that most every experience has a learning moment for life. I remember crying to my sister on the phone couple of months after my miscarriage and starting all the IF stuff. I screamed to her, "I don't want to learn anything-- nothing at all from this experience, I just want to get pregnant! PERIOD That is it!!" It was like time stood still. It was the first time I was so honest with my feelings and admitting how angry I was at God, at the universe, so jealous of those who were pregnant. It was a moment that I will never forget. IT felt so good to say it and admit how pissed I was. And today I still have not really reflected on what I learned from it all. I just want to forget it to be honest with you. It was just a dark sad moment of my life.