Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Lost

Thank you for all of your kind words and thoughts. I appreciate them all.

Yesterday, I foolishly decided to go to work, to teach. I thought to myself that it would be better than lying around. The actual teaching was good, I forgot things momentarily. But the travel to and from was terrible, I kept thinking sad thoughts and having to stop myself from getting emotional. On the street, on the metro, driving. On my way to class I worried about breaking down in class(that was when I knew I shouldn't have gone) and I thought 'how will I explain it?' and decided 'I'll tell them there was a death in the family yesterday.' and then I realized it. There was a death. There was a heartbeat, and then there wasn't.

I feel like I am floating. I walk outside, I cross the road, I am surprised each time my foot connects and my stride continues. I think to myself, 'at least you aren't falling down.' I don't quite believe this has happened to us. Two years and seven months of trying to get pregnant, and it is already over.

To attain this pregnancy I went through months of shots, weeks of doctor's appointments, daily monitoring. Thousands of dollars, our own and our siblings. All for nothing. I can't grasp it. Childlishly, I keep thinking 'this isn't fair' and 'this wasn't supposed to happen.'

I don't know where to go from here. Our insurance won't cover anything. We know that we can't get pregnant naturally. And, all I want is to be pregnant again.

I was only pregnant for 3 weeks(knowing, I mean) and I loved it. I felt connected to life, I felt like I was finally continuing on a path I so long to travel. Even having lost it, I am glad I was pregnant.

Now I am stuck again. We are stuck. Mr. S said, "We need to rob a bank." Truly, I don't want to go through more months of shots, etc. But I would. If only it were that easy. Decide to do it, and do it.

15 comments:

  1. Poppy, I am so sorry you have to go through this sadness and pain. Please take good care and know that I'm thinking of you all and it is a loss, a death, but hopefully not of your dreams. ((Hugs))

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  2. It is so very hard to be reminded that we only control a small part of our lives. I also spent a lot of time yesterday having "it's not fair" thoughts on your behalf. I cannot explain it, but I feel sure that you will be parents. It will happen.

    I hope to see you soon, whenever you can. ((Hugs))

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  3. Poppy - I am devastated to read your recent story. Two of my close friends just had early miscarriages with their first pregnancies. It is so common, really, but should be outlawed from happening to people who have gone through IF, it just seems so cruel. Anyhow, sending you hopeful and healing thoughts....and if you really want it, you will become a parent someday.

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  4. I'm thinking of you and listening.

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  5. So very sorry friend.

    You and your hubby are in my prayers.

    (Backspace OS)

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  6. I cry with you and for you Poppy. I am just so sad for you and DH. I wish I had the words to make you feel better, but I know you just have to feel this now. I am so sorry.

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  7. Here from Lost and Found. So sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.

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  8. I am so sorry. So, so sorry.

    Go slowly and take care of yourself.

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  9. Oh Poppy! I am so sad for you and your loss. My heart just aches for where you are at. It makes sense you would feel lost, directionless. This is just so unfair and wrong.

    Please be gentle with yourself.

    I am sending you hugs and sympathy, and hope for comfort and peace.

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  10. I'm so, so sorry Poppy. (((big hugs)))

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  11. We're thinking of you and clove and sending lots of love your way.

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  12. I've been thinking about you a lot, too. I am so, so sorry that this happened.

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  13. Assvice alert: give yourself time, before you try and make any decisions. The disconnected feeling is your mind and body's way of asking for that space, though it makes it very hard to function.

    It's so hard to face the pain and injustice of getting only a sliver of what you wanted, despite massive effort. I'm there (I'm recovering from a recent ectopic after 3 years of ttc) and I'm sending love your way.

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  14. Poppy, I know you only through your blog but it feels like have known you for a long time. I got my bfn after the second ivf this morning and although it was devastating and I can't stop going over it again and again and wondering what could have gone wrong, I have also realised that it's pointless trying to fight it. The best medicine is perhaps to just accept it and move on. It's easier said than done but trying to find the next step gives you a purpose in life. Otherwise it just seems like life has come to a standstill and you even start wondering about your own existence. But there are loads of people around you who love and need your love in return. You'll be mother one day, and so will I. I just know that. Take care.

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  15. I am so sorry you are going through this. I can relate to everything you've written so well. Especially having those few weeks of feeling connected to life -- I felt like for the 1st time in 4 years I was getting on with my life. It is so cruel that we are thrown back into the muck.

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