Thursday, September 18, 2008

I Don't Want to Talk About It

People who know me know that I am a talker. A sharer. I am pretty upfront about things, personal and not. Sometimes I wish that weren't true, but it is.

But, I realized today that I do NOT want to talk about this. Not in person, not through phone calls.

Yesterday, my sister in law called me, despite Mr. S having told her not to. She went into a long ramble about all of our options, and even committed the cardinal sin of telling me she knows just how I feel. (she got pregnant recently through IVF and lost a twin early on). I do not think she does know how I feel. Anyway, I just listened and nodded, verbally and mentally, and spaced out a bit, so I wouldn't get too upset.

And I realized that even the best conversation about this subject will look like the following.

concerned person:"poppy, I am so sorry this happened"
me: "Yeah, it sucks"
c.p.:"it is just so unfair."
me: "yeah"
c.p. "I am so sorry."
me: "thanks"

and that is the best it can be!

The worst will be people suggesting my options. Believe me, I have thought around this in 50,000 ways. It is all I think about. Or, they will say we can try again soon and I will have to educate them on male fertility and on why we aren't so lucky as to try in that way.

Anyway. I am actually feeling a bit better today. I am still sad and angry, but I am mobile. I haven't cried once. Three days of intense grieving and almost complete solitude are immensely helpful.

Still, I know my limits, and I know that sympathy will unhinge me and nothing will get me to crying more quickly than said sympathy.


  1. I may not understand your exact situation but I could have written this post today. One empathetic look from my husband or a simple ((hugs)) comment and the tears flow. Sympathy hurts. Sometimes we must go into survival mode and it is o.k. to not want to talk about it. I hope your grief continues to lessen.

  2. It sucks, it's unfair, and I'm sincerely sorry, Poppy.

  3. I wouldn't want to talk about it either. I'm glad that you have this blog to vent and talk about things on your own timeline.

  4. I remember when I went through it. It was Thanksgiving and the day is burned into my brain 17yrs later. Some people will end up saying something inappropriate or insensitive. They won't mean it but it happens.

    Just keep in mind that you have to deal with your loss in your own time and in your own way.

    I don't know if this will upset you. It is only meant to give you a glimmer of hope.
    After years of problems I have a daughter 13yrs and a unexpected son 8yrs old.

    Good luck, be well.

  5. No words, no advice...just hugs and thoughts...

  6. Yeah, people can really suck sometimes. You wouldn't believe some of the comments I got after my miscarriage - so I went into super-defensive mode and would actually be quite rude to people who either said something insensitive or just wouldn't drop it.

    I'm normally not that kind of person, but damn, did it make me feel better to shut them up.

    Not that you should or shouldn't do that. I just hope that you don't feel pressured to talk or cry or whatever it is that everyone else expects you to do. You're the only one who knows what you are going through and what's the right thing for you to do.


  7. I think most people are at odds with how to respond to another person coping with extreme tragedy. Not that it's any excuse, just unfortunate.

    I second nina x and am glad you created this blog.

  8. Yes, the rude "helpful" comments are really hard to bare, but the sympathetic ones are even worse sometimes -- as you said they totally unhinge you.

    I am glad you are getting some alone time.

  9. thank you for sharing this. i am glad you are feeling a bit better.

    never feel guilty for cutting someone off if they're saying/asking something you don't want to hear. you are dealing (and have dealt) with more than many people could handle.

  10. This is your situation to deal with in the best way for YOU. Period.

    We're here for you though, listening and still supporting you.