Monday, August 18, 2008

"Are you sure you're not...?"

There are questions that we all face in different times of our life, that we dread. Things we wish could be closed topics. I remember graduating from college and wanting to make a t-shirt that said, "I don't know what I am doing after graduation." and maybe in small print, "a job would be nice."

Then there is the mid-twenties, approaching thirties "Do you ever want to get married?"
If you are married and buy a house, the questions switch to the obvious, "Are you going to have kids?"

It is interesting that the marriage question is a "do you want to?" which seems to allow for the fact that you need to meet someone, etc. to achieve wedded-ness.

But once you have met someone the want/intention is assumed to be all you need to achieve parent-ness.

I have a simple answer, for most people to the kids question: "we hope to"

This summer, I've had a few more pointed questions thrown my way. A couple are recorded below.

On Saturday, at our neighborhood pool, a new friend said to me, "Are you pregnant? You've been looking tired lately."
inwardly, great, thanks, outwardly , "No, I'm not pregnant."
Her: "Are you sure?"
Me: "Yes, I am sure."
Her: "But you could be and not know it."
Me: "Trust me, I'm not."

Tired comment aside, she is a kind, progressive person. So I decided to tell her we're doing an embryo transfer on Tuesday. She and our other friend got very excited.
"So next summer you could be sitting here with a new baby!"
Me, inwardly yeah, right, outwardly: "I guess so."

A month ago, on walking into my house, my Dad: "I keep thinking of you as pregnant."
Me: "Well, I'm not."

On the phone two days ago, he asks me, "Do you have anything to tell me?"
Me: "No."

Sometimes these little conversations make you see how you are feeling/thinking. Talking with them made me realize how much I am expecting this FET to fail. It made me sad. That hope sproutling I had in April seems to have gone into hibernation. It is my least favorite part of IF, the change in outlook. I have had other people ask similar questions, telling me I could be pregnant and not know it. It makes me laugh, in a bitter way.

Nevertheless, I got the call scheduling my transfer. Tuesday at 3:45pm. I got a little stomach-flip of excitement. I guess some deep down part of me is sunning that hope seedling.


  1. I am glad the stomach flip of excitement is still there. I will be thinking about you tomorrow.

    Let those feelings of hope seep back in because soon you may in fact be pregnant and just not know it yet!

    Good luck!

  2. I send my best prayers, wishes, and hope for your little seedling to sprout and Thrive.

  3. Oh, I've so been there. :(

    Lately whenever I've thought of you and the Mister, I've envisioned you pregnant. This is what I see for you, and I just keep thinking of you with a nice happy pregnant belly. I'm all about positive visions.

  4. I'll be thinking of you and your little embies tomorrow -- hoping for a smooth, successful thaw-out.

    Maybe you can trade the feeling of inevitable failure with a feeling of indifference? Not positive or negative, but just accepting. I am never good at that, but I have heard again and again that that feeling of detached indifference is what helped others get through it all. I think husbands are better at that, which is one reason they cope better with IF.

    And I hate those comments. I get them nearly every day, usually from people I have no interest in sharing with. Isn't it great to look tired, bloated and otherwise "pregnant" to the masses.

  5. Sun it and water it. We have to have hope, my dear! Hope away and I'll hope for you too!

  6. I've been there with the hopelessness. When I get scared that something will happen to the baby, I think about that hopelessness and how I never ever ever want to feel that way again. It makes me sad and tired and I have to make myself stop. I'll be thinking about you and S tomorrow.

  7. There always has to be hope, but I know one thing that they told us at our IVF meeting really stuck with me. Your positive or negative thinking will have no impact on what happens in your cycle. So don't worry. It reminded us that not all of us can be positive month after month and continue being disappointed.

    Oh, and I hate the questions too.

  8. hey there! thanks for stopping by my blog!

    did the repair make a difference in Mr. S's counts?

    our urologist said IVF/icsi will always be our best shot, but the surgery should help a little. right now our chance of spontaneous pregnancy hovers around 0% - go us!

    GL tomorrow! I will be thinking of you!!!!

  9. It's so hard to hope, but it sounds like it may bubble to the surface at some point. HOpe this FET is it for you.

  10. ay... i remember that feeling, when hope kind of dropped away and i was bitter and jaded and just not the version of myself i wanted to be. everyone kept giving me that book The Secret and telling me to be positive and i was like, man... i'm f-ing tired of being positive!!!!!

    i'm sending you lots and lots of love today.

  11. thanks for sharing what you've been experiencing, i enjoyed the comments as well as this post. sending my best prayers and wishes.

  12. Thinking about you today, Poppy and being positive for you. Think of all your cheerleaders out here waiting to share our congrats in a couple weeks!

    Good luck!

  13. thanks so much everyone! I really appreciate it!

  14. I hope everything went well today and that you're just about to prove yourself wrong.

  15. Thanks for answering my questions!

    I hope everything went well today!

    Oh - where in MD? We are in Anne Arundel County - Severna Park.

    Thinking of you!

  16. Thinking of you...hope the transfer went well and your embryos are nestling into their new home. Best wishes!