Friday, January 30, 2009

Vacillating between Openness and Privacy

I have been really conflicted about writing about my second IVF cycle. On one hand, I am totally into being open about all of this. I feel like infertility is still some thing that people think should be kept quiet, like it is shameful. Like someone shouldn't admit they want something so much. I also want to continue to add to the online discourse around treatment, ivf, infertility. But, on the other hand, the lack of privacy, the lack of the ability to choose when to share news or no news, can feel constrictive.

If we had gotten pregnant 3 yrs ago, when first trying, chances are I'd have wanted to tell everyone right away, but would have waited a bit, at least for an ultrasound or two. That is the way it usually is done, most of my friends wait until 11 or 12 weeks. But, with my IVF, everyone knew it hadn't worked, and treated me kindly, wonderfully so, perhaps one or two acted a bit too carefully(such as hiding new of other's pregnancies from me). But that, too, is from kindness. Then, when we did get our positive test, anyone who read this journal knew about it. That was mostly wonderful. As the saying goes "Shared joy is double joy."

Now, looking forward in time, to that hoped for positive, or dreaded negative, I am not sure if I want everyone that I know, in real life, to know right away. I will either be elated, but totally freaked(worrying about miscarriage) or depressed and hermit-ish.

Originally, I started this blog to chronicle my own experiences, to add to the voices that have helped me so much. Along the way, I have found many online friends, most of whom are going through similar treatments, disappointment, ups and downs. I have also appreciated my IRL friends cheering me along the way.

I seem to have this desire for some kind of re-instated(at least temporary) privacy.

I am not quite sure how to go forward with all of this, this journaling of my experience, while feeling a desire for some kind of (in person)anonymity.

How would you do it, how have you? Those of you who see me regularly, how would you feel about not reading here for awhile, in a while? Do you have another suggestion?


  1. could go private/invite only for awhile. or you could write them to get your feelings out but not publish till you're ready...
    i understand feeling conflicted. don't worry about us - we'll be here. you do what you need to for you and hubby!

  2. Your privacy is always to be respected and I support you for taking care of yourself. Please do whatever will bring you peace of mind and relieve stress.

  3. I'm happy to do whatever you'd like and understand where you're coming from about the privacy/sharing. Just email me and let me know what you'd like to do. Hugs!

  4. I totally get the privacy issue. I would be completely supportive of your decision to lay low or even start another blog that is invite-only for those you feel comfortable with knowing the details. This is all tremendously personal, emotionally-charged stuff. You should be able to share with only those you want to, and I wouldn't be offended at all if you closed off your blog to us IRL friends. This level of control is another sign of empowerment, which I think is WONDERFUL!!!

  5. I agree with everyone else and would totally understand. I've already talked to DH about coming to an agreement for us not to tell anyone (except for one close couple we know locally going through IF too) at least until we get into trimester #2.

    I don't think any of my "non-online" friends know about my blog so that makes it easier but I almost dread having to tell people for the fear that something goes wrong again.

    Do what you feel comfortable with, you deserve your privacy!

  6. I completely understand your thought process. I think I would continue to write entries to chronicle my journey (just in case it were successful, I would want it documented for my own memory to remember all the lovely details that led to my dreams finally coming true), but just not publish it for everyone to see until I was ready. Do what is best for you. We will all still continue to support you and cheer you on whether you share nothing for a while, share a little, or share everything. :)

  7. Same here. I totally respect your need for privacy. We'll be thinking of you.

  8. I understand, I took a hiatus from blogging (I also didn't tell anyone IRL either) for my FET and it was just how I felt at the time. It was what I needed. My one regret is that I didn't write much down other than a few numbers and dates - none of my reflections or thoughts. You seem to be a natural writer, I agree with the suggestion of writing, only posting if and when you decide. My mom always says there is something powerful about good ol' fashioned pen to paper journaling/writing.

  9. The debate between being open and private is very difficult. I always opted for private, and only told our immediate family about our IVF (under threat of disownment if they started telling others). I also kept it from most of my IRL friends, only telling them months later. We want to share your journey with you, its ups and downs, but in the end you need to do what feels best to you - we can cheer you on from afar.

  10. You could password protect the entry that you announce the test results, only distribute the password to those with IVF's blogs etc?

    Or, you could just not share until you feel like it!