Friday, October 31, 2008

the edge

This entry is a bit boring, sorry...

I went to my regular OB Gyn on Tuesday afternoon. He hadn't known about me being pregnant, or the miscarriage. (I had been 3 days from being 'released' to him when I miscarried, and it was all too depressing to have to call and give both sets of news) so anyway, he was worried that I had been spotting for 6 weeks, so had me do an ultrasound, and, no big surprise(as my beta was at 400 last week) the u/s lady found a tiny bit of tissue. He had me do bloodwork, and then we met in his office. He said he felt it would probably be best to do a D&C, if the beta hadn't gone down much.

So, I left there and went home, exhausted. I am so tired of dealing with this. I also know, in my gut, that I'd rather not have a D&C, but that I also want to move on. I told him I'd need to talk to my RE.

She called me yesterday, and I told her my new beta number (200, a bigger drop than it has done in awhile) and she said she really hopes I won't need a D&C. She is worried about scarring, and future ivf/pregnancy. She said "If you hadn't passed most of the tissue, this would be what you need, but I think you should wait." She suggested I do more b/w in 2 weeks, and that if my beta isn't down, close to zero, they do a saline sonogram, and then if there is still tissue, a smaller, more focused removal, not a full scrape. That sounds better to me, so that is the plan.

The good news is that I am bleeding for real now, period-style. I am hoping that the last of it will go with it.

Ironically, there have been a lot of postings for blood-drives at school(one every week) with 'urgent need' posted. I kept almost going in, and having to remind myself that I can't spare any blood right now.

Now that I am passing the amount of weeks I was pregnant(as in it has been almost 7 weeks since we lost it and I was almost 7 weeks) I can feel myself getting more me-like. But, like a break-up that you mourn, I can't help feel wistful for the almost was, for my belly that should be burgeoning. Happily, I no longer feel the beautiful sunny days are indecent or cruel, and the bright leaves are starting to seem lovely, which is nice.


  1. It sounds like you and your RE have a good plan. I'm glad you are finding yourself "more me like". Take care, thinking of you and Mr.S, sending my best.

  2. I know the feeling of being able to notice beauty again. You are healing. I am glad you may be escaping the D&C although the bleeding must be painful and I feel for you in so many ways. This will be over soon.

  3. It does sound like your RE has a good plan. :) Meanwhile, sending you lots of good thoughts and energy that the last of it will really come down now with your blood. It's interesting that perhaps your body was still holding on to something... maybe now that you are able to see beauty again, your whole self is ready to let go, be wholly done with it. With the healing, you can then move on to a new space in yourself, a space where something new can happen.

  4. I'm glad you are talking to your OB and your RE - 6 weeks of spotting is a long time. I like your RE's plan, as well as her concern about not scarring your uterus. But be cautious about infection - check your temp and be sure to call your doc if you have pain or a bad odor. I'm rooting for you Poppy!

  5. The leaves are changing color. I'm glad you are noticing. You are a brave woman, and I admire you.