forcing seeds

Wrapping Presents and other small joys

2011-12-29T09:50:00.001-08:00

"I'm wrapping presents!" thus said Acorn this week, after helping(at different times) her Uncle, Daddy, and myself, with wrapping. I found her using tiny scraps of paper and wrapping them around toys.
I love that she enjoys all of the holiday hoopla(especially lights on houses at night), but isn't aware of the material-side of things.
She was very excited with each gift she received. Her favorite is probably this Plan toys garden set for a doll house. She loves that it has a shovel and veggies.
When she opened a book from her grandmother(one we asked her to get her, as it was her favorite from the library) she yelled, "To Market To Market" and then, "read it, read it now, Mama."
Yes, the polite please was lacking, but I couldn't help but be thrilled that in the major present excess and wrapping paper detritus of Christmas morning at Grandma's, the book excited her that much.

We try and go for a small walk each day, we sometimes can't make it before the sun sets, but it is nice to have these quiet times together. We see birds, the new sliver of a moon, the ducks bobbing in the river, cats running, christmas lights, neighbors.

Two

2011-11-20T06:45:00.000-08:00

My dearest darling Acorn turned 2 two weeks ago. Wow.
She is precociously verbal. Tells stories, sings songs, plays independently (for short bursts of time), is fiercely attached to me and her daddy. She loves books, playing with friends, tickling and her bunny rabbit and pooh bear.
She defines almost everything she sees in terms of "Mama, Baby, Daddy" ie: that is the mama rock, that one the baby, etc.
At times it is a weighty thing to be such a primal influence over someone's life. I must watch what I say and do.
example: someone cut me off while I was driving, I said, "crap." Acorn said, "CRAP!" and then, to her Daddy(riding in back with her) "crap Daddy, crap Daddy!"
But, I am enjoying this journey we are on together.

the person I was and the person I am

2011-10-19T17:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I envy those idyllic, calm, peaceful mothers. I see them, talk to them, and listen to them as they say how much fun every age is. Even the infant stage. I always wonder, "why am I different?"
For a long while, I put it down to sleepimagining them with sleep through the nighters)and lack of sleep(with our girl, who, even now can wake around 2am, three times a week)...
But, now that we are TTC number 2(and having as much un-luck as we did with ttc #1 before major medical intervensions) I am starting to realize something.

I was in a high state of stress for years before our Acorn was born. And, having had a loss, and seeing friends(online, in person) experience late losses, I never truly relaxed. I LOVED being pregnant, but I realized, every day, how lucky I was, and how easily that luck could be lost.
No wonder I didn't enter motherhood as a calm, relaxed person.

So, here we are, about to celebrate our lovely Acorn's second birthday, and I am finally starting to relax. To fully enjoy her, and, despite still broken sleep, to feel like a bit of my old self. That energetic, hopeful person. But, I am forever changed by this journey, and will always be aware of how I longed to be this simple, complex and crazy new person. A mother.

October 15th

2011-10-16T06:39:00.000-07:00

I was too busy to get myself on here, yesterday, but did spend time thinking of October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I appreciate all who speak out and acknowledge their own losses and struggles.

Love and peace to you all.
And, hope!!!

confirmed

2011-07-21T11:42:00.001-07:00

Well, just to check, we got DH a s.emen anal.ysis. It is confirmed that things are just as bad as before. Ah well.
I waver on the line of 'no more babies sounds fine' and 'but Acorn should have a sibling.'
I don't want to do IVF again. That said, I realized that if we had insurance I would give it one go. So, I guess I'd be willing, but only once.

We are in the crazy heat of a heat wave. HOT. Even our pool, usually a beacon of coolness and relief, is lukewarm. Still, we had dinner there last night. Acorn gets daily more daring, splashing in the pool, climbing on toys(following the big kids).

Even with our a/c on(window unit) my hands are sticky as I type.

another month the quixotic secondary infertility post

2011-06-30T13:02:00.000-07:00

Mr. S and I agree we'd love to have another ch.ild, and we admit a lot of our desire is because we love the idea of Acorn having a sibling. Also, I love the idea of getting to know another person, and of the added love in our household such a being would bring.

It is interesting dealing with the continual arrival of my per.iod since we started *trying* in January. It just barely bothers me. Nothing like the years of getting it before we had Acorn. I do have a twinge of sadness, and I am aware we may not get another child. But, I am a parent! Acorn is a daily joy.

And I say *trying* because we know how unlikely it would be for us to get a baby without extreme medical intervention. What bothers me more is knowing how much work we need to do(and money we'd have to spend, money we truly don't have) to make any dream an actuality. At the pool, a seeming symbol of this area's high fertility, I have had to try and shrug away envious feelings, seeing kids spaced apart just as we'd like to have one.

When people ask us(which is often) about another child, I just say it would be nice. I am so tired of people telling me it will be easy for us. I want to hand them a textbook on Mal.e Fact.or Inf.ertility and just say, "Oh, so MY having a baby will change HIS body?" People are obl.ivious, and if they thing me hearing about others ease at 2nd child conceiving they are dead wrong.

Phew, I guess it does bug me a bit.

But, I remember the tears, the anguish and the wonder over whether I'd ever be a parent, and this pain(envy?) is so momentary compared to that.

18 months and finances(not really wholly related)

2011-05-05T09:32:00.000-07:00

Since our little Acorn was born, I have been working very part-time. Overall, I love it, as I get out of the house 2x a week and get to talk to adults and pee when I want to, even for just a couple of hours. Plus, b/c of working pt, I get lots of time to watch Acorn develop and grow. Sometimes people ask me how I managed to get my job to let me work pt and I laugh, as there were major budget cuts right before Acorn was born, and I wasn't given any choice. For about 6 months now I've known I'd like to work a tad more(for money, for 'time to myself').. But, it isn't so easy to find more part-time work(or even good ft work) in my field. And, I have student loans on major deferral which need to be paid. With that in mind, I've been applying for FT jobs(some in my old field, more marketable) for about 6 months(only 1-2 a month, nothing crazy) and I keep getting to the 2nd round and then not making it further, or having the job disappear b/c of budget cuts. Argh!

There are days I feel like a failure, for being unable to find work, it can be unbelievably disheartening. I also get angry with myself for taking loans out to study such an unprofitable(financially) discipline.

Today I had a talk with a fellow mom that gave me some perspective. Without going into great detail about her own life, she is facing the end of her marriage and the end of her savings, and is on state health care. Trying to find a way to work and stay with her son.

My debt is no small thing, but it made me grateful for what I do have, a loving husband, health insurance(crappy high deductible, but there(, pt work and time with my Acorn.

And, she is 18 months old today and I feel so lucky to be a parent to this smart, fiesty, dancing girl. I am trying to maintain perspective and hold hope that there will be good work for me, paid work, soon, and that, in the meantime, I have this unpaid and highly rewarding work, during this fleeting toddler time.

... is good

2011-04-21T07:14:00.000-07:00

Acorn is almost one and a half. She is at an amazing age and I am feeling more thankful, every day, that I get to have this person in my life.
Her newest thing to say is... phrases! She likes to talk about things to eat/drink and say they are good. "ahder(water) is good"... "oatmee is good" etc. I love it. Yesterday, we went to my brother's new house and had dinner with him and his wife on their porch, delivery sushi, and Acorn loved the seaweed salad, saying "seawee is good". She also will tell us where someone is: Nana is downstairs, Acorn outside(when she wants to go). etc.
I've been told by many people that kids start to accept less foods as they get close to 2, so we are trying to introduce her to many flavors, now. She may not eat a lot of each thing, but will taste. In the past week she has had: bean and cheese pupusas with cabbage 'sauce', sushi rice, tempura sweet potato, spiced ham, maple turkey, scrambled eggs, yogurt with peaches and cardamom, steamed artichoke with garlic butter, peanut stew with greens.

comparisons

2011-03-27T11:30:00.001-07:00

Before we had our own little one, I heard and read many pieces of advice that said, "never compare your child to another."
Easier said than done!
Usually, I just notice what Acorn has not done: slept through the night more than 1x a month; crawled later than Z, walked later than C, etc. I didn't complain about these(except the sleep thing, which I still would love to be different.)

Why do we want to be perfect? Especially knowing perfection(perceived/presented) can be so alienating?

Our little Acorn is a talker, she talks, at 16.5 months, more than many 2 year olds we know. As a highly verbal person, myself, I relish the way she talks, and love it, usually, in a 'how cool is this?' kind of way, not a 'look what my daughter does that yours doesn't' way.
But, recently, a Mom-friend mentioned how little her son talks, and I(I confess, I'd had a beer) told her a story about how impressed the Dr. was when she heard Acorn talking. I then said, "But she still wakes 1-2 times a night, even after we've done sleep training, and she is ambiguous about eating much." I concluded by saying. "I think kids excel at some things and lag in others." I meant to be encouraging, but I doubt she heard that.

Afterwards, I felt awful. I know that when friends tell me how great their kids sleep I don't feel happy for them(I should) I just feel jealous. So, why would I say how well my child is doing in an area her child is not?

I talked with another friend about it, and she said, "I try not to say how well my kids do in things, in general, except to really close friends."
I am going to try and get a little more quiet about these things, when out at our frequent playgroups, etc.
Because, we all say we understand kids do things at different times, but we can't help but notice the goods and the bads, and blame ourselves, sometimes.

What have you said that you wished you didn't, or heard that you wish you hadn't? How do you stay positive?

b'ack sheep and abc's

2011-03-15T09:56:00.000-07:00

For a couple of weeks now, Acorn has been singing softly and often. Almost under her breath. My Mom and I couldn't tell what she was singing, at first, nor could Mr. S. Then, last week, I realized it was the abc song. The key= llemonlp. Which is her approximation of L-M-N-O-P. It is adorable. She will ask for Baa Baa Black Sheep by saying, 'B'ack sheep' and Itsy Bitsy by twisting her fingers and putting her hands over her head. Lovely.
There are days when being a 75% stay at home mom exhausts me, then there are moments where I catch her singing, or we roll and laugh and it is the best thing I can imagine doing.

moon and stars

2011-02-16T16:42:00.000-08:00

I love the moon. I love the moon so much that I have one tat.too and it is of the moon. I used to watch the moon from the backseat of my grandparents car(when I lived with them instead of my parents for over a year) and imagine it following me and keeping watch over me. It seemed very constant. And now, I know that constancy and presence was very important for a young girl who wondered why she wasn't living with either of her parents.

Acorn has discovered the moon and says, "moooon" when she sees it, day or night. She is always right. She does not say it for streetlights, even when they are right beside the moon, and even in the phase when the moon has a slightly streetlight-ish shape. For the stars, she says, 'dtars' I can't approximate it any better than that.
Sometimes she says, "Moon, dtars, moon, moon, mama mama, MAMA."

I love it.

funny girl

2011-02-12T17:39:00.000-08:00

Through the years of dealing with Infert.ility, when imagining myself with a child, I rarely saw myself beyond this stage, beyond a baby. I envisioned a baby, wistfully, an infant. I wouldn't even let myself think of a child, it was too much, especially as I longed more and more and for longer and longer.

And suddenly, my baby, my girl is becoming a child. And, she is a funny one. She has a clear sense of humor and finds many things hilarious. One of the new ones: sneaking up on Mama and attacking my back. She loves this. We roar and growl at each other and roll around the bed at least once a day. She is more and more fun, and though she can still let out cries of frustration and aggravation, they seem to happen less often.

And, her language acquisition is a bit crazy. She tries to mimic about every 5th word I say. She gains 1-2 words a day, it is rather fun. Today she said, "oat-meeeel" for her favorite breakfast.

Acorn in the snow(15 months old):

the last day of January

2011-01-31T08:06:00.000-08:00

another white sky
and blue seems a dream I had months ago
a hint of sky, yesterday
of blue beyond cloud

a flash of sunshine the other day startled me
I wanted to run out of the house
and hold my face to the sun
but there were clothes to put on
a baby to feed
and the clouds moved faster than I did

It is the final day of the River of Stones project. I came late to it, and didn't quite manage one every day. But, I tried, and I am learning that that is often enough, in this busy life of mother, wife, teacher.

days of snow

2011-01-28T09:30:00.000-08:00

It used to be I walked miles
after the first snowfall.
Now, I tie the baby
to my chest and walk four blocks. Every
dark glisten of pavement seems sinister.
One bad fall, last winter,
my mother-self cannot forget. Limbs creak
overhead. Beautiful, dangerous.
Snow falls magical and unexplainable, all
I can say to her pointed queries is, "Snow, snow."
My new view of the world.

growing community

2011-01-26T12:58:00.000-08:00

the rain turns to snow and thunder claps overhead
a baby is on its way, to one of my dearest friends
and I imagine them warm, awaiting this new joy
into all of our lives

mother and

2011-01-24T17:48:00.000-08:00

Portrait

Last night, n.ursing Acorn in a chair, the way her body settled against mine, limbs loose and so newly long, how the act of n.ursing untangles her and she sinks, swiftly, into the pure act of feeding, how she sinks, swiftly, her body curved to mine.

I was reminded, quite clearly, of the images I grew up with, of the many madonna and child paintings, of the many renaissance portraits of a baby and mother, nursing, or just together, the mother holding the child. And here I am, understanding those portraits with my bones and flesh; the abandon of the fallen asleep child. The possesiveness of the awake and looking at the world child, one hand on the mother, one hand up and reaching out. A new understanding of something I grew up with, this image, and my sudden belonging.

the last note

2011-01-23T10:14:00.000-08:00

Going through a box of old papers from 10 years ago, my grandfather's last note to me. Scratchy handwriting, his brain was already riddled, though none of us knew it yet. Blessings, hopes and love from he who first was so steady for me.

a taste of summer

2011-01-21T11:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Acorn left cheerios next to the cat, putting one down each time she passed the cat curled in her new cushion.
Today, with her first taste of peach since summer(hello canned peaches) the baby goes to the cat and offers her a taste. Forcefully. She wants to make sure the cat knows what she is missing. My daughter continues to do her circle around our house, the yellow peach clasped tight in her hand, juice almost dripping to the floor.

river stone 4

2011-01-20T09:57:00.000-08:00

fingers, winter dry
catch laundry, the smooth sheet
the cleansed shirts

the day is cold but bright
we hang sheets to catch sun
my daughter laughing
at the cloth over her head

how each thing steams
how we catch ourselves
watching our breath
how the inside becomes outside

River Stone 3

2011-01-19T15:42:00.000-08:00

As I was getting out of my car this afternoon at a local shopping center, I heard some teenagers joking around, being loud and a bit obnoxious, as they walked towards me. I hadn't looked at them, but heard them. My immediate thought was that they wouldn't bother me if they saw I had a baby. I pulled her out of the car and turned around. One of them yelled out, "Hey, wait!" and ran over. Acorn's shoe had dropped. He picked it up before I had a chance to lean down. I said, "thank you" and said, "Acorn, say 'Hi!'" She did. He said, "that just made my day."
It is so lovely, sometimes, to be wrong.

birthday

2011-01-18T16:28:00.000-08:00

Last night, Mr. S and I listened to the icy snow rain falling all around our house, making a beautiful noise. I awoke to myself one year older, and the baby walking in the room saying, "hi!" Mr. S let me sleep in an extra 45 minutes, which helped take the edge off of the three wake-ups we had last night.
In the car, I told Acorn we were going to take her to Grandma's so Mr. S and I could have lunch and celebrate my birthday. She said, "Happy!" and I got a bit teary, as I've been teaching her to say "happy" for her grandparents and uncle, all of whose birthdays started January. The leap she made today astounded me.
It is, indeed, a Happy Day.

the fir just outside our driveway, taken with my new camera this afternoon

dancing

2011-01-17T09:56:00.000-08:00

Acorn learned a new word a week ago, 'dancing'. At 14 months, she pronounces it, 'dan- scene'. She points to a photo of Mr. S and I from our wedding, whenever we pass it on the stairs, and says, 'dancing.' Quite proud. She holds her fairy doll up so her feet sway and says, 'dancing.'
Dancing has been one of her favorite activities(to do, to watch) for months, and her mastery of this word, and joy in that mastery is precious.
(this is my first post participating in a lovely project called 'river of stones' river )

Wishes for 2011

2011-01-02T10:53:00.000-08:00

I started the year off sleeping. We had gone to a family friendly New Year's Eve party, but I was in bed by 11. Sounds like a good way to begin 2011, to me!
Of course, someone in the neighborhood decided to set off real fireworks at midnight, so I also started the New Year waking. Oh well.
I also started the New Year (New Year's Day) off having pancakes with Acorn and Mr. S, working on a poem, going on a hike in a nearby state park(eating some hoppin' john in the car before the hike), watching Acorn run down the path and get enamored with leaves, shopping, having greek food, and, today, having brunch with a great bunch of friends.

These are the things I want from the year:
more sleep, food with those I love, poetry, friends, nature. My baby growing, learning, thriving.
I would also like more financial security(ie more work), and a sibling for Acorn. We are trying to be realistic about the latter. We know we are lucky to have Acorn, and to be parents. But, we are greedy (esp. me) and want someone for her and for us. Mr. S is convinced it is an unlikelihood, but I will dream for awhile.

I haven't really made resolutions. I am wishing on 2011 like it is a birthday cake.

I hope you all are having a wonderful start to your year.

the thankfulness post

2010-11-27T07:21:00.000-08:00

Wow, Thanksgiving was a very notable milestone for me this year. This is probably because it is the first holiday we celebrated after Acorn's birth last year. And, last year I had a double infection on Thanksgiving, a wake every 2 hours baby, and other newborn woes. This year, I have a talking, walking(running), dancing roaring baby. And, I actually enjoy n.ursing. Last year, at this time, I actually cringed when I knew the baby was hungry.
the walker, last week:

Even with all of that, I was thankful last year. So, imagine how I feel this year. So happy, grateful, lucky.
And, I fully and truly appreciate the need for community, for other hands, when one has a baby. And how.
Acorn is very happy when she has many people to walk to, to look at, to interact with. She definitely needs 'alone time'(read:with Mama or Daddy) and quiet, occasionally, but only to recharge.

During Thanksgiving dinner(after she'd made an obligatory swipe at eating a bit) she kept walking from the living room to the dining room at the J-family house, and kept laughing and clapping to see all of us at the dining table.
And, we had my brother and new sister-in-law at the table. The family grows. Lovely.

the flowergirl

2010-10-18T10:43:00.001-07:00

One. First plane ride has been taken! We flew to Austin for my brother's wedding. Acorn did so much better than we could have expected. Yay n.ursing! Her main complaint was the lack of space to move around.
Two. First wedding, and first time as a flower girl. Note to others: if you and your child are both in a wedding party, try and get ready earlier than usual. We just squeaked in. Here she is in all of her adorableness:

Three: we stayed in three separate places over 5 days, and Acorn had fun in each one. She loved exploring her new surroundings. She especially loved using dresser knobs to pull herself up. And, she loved all of the carpeting. There are days I wish we had wall to wall. We can't even put rugs down, due to our overly pee-ful cat.
Four: she slept terribly, so did we. Who knows if it is b/c she was just getting over an ear infection, or the new spaces. She woke every 2 hours. Yikes.
Five: in the daytime she was so cheerful that we feel more confident that Acorn really just needs us around and she will be happy in new spaces, even meeting dozens of people every day.
Six: we are so happy to be home, and the cleanliness of the B&B's and hotels that we stayed in has inspired us to clean. We spent two days cleaning and our house is so much better.

10. 5 months

2010-09-20T12:20:00.001-07:00

I had planned a lovely, memory filled look back at Ms. Acorn, on the occasion of achieving 9 month status, and how she was embarking on her 'longer on the outside than the inside'-life. But, life, busy-chaotic, full of plans, etc. intervened, and I composed in my head, but never here.
And now, she is almost 10.5 months. Zowee.
It does seem that many of us, here in bloglandia, remark upon a constant sense of disbelief at our baby aging. But, it does feel remarkable, daily. It is the most pedestrian thing: children grow, babies become toddler, etc. But, when you have seen other people's children grow, all while waiting for your own, when those babies, born after yours would've been if you'd conceived quickly, start walking, talking, swimming, etc., you feel yourself in a state of stuck-ness. Of how static YOU are. Then, suddenly, I became unstuck(thankfully, gratefully).. And so, I am one of the "I can't believe she is..."
But she is!
She is crawling, saying more 'words' pulling herself up and letting go, slowly lowering. She has a more and more clear sense of humor, of what she likes and doesn't like.
Here she is, one month ago, during our beach trip: She is roaring....

She loves: babies, children, animals(esp. our cats), me, her Dad, crawling, clapping, peek-a-boo, peaches, certain books, chewing on goggles, paper, cold water(drunk from a cup), dancing, singing(us), live music, ribbon, roaring.
She dislikes: new people poking her in the belly/face, or grabbing her hands, bottles, napping, when I eat cabbage, loud noises, wind-up-toys, the waves on the beach.
Her first birthday fast approaches. I will leave that for another day.

Acorn in the Apple

2010-08-02T08:37:00.000-07:00

Acorn went on her first train trip(accompanied by us, of course) up to the Big Apple. Here she is on the train, entertaining herself with my empty perri.er bottle:

But really, we went to Brooklyn, where I lived for four years. It was so interesting going to a place that formed a very specific part of my life, with my baby, who is so central to my current life. And, to the place I lived when I met Mr. S.
We visited friends, walked a lot, ate at some good restaurants and walked some more. I miss walking so much, I admit. Acorn did well. We alternated her in the stroller and the b.eco. Here we are at a museum:

She laughed a lot, stared at my friends, then chattered. Her new way with people and/or new places is to stare quietly and then start chattering away. People meet her and say, "she is the mellowest, quiet baby!" and we laugh, as she is actually quite loud. But, she likes to observe people for a bit.
The sleep training helped a lot, she is down to 1-2 wakes a night, and we are much better, though I dream of full nights of sleep. Someday...

the sleepy and the restless

2010-07-10T14:55:00.000-07:00

As some of you know, Acorn has been on a no-sleep rampage ever since she was sick a couple of weeks ago. Waking every 1-3 hours, screaming. I kept thinking/hoping it would stop the next night(when the tooth came in, when we put her to bed early enough, etc) but it didn't. I was so exhausted, this Wednesday, that I spent the whole day on the verge of tears, and I was DONE.
Two nights earlier, during the 3rd wake-up within 5 hours, in the bleary 3am time slot, Edward Olmos as Cmmdr. Adama(Battlestar Galactica)'s voice came to me, his constant words, "This ends NOW." echoing in my head.

On Wednesday night, Mr. S took the first shift(after I realized there was no way she actully *needed* food at 11/12 or 1). I went into the other room and slept with earplugs, and we agreed he wouldn't get me until 230. She was awake from 11-130, with him. He said he almost wavered, but realized how many nights I have had the screaming beast, so he kept with it. I woke at 230, went in, and found her on the bed with him, with a pillow fort all around.

The next night we implemented 'sleep training' where we did the whole minimal crying thing, allowing her 3 minutes of alone crying before one of us would go in and verbally comfort her, or touch her, but not pick her up, or nurse her. She used to go down at night easily, sleepy, but awake, so we knew she had the ability. She cried for about 22 minutes(with mild breaks) and then fell asleep. She slept until 230!!! The crying part sucked, as we are usually both very quick to respond to her. I tried to get the mindset I have when I am driving and can't pull over when she is crying.

And, last night she went down easily and slept EIGHT hours. Holy Moly. My body was like ?&%$?, I woke 3 times during that time period, but without the responsibility of nursing/changing, placing a baby in her crib to make me really wake.

Why didn't we start this earlier(like at the beginning of my two weeks of h*ell)??? Ah well. Hopefully things will continue in this improved vein.

Probably the cutest yawner in this house...

routine, what routine?

2010-06-25T12:32:00.000-07:00

Every time I think I've figured out a routine with Acorn, something throws it off. Life with her is all about constant improvisation. Some days, it is our fault(we put her to bed later, or are out during her main naptime)... and some days it can be something as simple as the fact that she hasn't had her morning poo, and needs to. There are many days that I am grateful that I am able to have so much time at home with this girl, and then there are days I am like "Find some full-time work, woman!" because I want to have more intriguing things happen in my day then waiting for a baby to poop.

But, when I look for full-time work (outside of my field, as ft jobs in my field only go to people with a book or two or a phd) the idea of spending 40+ hours a week doing something I am not excited about, and being away from Ms. Acorn, seems not worth it.

In the publishing front, I've been sending stuff out again, and am about to send my book out some more. One of my poems will be published this summer, in an online journal. It is a poem I wrote while p.regnant, about pre.gnancy and a visit to a museum.

So, to get back to the idea of routine. Acorn started taking 1.5 hour long naps last week!(which is a miracle in itself, after months of 30-45 minutes)... Usually from 1030-12, or 11-1230, etc. But, today's was all messed up and she has finally just gone down, now, at 230. Here's hoping I don't have a waker in another 10 minutes(which is what happened at 11, today)...
Here is her royal adorableness having her first taste of (from our garden)peas.

First Father's Day

2010-06-20T06:07:00.000-07:00

Infertility, just like parenthood, is usually a two person story. I am the one who narrates our journey, but I have a partner in it all.
It took us three years and 2 months to conceive our baby that came home. Through it all, Mr. S was there with me, hoping and praying we'd have our own child. When we found out we were dealing with male factor, he dealt with it well. He had his moments of anger and sadness, but he accepted the changes he needed to make, and did so.
I am so grateful that we had the option of IVF/ICSI to combine our genes and get our baby. A couple of generations ago, we wouldn't have been able to do this.
And now we have arrived, and are celebrating our First Father's Day.
Mr. S is a patient, caring, joyful father. Acorn loves to play with him, watch him do dishes and brush his teeth, grab his beard, and be around him.
Here is my dear Mr. S- changing our girl's diaper, at our pool:

Happy Father's Day!!!

first real fever

2010-06-14T11:03:00.000-07:00

We are a tired family over here in the garden.
Acorn had her first real fever(not vaccine related) Fri-Saturday, it went from 100-102, depending on the hour. She was sad, cranky, restless and ate much less than usual. At first we thought teething, then ear infection. I was a mess! As some may know, if a 6+month old has a fever, it is not considered worthy of calling the doctor(esp. on a weekend) unless it is 103 and up. Yikes!

I called our Ped. at 8am on the dot this morning and we went in at 930. Acorn was pronounced "Fine." and the Doctor said it had probably been a summer virus, and the fever may have made her disinterested in eating much.

Having been a pet owner for years, I am well-versed in the frustrating feeling of helplessness one has when a non-verbal being in your care is unwell, but can't say what exactly is wrong.

All weekend, I kept having 3 am visions of dire fevers, and would be (for a minute) convinced that Acorn was dying b/c a spider had bitten her(unexplained red bump on her leg), or b/c I took her in the pool. Reason would win through, but those sneaky worrisome thoughts revisited when she woke each night crying and hot and sad.

She seems to be on the mend, thankfully. I know I am lucky that her first illness waited 7 months. And, I continue to have moments where I realize that this, being a parent, harrowing as it may be sometimes, is something I get to experience. Something I feared I never would.

still seeing it everywhere (the power of I.F.-dar)

2010-06-01T08:12:00.000-07:00

As I've mentioned before, once you've been inferile you develop IF-dar. The ability to recognize unspoken infertility in others.
Usually I use my IF-dar powers on those around me, always being careful to keep my ideas to myself(and Mr. S)... However, sometimes the IF-dar comes into play with media.

Mr. S and I have actually had time to watch a few movies in the past few weeks! This is amazing, as usually, between dinner, getting Acorn to sleep and my own need to get to bed early to deal with 2 wake-ups a night, we barely squeeze in one tivo'ed show.
In the last two weeks, we've watched: Away We Go, Up and Julie and Julia. Each one had infertility referenced, two in very subtle ways.
I won't go into the plots of the movies, just the IF specifics.

In Away We Go, their Montreal friends are dealing with repeated loss. Mr. S said it would've been really hard to see/hear the man's speech about feeling helpless, if he'd seen it while I was p.regnant with Acorn.
In Up, the loss is subtle. During a 'their life together' montage, Ellie agrees with Carl that she sees baby clouds, smiles and nods her head. He gets a smile on his face. We see a scene where they are painting a nursery, and then her crying in a doctor's office. Mr. S said to me, "Is that the first mis.carriage shown in a cartoon?"

In Julie and Julia, we see Julia Child wince as a baby carriage goes by. Mr. S and I knew immediately why, and that idea was confirmed later in the movie, when she received a letter announcing her sister's pregnancy. She cried and cried, saying, "I am happy, really!"
Oh, how so many of us know the "really, I am happy" crying.
Anyone know any other movies that deal, subtly, with IF? (I mean where it isn't the focus of the movie/show, as in ones where IF sucks but the characters so often get pregnant or adopt fairly easily?)

first friends

2010-05-18T06:41:00.000-07:00

As seen in the last post, Acorn has recently become aware of animals and babies. She is very very interested in them, and has a specific voice she uses to call a cat, dog, baby or young child to her. It rarely works, but I love that she is showing this kind of awareness to her surroundings. Our one cat will come and sit by us, and let Acorn pet her head. The neighbor's new puppy would like to lick/chew Acorn as much as possible, but he is young and has sharp teeth, so mostly I let her look at him.

My friend has a baby that is 3 months younger than Acorn. We get them together once every couple of weeks. This was taken at their last visit. And yes, they are almost the same size!

They kept grabbing hands, it was adorable. My Mom decided that they were the cutest pictures she'd ever seen. She is biased, obviously.

Here, Acorn is with another baby-friend, just 3 days older than she is. We expect to see them alot this summer, as we'll be at the same pool.

awareness of time

2010-04-30T05:59:00.000-07:00

Our little Acorn turns six months next week. This is a bit mind-blowing to me. It seems a bit ridiculous, that I, an overly-educated individual, can be so disbelieving of the simple passing of time.

I realized some simple things about six months. The first being that six months is half of a year. (I warned you, my brain can't seem to compute complex thoughts, these days)... How can my baby be 1/2 of a year old? I received a note from b.abycenter last weekend that said, "At this time last year you were 12 weeks pregn.ant." We were just leaving the danger zone, so to speak. It is easy to look back and think of all of the milestones of my pr.egnancy, how happy I was to have it keep on continuing.

Our Acorn is a little yeller. She yells(not cries) when she wants to: move, eat, sleep, look at something, chew on something. We have not yet learned to differentiate these yells, so my day is filled with, OK, let's try this, moments. And, she is sitting up. Wobbly, but sitting. She engages her muscles in a way that makes me want to get myself to a pilates class.

Since she arrived, she has been(to me) a part of me. As she asserts herself, her likes and dislikes, her desire to be out in the world, I see that soon she will start to be more of an individual. It makes me a bit sad, though I know it means she is healthy and thriving, and growing older.

A Parent

2010-04-20T06:25:00.001-07:00

For those of us who struggled for years with infertility, the dream of becoming a parent seems like some wistful/hopeful possibility. At least that is how it was for me. I watched so many friends go from single-self to parent-self and was a bit envious. I wondered if I would experience that transformation. Once I was pregnant(and the baby stayed) I was so worried about the baby arriving, healthy, that I still didn't imagine that I would truly be a parent.

The first few months of Acorn's life I was still settling in to parenthood. When people said "Mom and Dad" I thought they meant my Mom and Dad.

Months later, and seemingly suddenly, I am. I am a parent. I worry about her, I put her first. I learn from her, what she needs, and how to parent. I identify with other parents. It is a bit crazy, honestly. To long so long for something, for something complex, difficult, heartbreaking and heartwarming. To have that longed for thing, that new self, arrive.

21 week old

2010-04-01T11:43:00.000-07:00

My baby is 21 weeks old today!
New things for this week:
1. slept through the night 2 times(but woke 3 times last night, so no new trend in sight)
2. can grab her toes with her hands. Makes diaper changing easier.
3. Has a new smile, she crinkles up her nose. Does this especially when she sees the camera.
4.Doesn't mind tummy time as much.
5. Has been yelling a LOT, maybe because of teething, we can't tell. Some afternoons are very long because of this.
6. Made her first 'joke' yesterday. She grabbed my elbow while I was changing her diaper and gave me a mischievous look. She started laughing when I looked at the way she held my arm. She has done this about 4 more times, and laughs each time I respond to the way she has grabbed me.
7. She grabs at plants when we're walking outside, has pulled forsythia blossoms from the branch.

She is still a baby, but the person, her personality is starting to really show.

An Acorn in (almost) Spring

2010-03-19T06:46:00.001-07:00

My baby likes to be outside!!! This is very exciting.
We've had a long, cold winter. Acorn gets bored if we are in the same place for too long. She was a bit fussy the other day and I took her outside and she got super still and calm as I walked around and showed her spring flowers, crocus and snowdrop and hellebore.
Yesterday, I took her out and laid her on a mat & blanket so I could quickly plant something a neighbor was getting rid of(lilac, can you believe it?) and she cooed and squirmed like she does when I am standing above her. But I wasn't! It was the sky/trees/birds that she was cooing to.
Hurrah!

new poe.m - post-blizzard, spring coming

2010-03-12T12:26:00.001-08:00

swee.tbitter unmanageable creature who steals in

Winter will bonsai the garden
whether you want it or not.
Snow heavy, bent. Removal
of branches, every berry the birds left
each seed head, flattened.
Shine, split orange bittersw.eet.
Nest, windblown, beside the rosemary
search for a remainder of sage
Tomorrow’s meal an idea you hope for,
today: brown butter, add mushrooms
wipe steam from your face
listen for the bab.y.
Let the cat come in
but shake the mouse from his jaws.
The pan is hot, iron sparks against the stove.
Sweetbitter creature who steals in,
unmanageable, loveable.
My heart seemed full, last year
it wasn’t.

4 months

2010-03-04T09:08:00.000-08:00

Acorn will be 4 months old tomorrow, and it is both crazy to me to think she is that old, and also not crazy because my life is so centered around her(mostly in a good way) nowadays. Thinking of the time reminds me of my relationship with Mr. S. We used to say, "Can you believe it has been X- years?" but then we couldn't imagine life without one another. (It will be 10 yrs this August, by the way)... That is how I feel about Acorn. At this time last year we were newly pregnant and very nervous. Wow.
Acorn coos and talks up a storm while in happy activity, and is quite a charmer.
Our newest challenge is super short naps(20-30 minutes on average) which make her grumpy, that, and she is very distracted while eating. If I talk, or if she hears others talking she wants to turn around and see what is going on. That makes being out a bit harder. I have perfected the car-nurse. She has this way of looking at me, post-feed and grinning adorably that makes me hope it is awhile until her teeth come in!
Nonetheless, we have been active, on weekdays especially. Between me working part-time, baby yoga, bre.astfeeding group and errands, we are often out for 4-6(or more) hours a day.

Spring bulbs are peeking their greenery up through the earth and I can't wait to have warm air to walk around in, and to share with Acorn.

One Year Ago Today(Egg Retrieval)

2010-02-15T12:43:00.000-08:00

One year ago today we had our egg retrieval for IVF/ICSI 2. It was a rough time, my second time through. Once home I got sick and passed out and sent Mr. S into a major worry. But, we got 11 eggs, 5 fertilized, we transferred 2 (froze zero, sad) and from that we got our amazing, lovely and wonderful Acorn!
Just the other day I said to her, "you were our lucky egg."

I am unbelievably grateful. Thankful that we decided to go for one more try. Amazed that it worked(despite bad odds) and that we are now home with a very active, engaged, challenging and rewarding daughter.
Yay IVF!!!

Snow as tall as our baby

2010-02-08T09:37:00.000-08:00

Acorn is 3 months old! Wow. We had a very rough couple of weeks leading up to the big 3 month day, and I was at my wit's end, wondering what was happening and thinking, "everyone said it gets easier now.. but not for us!"

After 2 weeks of rampant crying and outright screaching, I finally realized that she now needs calm and quiet to fall asleep, and that I have to leave her alone(this is the exact opposite of how she used to fall asleep for naps) so all that yelling was her saying, "Mama, don't feed me or entertain me, just let me be!" What a learning process this all is!

Just this week she really found her voice. It is a lovely thing, so cheery! She has little giggles and coos and chats with her toys, her hands, and us. I took her for her first 'swim' on Thursday night, she looked curious, worried, but never cried, even when I took her under water for 2 seconds! We have an adventurer.

We are digging out of the major storm. We got about 24 inches in our neighborhood. The icicles hanging from nearby rooftops are tremendous. Ours are long, but not as long, probably because we keep our house cooler. The streets are still slushy/icy and the trees in our area just aren't up to that much heavy/wet snow, many branches and trees are down. Happily, we haven't lost power.

Here is our little Acorn in her Bumbo chair.

all around and even some sleep

2010-01-26T10:50:00.000-08:00

The weekend was incredibly busy. My Great-Uncle passed away and we had funeral events to attend, as well as already planned social gatherings. Our little Acorn was out and amongst friends and family from 11am until 830pm on Sunday(3 events) and was passed all around and cooed over. I was nervous that it would overwhelm her, but she did well. Napped at times, and looked at people the rest of the time. She is entranced by my Uncle, Mr. S says she looks at him as she looks at Star(a high compliment indeed)...
Sunday night she gave us her greatest sleep ever! 8 hours in a row! I woke with very very hard and leaky b.reasts. The next night was more like usual, but we are hoping that night was a prelude of great sleeps to come!

10 weeks and looking around all the time!

2010-01-17T15:36:00.000-08:00

Our 10 week old is doing some new things. Most notably:
1. she sleeps in 5 hour and then(sometimes) 4 hour stints at night! Sometimes she starts with a long sleep and then regresses to up every 2 hours. But, the huge change(and improvement) is she usually falls back asleep within 30 minutes. It used to be 45 min. to 2 hours we'd be up!
2. She gets bored easily. She has a new love, Star(a stuffed toy I made)..here they are together: (star is black/white/red on the side she looks at)...and loves images from wee gallery, high contrast books and other visually intriguing things.
3. She had her first visit to a museum, and totally looked at art!(or at least small pieces of the large art). She has this great way of raising her eyes or focusing intently when she likes something.
4. We have started 'itsy bitsy yoga' which is really just 'stretch the baby' time, but it is fun, she likes it, and I meet other new moms.

and finally, one year ago today I was gearing up to start injectables, how crazy is that?

There is more, but I am tired. Here is our girl, looking out from her play mat:

2 months

2010-01-07T16:49:00.000-08:00

Our Acorn is 2 months old. How crazy is that?
Things she does:
1. holds her head up a lot! She is a little puppy.
2. follows things, esp. pictures/books/us with her eyes. Sometimes she moves her head as well. The pediatrician was surprised to see her 'track across whole field' or something like that. She gets bored sometimes, so books/cards are being used a lot.
3. smiles, fairly often, esp. in the morning. Does a very cute smile-inhale-happy cough thing.
4. coos and gurgles, very cute!
5. is still not sleeping a ton at night, we would like that to change!
6. is really into playing with her tongue, suddenly.
7. can sometimes get her fingers/hand in her mouth. is very happy about that.

The bf'ing has improved so much, it still isn't comfy, but it is doable and mostly predictable.

She had her shots yesterday and screamed bloody murder after the 3rd one, then quieted. Mr. S said she had this look like "I can handle this" during the first 2, but shot 3 was one too many. I fed her and she was calm quickly.
She weighed 9lb 15oz. I told Mr. S I should've let her eat fr 5 more minutes so she'd be an even 10lb! But, I realized she gained 1 lb. 11 oz in 22 days, which is amazing!

Here she is:

Always, Never and the Hope of Soon

2010-01-01T07:46:00.000-08:00

These days I seem to live in a state of extreme Now.

When Acorn was a couple of weeks old, and things(sleep, breastfeeding) seemed particularly difficult, friends kept saying to me, "things improve after 6 weeks, usually." And I thought, but didn't say, 'But, she will never be 6 weeks, she will always just be 10 days old.' Totally irrational, but the only way I seemed to think.

When I was in labor and the contractions were non-stop, back to back I thought, woefully, 'I will always be in labor, the baby will never come.' But, of course, she did come. I said to her, over and over, "You're here, you came, you're safe!" and was so grateful.

And, the most horrible never of them all: that feeling when I was dealing with years of Infertility: bad diagnoses, failed IUI's, failed IVF, miscarriage and no insurance coverage. Months passed, and every month was a month I wasn't pregnant, longer to wait for a child.
Friends would say, "I know you are going to have a baby, be a parent." and I would think, 'I am never going to have that. I will always be wishing for a baby. I want it more than anything, but it won't happen."
Turns out I was wrong!

My baby is now 8 weeks old. The blurry, never seemed like it could happen(time passing, her growing) did happen. Time passed, she is growing. I have recently caught myself thinking, 'soon she will be sitting up, teething, rolling over.'

Never is fading into soon.

Last year at this time Mr. S and I were so sad, and we were facing our final try with IVF. That IVF was not the stellar amazing cycle of the year before(the failed cycle), and we had fewer everything. But it turns out we were soon pregnant, and would get our little Acorn within the year. It was worth it.

Happy New Year to all of my online IF friends, and may this year bring you blessings that make your head spin, your world change and your heart smile. Always.

more smiles, longer sleep

2009-12-30T11:39:00.000-08:00

Our baby Acorn smiles more each day, she is starting to smile and coo at the same time, which makes her cough a bit, but she stays smiling. A friend had told me, during my first exhausted weeks, that when the baby starts responding to you things get easier. She was right! It isn't easy, per se, but easier.

I have yet to get more than 3 hours of sleep in a row, but that is b/c I have over-productive milk, and wake leaking.

We had a huge snowstorm here, the week before Christmas. The next day we went on a walk and I ended up falling on some ice. I was wearing Acorn, but luckily I fell in a way to protect her. I skinned my knee, but she was so fine that she stayed asleep(in her carrier) even though she was 4 inches from the ground. Mr. S said it was a crazy thing to watch.

Christmas was a bit tiring for us, trying to do our normal run around(modified some) and still get lots of presents for people. I would've been much happier at home. But, everyone is so happy to see our Acorn and to see her smile and watch them.

She'll be 8 weeks tomorrow, that is crazy to me!

six weeks

2009-12-17T16:01:00.001-08:00

I cannot believe that Acorn is 6 weeks old today.
Here is a pic I plan to send to friends and family (email send) for the holidays, but I post it here, early....

By the way, the ticker is weird, and has the wrong count, I am not sure why.
She is smiling and making lovely cooing noises to go along with her goat grunts and elephant snorts. She is a noisy baby, except in deep sleep.
I am still struggling with b.re.ast issues, the yeast is slowly leaving, and my n.ips are again cracked. I am sincerely tired of it, it has gotten to the point that I can't remember not being in pain. Awful. But, Acorn is growing well, she gained 6 ounces in 5 days!

one month

2009-12-07T09:17:00.000-08:00

I've been reading _from the h.ips_ the book a friend sent me and that was highly recommended. Man, is it helpful to read through all of the conflicting emotions and reactions that people have after they baby arrives!

Acorn is one month old and has celebrated by sleeping a full 5 hours in a row, three nights in a row! Of course, this starts at 7pm, and after 2+ hours of fussy cluster feeding(which wears me out, but at least I have the hope of quiet to get me through it...) Part of me wants to just go to sleep when she does, but I have been going to bed more around 930-10. Unfortunately, my b.reasts still wake me up every 2.5-3 hours! They get leaky and I wake, wondering why the baby isn't feeding. I am trying to pump less, so they will desist. I have to do laundry a LOT because of milk on my day and night clothes! I do another 2 hour wake and feed around 1-2am, and am dealing pretty well with the broken sleep. Mostly, that is.

I am still having some pains in that area as well, mostly b/c the antibiotics for the mastitis re-flared the yeast inf. which causes crazy shooting pains. So strange! I do look forward to not feeling governed by my chest, but know that will be months or more.

But, I am able to look ahead a few days, and I can see how Acorn is getting into a semi-rhythm and also starting to make faces at us. I've seen her 'sleep-smile' a few times and can't wait to see it when she is awake!

It snowed Saturday, huge fat flakes. Mr. S and I were on the couch with the baby between us, and I had one of my first peaceful, truly happy moments. Lovely.

lady pumps-alot and the nourishing talk

2009-11-30T14:31:00.000-08:00

I have been a pumping fiend. I don't love it, but I do like the healing break it has given my body. And, after 2 days of 'is that all?' when finishing, my milk supply has risen to the occasion. The only drawback: I wake every 2.5-3 hours with leaking breas.ts, and have to pump. Ah well.
Baby Acorn is growing, so that is good.
We had the most lovely time at a good friend's household on Saturday! The party was at a very child-friendly 2pm, and they gave me leave to use the nursery for pumping. I hijacked an out-of-town friend for some newborn kvetching. It was nice to catch up with so many of my old friends.
After the party Mr. S was like "you need more girl time" he said I came down from the pump/chat session looking relaxed and rejuvenated.
The only problem: I am usually worn out by 7pm, and everyone works. The weekends fill quickly.
Our little Acorn is starting to make faces, and hints of smiles. It is exciting!

breastfeeding woes and, eventually, thanks

2009-11-26T12:15:00.000-08:00

P.S.A.: I talk about my brea.sts a lot in this entry.
Wow, I wish I could say I am in blissed out "we finally had a baby" land, but really, the newborn thing is hard. I told Mr. S this weekend that I feel like I am under 'nipple slavery'.

I developed a breast-yeast infection, and was diagnosed last Friday. The treatment was semi-working, but then I started having more pain, and just crying from the pain, and imagining each feeding with major worry and sadness. I called my midwife center yesterday, and they had me check some symptoms(fever: no, hot bre.asts: yes) and they said "Come in!") I went in and they winced when they saw my cracked, red nipples. They said it makes sense I've been crying a lot, as the pain would bring anyone down.

Turns out I have the bre.astfeeding trifecta: Cracked nipples, a yeast infection(in the b.reasts) and mastitis. So, I have been forbidden to bfeed for 2 days, and am to pump and feed her that way. I am medicining it up. I am starting to feel better, but the all pumping thing is a time sucker, oh man! And, I have this weird feeling of odd irony that on the day of feasting I have to use a machine to get milk to put into a bottle to feed my baby.

But, that brings me to part two of this entry...
I have a baby! This time last year we were coming up on 3 yrs ttc, and I was still dealing with the very physical effects of my miscarriage. I was wondering if I'd ever have my own baby.
Now I do!
I told her this morning about Thanksgiving, a day of feasting, family and gratitude. I told her that she is what we are most grateful for, and how long we've waited for her.

This holiday, this year, has made me realize that the need for a holiday like thanksgiving was called for by trials, hardship. It makes sense to balance the feast with gratitude of what has brought us to this feast, to this day of thanks.

two weeks and the obligatory journal quandary

2009-11-19T12:00:00.001-08:00

We are celebrating Acorn's 2 week birthday today! Yay two weeks! We are still in the midst of major adjustments, and man, is brea.stfeeding so much more challenging than I expected! It is the hardest thing, so far. Harder than the inconsistent sleep.

So, is this still an infertility blog? I don't know. I still think about infertility, and know we will face a very similar journey if we want to try for another baby. I think about my friends still trying(both online and in person friends) I think about friends I think may be dealing, silently, with infertility. I still want more honesty about infertility in our world.

On the flip side, I am seeing the holidays come up, the holidays that we passed for the past 3+ years yearning for a child, and now that longed for child is here. It is baffling to compare this years pre- holiday newborn time to last years post-miscarriage aftershock and depression.

I am the same, I am different. I am changed, but I know who that person, what that pain was.

We are embraced by our local community, we receive food 2x a week, we are borrowing carriers, a sleeper, cloth diaper things. We are in the club. New members. Tentative. Grateful.

One Week Old!

2009-11-12T10:53:00.000-08:00

Our baby, who shall be henceforth be called Acorn on here, is one week old today!

We are a bit sleep-deprived right now, so I shall just post some requested photos:

pensive baby

our little Acorn

3 days here

2009-11-08T15:39:00.000-08:00

Our baby arrived on Thursday afternoon!!!

I went into labor the day before at 6pm, and labored slowly, slept for 2.5 hours and then was awake at 230 am with contractions I couldn't sleep through. I wanted to go to the birth center, but they were like "you must be in Active labor!" and I was frustrated that I couldn't go. But then, as I lay on the bed and looked at birds out my window I had the realization: "just because I get there doesn't mean the baby comes right away!"

The birth center had me come in at 930 am and I was 'only 3 cm' so they said "go home and come back in 2 hours." Having had a couple of contractions in the car, and in traffic, I was like "I don't want to go home." So we went to the nearby huge garden/park. It was a beautiful morning, but I was in pain, so I walked, contracted, looked at plants, and we went back.

They checked me and the student midwife said, "she is just 3-4cm." so they were like "we'd like you to go home and sleep for 2 hours." Mind you, my contractions were getting really rough, and I was like "NO WAY!" but not out loud. Mr. S convinced them to let me rest there for a bit. They checked me in an hour and the student midwife said "still 4." but the head midwife looked and was like "no, that is 5." which made me wonder about the previous check.

So, I was officially admitted.

By then the labor had removed me from my brain and I was a bit primal and in a netherworld of pain. I found out a day later that I went from 5 to 10 cm in less than 2 hours, and that is why I was in so much pain, so non-stop. I definitely was like "this is why people do epidurals" but knowing I didn't have the option, it was just a wistful thought.

They filled the tub and while waiting for that my water broke in a big burst.

I labored in the tub, lost to the world, with 3 midwives and Mr. S all helping. They went to do a dilation check and could feel the head, so they said I was getting ready to go. Every push/contraction felt like it had to be the one, and finally, one was. I had the baby and they had me walk to the bed, holding the baby!!! (they supported me) we laid on the bed, baby and me, me saying "you are here, you came, you're safe!" and still shaking. After a few minutes we realized we didn't even know boy or girl, so they had Mr. S check, and we found out it was a girl!

So, our baby girl was born at 323pm and weighed 6lb.11oz, and was 19.5 inches long. I could say much more, but just wanted to get this posted for now.

She is absolutely gorgeous and I feel worlds of gratitude that she arrived safely, and we are all home. Today was our due date, and she is 3 days old and sleeping off a milk coma(my milk came in today)...

not yet

2009-11-02T09:55:00.000-08:00

My blood-pressure was fine today(still a little high, but not scary high) so no induction today!!! I found out Sunday that the midwife I saw last is the 'drama queen' of the practice. She has seen a lot, and maybe doesn't know how to tell who listens and is careful, and who isn't.

So, our bags are packed and we were ready(as we could be) but are happy to be waiting. Hopefully the baby will come soon, and I can have my water-birth! The sun came out and I feel like jumping around with relief. It was no fun reading about the risks of being induced. So, plan relaxerton continues, I hope to keep that pressure down, and go in again Thursday to be checked.

the pressure is rising

2009-10-30T10:40:00.001-07:00

My nice, uneventful pregnancy may be getting a little more 'spicy'...

It turns out I may have Pregnancy Induced Hypertension or Pre-Eclampsia(though that is less likely)... I went in for my appt. yesterday a bit worried, as my feet have gotten a lot worse. My blood pressure was 145/85. It is usually close to 120/60, during pregnancy. Pre-pregnancy, lower. They tested my urine, and luckily I am not secreting protein, which is good, b/c that would pretty much guarantee pre-eclampsia. They took some blood and will call me if there are other bloodwork signs of pre-e. I don't have the other signs: blurry vision, headache, abdomenal pain. They were considering doing a Non-stress-test, but the baby moves so much, and the heartbeat was good enough that they decided not to.

So, if the b/w is fine I go in Monday, and if my b/p is still high I have to go to the hospital to be induced. SUCKS! That means no birth center birth, no water/tub. Ugh.

So, I will go on a relaxation and low-salt regimen this weekend. Happily, my feet are way less swollen this morning, which the midwife said to check for. I went for a swim, which is supposed to help.

My inclination is to clean and get ready for the baby, so keeping my feet up is a big challenge right now!

I will be sad to lose my birth center birth, but I have said all along that you can just hope for the birth you'd prefer, the main thing is for baby to come safely. The crazy thing: my good friend who dealth with IF for 6+ yrs is having her c-section on Monday, in the same hospital I'd be sent to!

when are you???

2009-10-24T06:52:00.000-07:00

I can't interact with anyone these days without the question "when are you due?" I guess I am really looking big right now!
Every day I get to class my students look surprised I haven't called to say I am in labor yet.
I'll be 38 weeks tomorrow! Hurrah!
In my online ivf pregnancy buddy group it is looking as if anyone who isn't having twins is going to their due date, and perhaps beyond. I am preparing myself!

In the meantime we do little preparatory things as much as we can. I painted 2 walls in our bathroom, I figured I should do it while all the paint stuff was out. It looks immensely better, it is something I have been wanting to do since we moved in over 3 yrs ago.

Last night we had some good friends over for dinner and then our one friend stayed and gave us a bradley method Q&A session(she is trained for it) while her husband took the kids home. We've been reading the book and learning about the stages of labor, emotional signposts, coach support, etc. It was great to review with her!

I am in this strange space where I can imagine myself post birth, with the baby at home, but I don't quite believe it is all going to happen.

The nursery

2009-10-16T12:43:00.000-07:00

This had been the week of the nursery. We painted on the weekend(and man, a 90 yr old house has some bumpy walls and trim!) and I started the fun part: painting trees on the walls, on Monday. I finished yesterday, and I love it so so much!

Also, in the 'it takes a village' mindset, we had 2 brothers, with both their girlfriends, and one neighbor help, on various days, as well as a friend who came over the summer to help clear(the room was basically a storage area for years) and help plan. I love that I can look around the room and see where each person helped. I hogged the fun job, the tree and leaf painting.
So, here are some pics:
Before shot:

Me painting leaves, 36.5 weeks:

Three seasons on Two walls:

The Onesie on the Line

2009-10-09T04:28:00.000-07:00

My brother bought us a lovely set of organic cotton onesies, they are adorned with little raccoons and forest creatures. I saw them at the store and really really wanted one for our baby, but withheld, since our baby shower was coming up. I did buy one for a fellow infertile whose baby is due within a couple of weeks of ours. So, when I got them from him, I was quite happy!

I washed the one that is newborn sized, and hung it outside with the rest of my laundry(mostly shirts, nightgowns of my own)...

Last night I went to get them when I got home from work. I saw the tiny cream colored onesie with the tiny footed ends hanging there.

Something so small to hold a whole person. To hold the small person that will be living in my house. I had a moment of disbelief. Incredulity that this is happening to me, after 3 + years of trying, waiting, the moment will come when my baby's clothes dominate that laundry line.

fall poem

2009-10-02T12:23:00.000-07:00

September was hard for me, I can't pretend otherwise. To pass the date we lost the baby last year, to see the flowers glow along our fence, and the blue sky and crisp air, all so similar to that terrible post-loss time. I wrote a few things, these past few weeks. This poem(written yesterday, in class) seems to best summarize my process, the quixotic joy and remembering:

Honeycrisp

Apples crisp the year
turning again, and though I will grow tired
of this fruit, today I love it, mottled skin, sweet flesh,
even the little marks. How can this day
relate to last years same date?

Tragedy marked that calendar and I shake myself
cat-like as if from rain
the rain that would not fall all through
the first fortnight of grieving.
I shake myself then hold tight.
If I could hold my breath for 24 hours
I would. If I could have held that baby in
I would have. Now, this next life jostles my ribs
and marks my breathing. I grow round

as an apple in this apple time. I try to will myself whole.
Mottled skin, sun marked, wind. I am a great
protector. I stand still, I move slowly. I turn the calendar
page, finally, to the next month. The one unmarked
by that other, first life. But is anything unblemished/unremembered?

Will next years’ apples find me loving
this time of year again? My teeth almost
meet at the edge of the apple’s core. Cool air
flushes my cheek. I am in my body, I am not the only one.
Bite to the center, there is always another layer, morsel.
I swallow and the baby turns. Receives. I am not just me,
though only two hands touch this paper, and a little juice,
clear, sweet. Undeniably now. Fleeting, but marking.

Shower One

2009-09-27T06:12:00.000-07:00

I had my friend baby shower yesterday. It was so lovely, I feel really blessed!

We had an actual blessing ceremony where people read us notes/blessings, and we are now all wearing a string on our wrists that everyone will keep on until baby comes. We've done this for other friends, and it gives is a wonderful feeling of connectivity. The idea is that while I am in labor everyone can send me extra lovely and strengthening energy. The string we used is a saffron yellow thread my brother brought me from Guatemala.

Not only did we receive wonderful presents, thoughtful words and food, but we also had our porch loaded with hand-me-downs and loaners: a loaner co-sleeper, a box of cloth diapering essential(hmd), a great vintage highchair and a toddler carseat. Hurrah!

From our registry(and from friends who bought on their own and quite well) we now have 2 changing pads, c.p. covers, organic cotton crib sheets, a bundle-me, vintage blocks, adorable and feisty looking clothes(incl. a great hoodie,and many striped things), a thermometer I never would have thought to ask for(it is temporal, so can be taken when baby/child is asleep), some baby books, and many more things..

Concurrent to my shower(which was across the street) Mr. S had some guy friends over and played poker and had a guy-rific time. Some of them came over at the end of the baby shower to hang out, which was very nice, as my brothers could come over, as well as Mr. S.

While cutting flowers to put in the house, a bee ran into my neck and stung me. Ow. The shower and friend-richness distracted me from the pain/irritation, but today my neck is red and a tiny bit swollen. It is a good reminder of the power of distraction.

Grandparents present and future

2009-09-24T05:52:00.000-07:00

My parents are about to be grandparents. They are both excited. And, I am looking forward to seeing how they change/act as grandparents. It is interesting, because Mr. S's parents have been grandparents since I met them.
I have only one set of grandparents that I think of when I think of the idea of grandparents: my maternal ones. I admit that I base a lot of my ideas on grandparent-hood on them and their behavior. Ideas about support, guidance, fun, acceptance.
It has been odd(for me) over the years to see Mr. S's Mom and how permissive she can be with her grandchildren- giving soda and sugar to a 2 1/2 yr old, suggesting the child go watch tv, etc. It is something Mr. S and I have talked about, and hope to avoid with our own child. She is also incredibly loving, loyal and supportive, so we know the good outweighs the negative(what we see as negative)...
But, we know there is a lack of control, of what we can expect(like that she not leave crime
shows on when the baby/toddler is in the room), and a fine line of expectation versus action.

My Mom smokes, never around me, but she reeks of it. She gave me two hand-crocheted blankets yesterday, one for the baby, so pretty. They are outside airing out before I wash them. I need to broach the subject of her airing out the house before she watches our baby, which she will probably do about 4 hrs a week. She is so excited to watch our baby. I asked her what she wants to do, if she has any activites, and she says she can't wait to read lots of books to the baby, and go on walks in the park. That is sweet.

I ran into my cousin at the store yesterday(married to my Aunt's son) she said my Aunt watched her daughter at around 8 months and was so worried about the cloth diaper/strange sippy cup thing(klea.n kanteen) that she didn't give her granddaughter milk all day, and used a nice salad bowl to soak the diapers in, even though she'd been told where to put the diapers. Sounds like the stress goes both ways!

So, we have the interesting dilemma of knowing what we hope won't happen. But, we are both looking forward to the expanding love in the family. It is exciting.

33 weeks, in the garden

2009-09-21T07:40:00.000-07:00

Mr.S and I forgot to do a 33 week belly shot yesterday, so I just ran out to the garden and took a few(using our mailbox to hold up the camera!). So, here I am with my wild garden behind me, the yellow flowers are called Maximilian Sunflower, they are a prairie native and get a bit wild, but the blooms are great, esp. this time of year.

The baby movements are more pronounced now. I can feel a foot(or hand?) move across my belly and it is an intense, sliding motion. Very strong. I had my first "I've gone into labor" dream, but by the time I'd arrived at the birth center, no contractions, etc. I guess I am wondering how I'll know.

I told Mr. S that we should start getting everything ready as if the baby were to arrive in 4 weeks. You never know, and now, while I have some energy, is the time to finish things! I am in full on nesting mode, and want to clear things out and organize. This is VERY atypical for me. I'd like to bottle this inclination.

32!

2009-09-13T07:16:00.000-07:00

Ah, I am in my early thirties for the first time(and second, if you count age)... Nice.

Today marks 32 weeks, 8 months down. Hurrah! A nice neighbor told me last night "are you 7 months along?" and I said, "Eight!" and he said I looked great. Ah, it is the little things, even if he doesn't really know how I should look. My belly is expanding quickly, and I am hungry quite often, gone are the days of not eating much because I felt I had no space. The baby puts on about 1/2 pound a week now!

I'll get a belly pic up soon.

Mr. S and I are eyeing the calendar date a bit warily, as Tuesday marks the anniversary of the day, last year, when we lost the first pregnancy, first baby-hope, heartbeat, etc. It is also his birthday.

Bittersweet to feel this baby move, to think of how devastated we were. I don't have any words of wisdom or anything, I am just sharing.

Rain Fall and Summer's Ending

2009-09-09T05:03:00.000-07:00

It is interesting, as a child, school starting meant summer ending. School beginning meant the end of unstructured time. My brother and I were latch-key kids, so in summer, we didn't go to camp or anything, but we did have hours to wander, pick blackberries, read, play games, and even go to the pool(when we moved in 5th grade)... Even still, I always loved the return to school, because I liked the learning, reading, art classes and friends.

Over 20 years later(and many years where summer often meant working a lot before school started) I have returned to an awareness of summer, and summer's ending. Now that we spend so much of our summer outside, eating, sitting with friends, etc. I am being dragged to the 'end of summer' quite unwillingly. Add to that my pregnancy, and that my most comfortable time of day is spent in the pool(talk about a return to how your body normally feels, not heavy) and I am even more wistful.

Saturday we had a lebanese potluck at our group of tables, there was a band playing and lots of good conversation to be had. Later: a fire on one part of the grounds and the movie "spirited away" on the other side. The moon rose over the area where the fire was, and it was quite magical.

Mr. S and I try to enter fall saying we'll be outside as much, but usually manage only 1 night every 2 weeks to have people over and go outside and watch the bats fly and the moon rise. Alas.

My students seem unphased by my impending due date(thank you swine flu hoopla for that). I did buy my first delicata squash yesterday, and squash soup and other savory lovelies are sounding more and more wonderful as the week continues with cooler weather and rain. The baby continues to move so much that I don't worry about doing a nightly 'kick count.' I'll be 32 weeks on Sunday, and that is 8 months, which is a bit unfathomable.

What does summer's end mean for you?

30 weeks

2009-08-31T06:30:00.000-07:00

As of yesterday I am 30 weeks pregnant! Wowee. I said to Mr. S, "If our baby comes in 8 weeks he/she will be considered full term." And he, and I must admit I, were like "!!!!" That is soon! To be in the 30's is crazy-wonderful for me.

I am feeling very lucky and happy to be progressing well. I have my daily annoyances: swollen and hot feet, sore back at the end of the day, extreme grumpitude when I get too hot, and the current worst: Waking up almost every night and being awake for an hour around 4 am. But, each day I am pregnant is another day our baby is growing well and in the best place. Having seen my sister-in-law give birth at 28 weeks, and watched her tiny baby, her and her husband deal with the NICU for months makes me realize how lucky I am to have this baby inside still.

I know, ask me the same question in 6 weeks and I may have a different answer.

My class starts tomorrow. I wonder if my students will freak when they see me walk in with my large belly?

a small, specific to today happiness list

2009-08-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

Keys to a good day while in the third trimester:
1. A good night's sleep.
2. waking with things that you would like to get done, but not TOO many for one day.
3. Not too hot outside.
3A. If too hot, a place to cool off.
4. Not too much walking, or back will hurt.
4A. if too much walking(or back hurts) a place to take a break.
5. Understanding husband, partner, friends.

I have compiled this list after not having item 1. all weekend, or the night before last. I slept well last night(though 3 pee-wakes seem de riguer now) and woke with a lot of energy to do things today. I have already mowed(don't worry, Mr. S brought out mower and I mowed an area that is about 10x10 and then another that is 8x15 only)... returned student emails and cut a bunch of peaches to make some more jam.

We were at the beach this weekend, which was quite nice, but neither of us slept well, between a muggy room, a bed with plastic on it(ugh) which made our sheets keep slipping off, and neon brightness from a hotel nearby. The days were nice, but by day 3 we both were probably showing the lack of great sleep(need Item 1).

We went to a local beach town that we love, on Saturday(30 min. from where we were staying on the nice beach but not great town) and had a nice walk around. This brought on Items 3-4.

During the walk(and it was a hot day!) my back got more and more sore(Item 3-4). I was starting to feel sort of miserable and then I saw a small basement cafe and looked in and spotted couches. I had a 'hallelujah!' moment and said to Mr. S- "If they have a/c as well as couches we need to go in there." they did, so we got some iced drinks, sat and relaxed while looking through some books. Neither of us is good at doing something so mellow when we are away, and it was wonderfully refreshing.

On our return home, we had 2 hours to get ready for a women's group meeting. It was my turn to host, (set up awhile ago) and though people had offered to let me host next month I felt now would be better than when I am larger. But, as I cleaned I realized the women on the way over would be understanding of our messy dining room. We got the kitchen and living room done and then I was like, "that is enough, they will understand." And they did, which brings me to Item 5. Yay Item 5!

peach and then beach

2009-08-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

I've had a busy busy week. Grading portfolios, figuring out final grades, canning peach preserves, making yogurt and packing to go to the beach for 3 days. Yay beach!

And peach:

I was very lucky and got a free prenatal massage on Monday and it was fantastic. I honestly think it has helped me have extra energy this week. Great timing! I was considering scheduling for after I was done grading(to combat sore shoulders, and as a reward) but the person only sees people on Monday and Saturday, so I chose Monday. I am so glad I did!

I feel the baby in new places now, higher up(as happens each week) and also way on my side, which is a strange feeling.

28 weeks, third trimester!

2009-08-16T18:02:00.000-07:00

I have had a crazy social weekend(but paced myself, so am not worn out) but I am ready for some couch time with Mr. S. So, I am just here to proclaim my joy and gratitude for making it to the third trimester and 28 weeks!
I feel lucky and blessed. The baby moves continually, and in new places. My feet get hot and swollen, but I can go to the pool and swim, which helps immensely. I have friends asking me, "when is the shower?" and "how are you feeling?" almost daily.
Thank you for your continual support!

less than 3 months to go!

2009-08-11T13:46:00.000-07:00

My little ticker has let me know that we have 89 days to go. Last week, when I saw it at around 100 I thought, "Wow, It will be less than 100 days soon." And I still didn't believe it, fully. Pregnancy seems filled with these moments of disbelief and revelation.
A couple of days ago the baby was shifting around a bunch and I wondered where he/she was(up or down) and I was feeling along my belly and had the craziest thought(a thought that sounds obvious, but felt crazy)... I thought, "There is a BODY in my body!" and I felt a shock. The larger the baby grows and the more the baby moves, the more real this all is. It is one thing to know something, mindfully, and another to feel it so physically.

crafty

2009-08-07T12:08:00.001-07:00

Here is what I've been doing on my 'study breaks' from my computer class-teaching work:
Acorn onesie for baby:
back of onesie:

Owl onesie:

stuffed animals for mobile, etc(used bamboo fiber to stuff)

hat:

fruity

2009-08-05T09:35:00.000-07:00

Not the promised crafty or nursery pics, but some pics to tide you over:
Tomatoes from my garden on windowsill, guarded by gnomes.

A mid-morning(or afternoon) snack, walnuts, blueberries and plums:

waterfalls, cloth diapers and sweets

2009-08-04T14:17:00.000-07:00

We had a great weekend away. Our friends reserved 12 cabins for us in a state park, and it was such a blast walking through the cabin area and seeing friends, and having breakfasts together, all above a gorgeous lake. We did some ridiculously cold swimming yesterday at a waterfall. Everyone else jumped in, but I had to climb in, in deference to baby and belly.

We stopped at a brewery on the way out of town and I got some fantastic local brewed root beer as a treat, and Mr. S got some dark ale. Then we met up for a final lunch, and ate at Moosewood! We were at the end of the lunch hour, so the menu was limited, but yummy.

We went to the most adorable kids consignment(and some new) shop up in Ith.aca. Oh my, it was the first time I was like "it would be nice to know if we were having a boy or girl." Adorable clothes, toys, etc. Also, they had a nice display of cloth diaper options, which is great, as I had mostly been 'seeing' them online. This person makes them locally, there and her website is awesome: http://www.esbaby.net/shop/
Mr. S was totally into the stuff we saw, it is great to have him enjoying this kind of thing.

The long drive (and perhaps me being 26 weeks now) made for a tired me with my first case of swollen feet. Oh well, I had hoped to avoid that little bit of pregnancy fun. And, my belly seems to have leapt out all of a sudden! My little weekly e-pregnancy update says my uterus is now the size of a basketball, so I guess it makes sense I am feeling it(size, weight) so much more.

Oh, and I passed my GTT! Yay and hurrah! Now I can enjoy my fancy rootbeer without guilt. My OB says I am mildly anemic, but that is normal for most of his patients in this stage of pregnancy.

I have a 'driving hangover' today and came to the pool to work and to cool down. It is such a luxury that I can do this!

Assorted

2009-07-31T05:01:00.000-07:00

I've had my first, "I am awake and can't fall asleep because the baby is kicking" hours this week. What a surprise! I must say it is much easier to relax(as an pregnant woman who has dealt with infertility) with the daily reminders that our baby is doing well.

The baby seems to wait for me to recline(on the couch, at the pool, in bed) before doing the majority of the kicking and stretching. Mr. S and I have tried the talking thing(as in he says, "hello baby!" directly to my belly) and nothing has happened yet.

We did our first baby purchase. A stroller! Hurrah! It was on a crazy special, online, and is well-reviewed, so I went for it. It is nice to not have to be researching strollers anymore. We got a sort of urban jogger style, it is rugged like a jogger but a bit more compact, for city walking, etc. We walk a lot, so that is cool. And, it comes with a carry-cot, very cute, and should be cozy for our fall baby's first winter.

I've been on a craft kick, I started off with crocheting hats, and then moved on to sewing felt designs(that I cut out) to onesies, and am now making little stuffed shapes(mostly animals) for a mobile. We received a hand me down mobile with cutesy bunnies(that aren't my style) and Mr. S kept liking ones we saw at Bab.ies R Us, so I thought I'd make our own shapes and attach them to the mobile(one of the musical kinds). These crafts are a great break from my online teaching, and my wrist twinges(that worried me about carpal tunnel) are long gone.

We are going away for the weekend, a long drive, but should be a nice trip, our friends are throwing a birthday celebration in a state park in Ith.aca. I am looking forward to great food, laughter, lots of swimming, waterfalls, and seeing a different areas produce.

Speaking of local produce, I thought this would be fun....

This week the baby's growth has been brought to us by: oatmeal squares with blueberries; boiled eggs and toast, bacon; cantaloupe; corn; gazpacho; tomatoes; plums; venison jerky; ice cream; peaches; pattypan squash and zucchini; walnuts; iced tea. Only a few items(and staples, like flour) aren't local, which is pretty awesome. My neighbors gave me a bag of venison jerky they had made. It is my first venison, and really, I can't tell a huge difference from it and my normal vegetarian jerky, tastewise.

mmmm, orangey

2009-07-27T13:02:00.000-07:00

I had my GTT(aka Glucose Tolerance Test) this morning. Per friends instructions, I had refrigerated my orange drink last night, and drank it while we drove to the metro. At first I was like "Hey, this isn't so bad" it reminded me of those freezer pops that come in the plastic tubes. But, drinking the whole thing in 5 minutes made me not so thrilled.
We have a couple of days to wait for the results.
In the meantime, my weight gain remains on track(5 lbs since last month's visit) and my blood pressure is steady, and the baby h/b was good. My OB said, "Expect to gain 15 more lbs!" and I was thinking, "Oh no." and told Mr. S he should do it. The getting up and down thing is getting noticeably harder, and sadly, I can't live in the pool, so it is no fun to imagine gaining that much more.
I think the baby had the hiccups yesterday, it was the oddest, bubbly sensation!
My friend came over and helped us with the big sort/clear out of the nursery yesterday. We cleared off the counters and cabinets(the room was a small kitchen once) and now have to sort the books and move them out. We picked up a hand-me-down and nice crib (made by Ragazzi, a schmancy company, but it looks like a regular white crib)on Friday. It is all becoming very very real! I will take and post some pics at some point, but it may be a week or so.

ah, better

2009-07-25T08:58:00.000-07:00

We've been in a little mini-drought. No rain for over 3 weeks(after the rainiest May/June I can remember. My rain barrel went dry, large trees were starting to drop leaves. After 3 days of forecasted thunderstorms we finally got a whole evening of them on Thursday.
I woke up Friday cheerful and energized. The air felt clear, the yard looked fresh.
Ah.

The baby is now moving so much my belly jumps sometimes, that is very cool. And suddenly, my belly feels heavy. Especially when I lean over. Oh my!
I am appreciating the pool for a new reason, for the relief from gravity that it gives me. Last night I climbed up the ladder and felt how heavy my middle has become. I am not complaining, I am just adjusting! I woke up with images of a belly band that will help me feel lighter.
It is supposed to get HOT today, and we are hoping to get some cleaning done beforehand. We have yet to use our a/c(we have window units) but I think they might be put to use today. And then... (surprise) we are off to the pool.

too much going on!

2009-07-22T06:10:00.000-07:00

We had another too many parties weekend, and this one has taught me a lesson. I shall now use the pregnancy as an excuse to keep it to one party a day!

We had a babyshower on Saturday, I thought I'd be able to do some sleuthing, but they didn't open gifts. This seems to be the norm with showers where the Dad and other men are there. But why?

Then we had some pool downtime, which was nice, and then to BiL's party, where we were hoping to hear that he was engaged(the invite made us think it possible), but no such luck. The party was fun, though.

Sunday was my grandmother's 84th bday, and my first time seeing most extended family since we announced we are pregnant. After that we did a babies r us run, and that finished me off. I got so tired that a glider chair seemed like the best idea ever!

I had dizzyness and tiredness from Monday morning to yesterday, and called my OB's office. They were like, "come in in 2 hours" and aS I was on my way to the metro they called back and said "Dr. P(my OB is out of town) wants you to go the ER as they can run better tests" and I was like "are you sure? I'd rather come there" and they said yes. So, I went back home to figure out where to go and then left. Next time I go with my gut!

The ER itself, wait, etc was quick. But, the first ER Dr. I saw was literally telling me about vertigo medicine as I was in triage getting my BP taken. Dumbhead. I said, "Can't we wait until we know what this is before you give me a prescription?" He said, "It is rated B, which is OK for pregnancy." My BP was high for me, but later it was low, so I think it was him raising it. I thought they weren't supposed to ask you questions during blood pressure readings?

They did a sono for 10 seconds and the baby was fine, hb 150, etc. What a relief.

They moved me to a tiny closet room with a major bleach smell, and took urine and blood and an inept tech tried to get an iv drip in me in 2 places(unfortunately right hand, it still hurts) and that swelled up and I said "Why do I need this?" and she said "The Dr(a new one) thinks you may be dehydrated, so we're going to hydrate you" all this while my hand is puffing up(and hurting). I said, "Can we wait for the labs?" so she got the other Dr who said I could wait to be hydrated.

Long story short, I waited an hour or so for the labs, they had me drink 3 glasses of water. I was chilly, and wondering why I was shut in the tiny scary room(it had a big drain in the floor) but now I think they were trying to keep me away from the other, possibly contagious people all around, so that is good.

I am mildly anemic which is normal for pregnancy, everything else is fine. I paid the stupid $100 copay and was out 2 1/2 hrs after getting there. I am pretty sure they could've done those tests at the OB! My first bp reading was 140/76 and the one before I left was back to my normal 110/60.

The ER stress sucked, but I am glad we are both well, and I am upping my iron-food intake. I see my OB on Monday for the GTT and monthly exam.

registry madness

2009-07-18T09:36:00.000-07:00

We have already received a good amount of baby hand-me-downs, some clothes, a nursing pillow, baby bath, a couple of slings, some cloth diapers, etc. This is overall wonderful, but I am now facing trying to figure out what we have, what we need, and what we need to give away. I have a large pile of clothes I know I won't use(from a pile given to me by a fellow IVF mom who was passing along hand-me-downs)... But overall the pile of what we have is sort of haphazard.

So, my questions for those of you who have registered, had showers, and/or who have babies already, etc. are these:
Did people actually get you things from your registry? It seems like most showers I go to the people receive the cute outfits/toys(I fall into this category of gift-giver, often) and not the hand-selected stuff.
This makes me wonder how plannerly I need to be this early on.?. I love the idea of friends picking things out that they love, making things, or even giving me hand-me-downs.
Is the registry really mainly for family members?
And, did you ask for and receive anything you love, anything you don't use?

The reason I ask is b/c we will be next to a baby store tomorrow, after my Grandmother's birthday gathering, and I would like to get started!

time to plan for the next phase

2009-07-15T14:38:00.000-07:00

Now that I am really showing(enough so that people smile at me and Mr. S when we walk by, sometimes) it is finally sinking in that I am still pregnant. I know, that sounds weird. But, after 3 yrs of infertility h.ell, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

We haven't signed up for a birthing class, we haven't researched baby stuff. I will be 6 months on Sunday. I just looked for birthing classes and most that are nearby/what we are interested in are full. Will have to expand search. We are lucky to be getting many hand-me-downs, so the main search is for carseat/stroller and a cloth diapering system. It is all becoming real.

The baby moves all day long, more movement than not, it seems, and that is also making very physically tangible that this little kicker will be out in the world(knock wood) in less than 4 months.

Here I am, 23 weeks:

the belly

2009-07-09T07:18:00.001-07:00

Mr. S and I were away this weekend, for a wedding. It was 2 states away, and a very long drive! The 'have to pee' factor definitely added time to the trip, but not terribly. Googlem.aps said 7hr50min and we took 9hr15min, incl. gas and food stops.

While at the welcome dinner, I had my first "I have been wanting to touch your belly" comment. It surprised me, as my belly is round, etc, but at 5 1/2 months, not that exciting, I would think. Especially since no one else can feel movement yet. So, I let that person(the cool, funky florist) touch, and when I mentioned it to someone else, she said, "I've been wanting to as well!" Too funny.

Maybe it has to do with being at a wedding? Hopefulness, symbolic fertility, etc. I realized that a good friend was 5 months pregnant at our wedding, and she dealt with infertility as well. I have strong wishes that my newly-wed friend has no such struggle!

The baby movements are getting stronger and I love it. I love feeling the hops, flips and kicks. I spent a lot of time last week watching to see if movement was visible, and it now is! Mr. S may have felt movement last night, when I was reading in bed and felt some big movements and called him up to try to feel.

In other news, a dear friend had her baby last Thursday. I can't wait to meet her.

Bats and Fireflies

2009-06-30T10:15:00.000-07:00

Our weekend was full of family/community.

Saturday we had our niece's 10th birthday party. There was a 2 story inflatable water slide(think super tall monbounce) and three deluxe cakes + tons of food.
Every adult who walked in the back yard said, "woah!" every 7-10 year old said, "wow!" and set to stripping off their clothes. It was a good idea, albeit overwhelming in a city yard, and the screams got old(at least for me) after a couple of hours.

We helped out a lot as usual and Mr. S kept saying "It is OK if we go now,"(as we had another kid bday party that we'd responded to before getting the invite) but I was like "we have to sing 'happy birthday'" It feels weird to leave a child's party before that.

BIL was like, "Shall we expect similar parties from you two?" about Mr. S and I for our child. And I said, "I think bowling is more our style." SIL wasn't around for the query, so I felt OK to answer that way. It is interesting, I can see the fam starting to get curious about our upcoming parenting style. It is starting to feel real, this transition that is coming.

Sunday night we had another party, a housewarming for some pool friends. They bought a foreclosure house in poor shape and have done an amazing reno-job. The party was great fun, with an entire 'georgian(russian) feast' laid out, and drinks provided by the guests. They have a fantastic dress-up box and many of the 3-6 yr olds were decked out in costumes, which made for a magical backdrop.

Walking back to our car the sky was almost to night, that pale grey-blue, and the fireflies were at eye level while bats were flying overhead, weaving the sky. The beauty brought me out of my tired fun-weekend-but-too-many-parties mood and gave me one of those pure moments of gratefulness for family, community, my growing belly and summer abundance.

Nesting

2009-06-25T07:05:00.000-07:00

The nesting bug has hit!

Our baby room is pretty small, and is a converted kitchen. We've been using it as a storage area for the past few years, it has 3 bookshelves and a clothes rack. We started working on it a week ago, but haven't done anything since then. But, I want to!

I want to clear it out and paint it, especially the cabinets, they are a boring glossy wood color. One cool thing about the room having been converted from a kitchen(when our house was 2 apartments, in the 80's) is that there is a sink in the room. That is one reason we chose it as the nursery! Also, there is a counter, so we don't need a changing table, just a pad.

I think the nesting instinct kicked in when a friend said, "We have a crib for you, do you need one?" and I realized that yes, we do need one, but have nowhere to put it!

We are lucky to be in a very communal community, so people are offering us many hand-me-downs, and we plan to take advantage! But, that means we need to take things when people are ready to give them, not at a normal shower-time.

It may help that I am now feeling little nudges every day, the very real presence of our baby.

I got a few design books at the library the other night, it is fun to look at the colors people choose, the themes. There are some crazy fancy nurseries out there! I am thinking of doing a mural of some sort, as I love to paint. Probably some tree or vine thing. I do like star stuff too, though. Having a child, being pregnant, it feels so magical. I want to create a magical room.

20 weeks! Wow.

2009-06-23T13:41:00.001-07:00

We had our big ultrasound yesterday. We were both nervous, but it went well.

And, it was the first full day of summer, so that is lovely.

It was so wonderful to see the baby for over 30 minutes, moving(not much, should've had some juice or something) and just looking healthy and good. At first, we were told we couldn't film it, but then she said, "OK, just don't say anything." Mr. S thinks it is because he got a very disappointed look on his face when she said we couldn't. Also, we just used our digital camera, so maybe she knew it wouldn't be high quality.
The baby is measuring well, and we saw the heart and brain up close, and the spine. All looked good. We couldn't see the profile well, as the baby was head down and a little smooshed.
At one point, the tech. had the baby showing face on, and the baby moved its hands in beside the chin and the tech said, "Oh, how cute!" and we were both thinking, while looking at the skull-looking shot, 'ok, cool, not quite cute.' Funny. We are calling the pics our "day of the dead baby" pictures. We managed to not see any gender bits, the tech. told us when to look away.
A Dr. came in afterwards to do his own 10 second look, and he said everything looks good, and my placenta is in a good place for a va.ginal delivery. Hurrah! Here's hoping!
So, here you are, a bit of the ultrasound, with music, again, from our friends band, Win.terpills. And, the original idea to video-record the u/s shout-out goes to the Mamas at Robobebe. Thanks!
I like seeing the little foot pushes, and the flutter of the heart.

(for some reason, blogger isn't getting along with the code, so the video is directly below:)

2009-06-23T13:38:00.001-07:00

the belly is growing

2009-06-19T08:12:00.000-07:00

I am walking differently, I noticed it while we were on vacation, especially with the hundreds of stairs I climbed each day. But, I didn't know if anyone else could tell.
On Saturday, we were walking to the pool with our neighbors and my neighbor said, "Hey, you have the waddle!" and I said, dismayedly, "I know." I always thought that the waddle started because of a large belly, but now I've learned it is also about the pelvis loosening and adjusting.
Regardless, one shouldn't say "you have the waddle!" to a pregnant woman!

Here are some belly shots:

6 weeks:

19 weeks:

We have our 20 week ultrasound on Monday, I am so excited! We're planning to not find out the gender. We decided that A: it will be a fun surprise and B: we've known so much, incl. what our baby looked like as an embryo, so it will be nice to just not know.

also, I uploaded the monarch on the lavender, that I wrote about a few days ago... on the post below.

the first monarch

2009-06-16T11:33:00.000-07:00

Something I love about children, about teaching them, and being around them, is all of the firsts. There are big firsts: first step, first word, etc. Also, I really enjoy the seasonal firsts: The first robin, first snow, first day at the beach... etc.

Today I was checking out the garden(overgrown from rain, but pretty) and looking at the lavender(in a riot of bloom) and saw a monarch butterfly. The first monarch of the year!
It reminded me of the chrysalis we had last autumn, the one that gave me hope, and then some sadness, after our loss. So much of modern life is disjointed. But so much of fertility, of the natural world, is cyclical. This can be hard, esp. when dealing with infertility(passing your babies due date, after a loss, another childless holiday, etc)...
But, the cyclical world can be joyful too.

I watched the monarch, getting drunk on lavender nectar, and wondered about how early it is to see one, and why it has come. And I thought, "It could be the one that hatched last fall!" I've heard they return to the same place. Who knows?

Regardless, it was a lovely, hopeful thing to see.

odd dreams

2009-06-12T09:19:00.001-07:00

Just the other evening, Mr. S was telling a friend about how my dreams are odd in that I am usually not myself in them. While he was telling her that, I realized that lately, I am usually myself in them. I wondered if it was a pregnancy thing?

So, last night I had a vivid, very sad dream. And, I wasn't myself, I was a 15 yr old girl in a drama camp. I went to the bathroom and noticed something in my underwear(hello pregnancy worries, you don't go away quickly, do you?) and looked and it was a strange, clear bowl like mass, and in it a tiny(like 2 inches long) clear baby. I was so so sad, sad as the girl who wanted the baby. I was supposed to be doing an audition scene, but couldn't leave the bathroom b/c I couldn't stop crying. I held the clear bowl(sort of gummy-like, icky but true) and cried and cried while my friend said, "stop doing this in here, use the emotion in the scene!" (she didn't know what was going on)...
I woke up with tears on my pillow, and had to shake myself out of the mood.

The interesting thing is that drama is the one art form I never really explored in h.s./college.

Somehow, I wasn't too worried/paranoid upon waking, b/c that girl was so clearly not me.

In general, since becoming pregnant, my dreams have been very vivid, but fairly pedestrian, as in mostly in and around my waking life, not surreal/other. Anyone else have intense dreams, either normally, with your cycle, or due to pregnancy?

18 weeks!

2009-06-07T06:22:00.000-07:00

Hurrah, we are at 18 weeks. It is a lovely thing.
I haven't felt any "I know that is the baby" movements yet, but have felt many "I think that is the baby" movements. One of my friends sent me an email saying one of her favorite things was doing the 20 week ultrasound and seeing what she was feeling, that sounds wonderful. Our u/s is in 2 weeks.

This baby is starting to be more of a reality in my brain. Mr. S and I are revisiting the dusty "name conversation", one we shelved a couple of years ago, due to disappointment, etc.

I can remember us sitting at a bank, after we were engaged, opening our joint banking account for our wedding costs, and talking about names, and writing them out, so hopefully. That couple seems so innocent and naive. But, I know we have strengthened as a unit, through all we've been through these past 3+ years.

There is a baby at our pool who was born around when our baby(the one we lost) would've been born. It has been hard for me to see her, but I am feeling more OK, lately, and even held her yesterday, and saw her for herself, not some ghost of what almost was.

My friend gave me a lovely book called "A Room Lit by Roses" about a writer's pregnancy and it is beautiful and eloquent. She said something that stuck with me.
Her partner wants to buy baby booties, "but I say we must wait, not yet. As if one could stave off heartbeat by the refusal of baby booties."

Maybe that thought has loosened me a bit. I've started crocheting hats, from yarn my grandmother had in a craft box. Pink, blue, orange-yellow. We have 5 friends due before us and 3(as of now) due after us. Most will learn the gender of their baby before birth, we don't plan to. I'll hold onto a couple for our baby and for the babies to come after ours, and pass these hats out as the months go by. I love the action of the yarn going from straight, to a knotted circle, to a tiny hat for a tiny new person.

Heartbeat and almost relaxed

2009-06-01T14:52:00.000-07:00

I've felt a lot of growth in my abdomen through the last 7 days. It is crazy to feel the hardness of the uterine wall pressing up, under my soft belly. It has made me feel more relaxed, confident. (although there were a couple of days where I had all this abdomen pain and got worried, before I read about ligaments stretching...)
We had our monthly OB appointment today. It was a swift as usual, but we did hear the heartbeat, for about 15 seconds, which was great, especially for Mr. S, who hadn't been at the last appt. I am only up about 4-5 lbs(from pre-pregnancy), which is crazy, except that I had gained weight with the miscarriage, IVF meds, so I had some fat to spare.

This morning, before the appointment, I was till having those dire thoughts "If we find out the heartbeat has stopped, how will I get myself home?" I am so ready to be DONE with such thinking!

We have our 20 week ultrasound scheduled, we are lucky, the fancy place is in the same building as our OB, so we just walked up 1 flight to make the appt.

I bought myself a pregnancy magazine and realized I am ready to start planning the nursery, I am starting to think ahead!

Oh, and thanks for the job advice. My gut feeling is to work, so that will be the plan for now. Knowing I'll be home with the baby full-time, about 1 month after our due date, helps. And, I think I will be happy for some structure/distraction for the 2 months pre-baby. After the baby comes may be hard, but we'll manage. Maybe I'll make Mr. S come to class with me and wait nearby with baby... :) I can handle 1 hour.

pre-birth(unpaid) leave?

2009-05-28T07:54:00.000-07:00

I had my first "I assume you are expecting." comment, I guess I really am showing(though I still think I look like I drink too much beer)...

I'll try and upload belly shots next week, when I get my NEW computer!!! I've been using an old hand-me-down computer, which has worked fairly well, and been a great help, but now that I am working online every day(teaching a summer online writing course) I am ready for the new, speedy one! It should arrive by next Friday.

I am having a quandary about time off next semester. I thought I'd be required to take the semester off, as it isn't like high school(etc) where they just bring in a substitute. But, I was told there is no set protocol.

I am currently scheduled to just teach one class, 2 days a week, class time is 1 hr. 10 minutes. The rest of the work is stuff I can do from home. Most weeks, that is just another 5 hours. So, less than 10 hrs a week of work.

I don't want to have to take off all of Sept. and Oct. for my Nov. due date, especially as I don't get paid, if I don't teach. Also, I love the class, and it is such a breeze to teach now(as I've taught this class, at this school, for 3 years).

If I did teach, I'd just set the class up to have a sub(I'd have to find one) for the week of the birth(whenever that may be) and/or make assignments and an online plan for that time period. The semester ends in the first week of Dec. and before that, we have thanksgiving break. I talked to a friend in academia who returned to classes the week after her son's birth and said it was fine, and that if I love teaching it, to do it(that she would)... The main worry: I don't want to cheat the students.

If I don't teach: we are out the money, but were expecting to be, so could manage, thriftily. I may be a bit stir-crazy those 2 months, or may like all the freedom. Either way, it will be nice to have the extra time, either not working at all, or such a reduced schedule.

Because the hour requirements are so minimal, I am seriously pondering it..
Thoughts?

tiny strawberries

2009-05-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

A year ago this week I was in my first IVF two week wait. I was blissfully eating tiny, locally grown strawberries, and imagining my embryos implanting. Of course, that IVF failed, and I now think the IVF failed in the transfer(with the terrible doctor, the chills(they were out of blankets) and the cramping I had. But, that knowledge is current. The devastation of that failed IVF was unbelievable.

Now, one year later, I am eating strawberries from the same farmer, and I have the blissful feeling that those strawberries are nourishing our growing baby.

I still have fearful days/nights. I consider getting a doppler for peace of mind. (especially after afore-posted scary boat ride)... but, I hold out.

Last night, as I lay in bed, I put my hand on my lower abdomen, on the fibrous hardness that is now rising above my pelvis, and I swear I felt (internally) a small movement. It was exciting, and of course, can't be confirmed. But, I am closing in on 16 weeks, and have since read that people start to feel movement around now.

If I do start to feel the baby(I should say "Once I feel the baby!"), my doppler fantasies will dissipate!

Maybe then Mr. S and I will reopen the name conversation, the nursery planning, all of the things we've left untouched since our dashed hopes. We're still living week by week, uncertain about looking months ahead. Soon.

Vacation

2009-05-18T11:00:00.000-07:00

The general run of our days while away(and not counting the 2 planes, 2 taxi's and ferry to get there, and to return)...
Wake around 630-730.
Eat breakfast. Read, talk to people.
spend the morning swimming, snorkeling or hanging out with people(depending on rain)
12-make lunch and eat it on beach or in cabin.
swim/snorkel or read, journal for afternoon.
go to pavilion for dinner*, talk, watch beautiful sunset over water.
evening: go to lecture in park, or slideshow/documentary, or play cards. Talk lots.
To bed between 930-11pm
(to clarify, lodging is cheap-$80/night, but food is pricey- dinner ran $20, so we often shared)

No tv, radio, newspaper or even indoor spots, for most of the week(unfortunately, a mosquito 'bloom' happened 2 days before we left, and indoors/sealed cabins would've been nice). We kept 'forgetting' to go online and check email until the day we left. We figured that if something was dire we'd hear about it through the main desk people, or Mr.S's cell-phone(mine didn't like the humidity and cut out on the 2nd day).

Some great things we saw while snorkeling: schools of purple and yellow fish, parrotfish (that look like they are made of checkered fabric) a few ray's (incl. a huge one) a couple of sea-turtles(one over 5 feet) many purple sea fans, sea urchins, coral of many colors, nurse sharks and huge starfish.

Neither of us has had such a relaxing time since our honeymoon. It was awesome!

We also met up with our good friend's brother and met his 10month old daughter. He took us on a boat/snorkel trip one day that was partially fun and partially stressful b/c the waves were REALLY rough and I had some anxiety about banging the baby around, as well as picturing out boat flipping over(small powerboatish things, one for us and one for him)...while out in the open sea. I seem to be a tad bit less adventurous right now....
We did see some great fish, urchins and sea fans while out with him.

We met a great couple, and the woman is a doula/childbirth educator, it was cool to have her around to discuss things with. It was fun to meet lots of new people and be able to say "we're expecting" and have it be a normal 'next phase of life' thing.

Now I have to catch up with what is going on with everyone!

rain and a heartbeat

2009-05-04T17:29:00.000-07:00

Today was framed by rain, as a lot of this spring has been.
The minutes of the day:
Mr. S and I walked in the rain, this morning and voted in our tiny town's election. It is strange to live in a small town(pop 1500) that is surrounded by large towns and the capitol, just a mile away.
Then I got ready for school, went and did some grading, went to my (now) monthly OB appt.

After months and years of every visit to an OB or RE involving blood tests and scans it was very strange to just leave a little urine, have myself weighed, and have my blood pressure checked. Then my OB came in and said, "OK, you're 13 weeks, let's see if we can hear the heartbeat."

It took him a minute, and I got a bit worried, but tried to remain calm, but he found it(after hearing my obvious, slower beat) the under-water rapid woosh entered the room, and he said, "good, it is a strong beat." And that was it!

The appointment was almost anti-climatic, except for hearing the so very reassuring heartbeat. I go back in in a month.

Then I took the metro to my car and went to meet a new tutoring student.

It rained from here to there, all day. And, I think I am catching a cold. But, I feel like I am entering truly into 'normal pregnant lady' status, slowly, oddly.

Onward to the 2nd trimester

2009-05-01T12:38:00.000-07:00

I am almost there... so close!
I keep thinking the nausea is gone, but then my hubris gets me and I feel awful for a day or two. I woke up at 330am last night, because I was so hungry. Why was I so hungry? Because around dinnertime last night every food I could imagine eating sounded like the worst idea ever. I finally ate 3 pierogi at 630 pm, and 1/2 a banana around 930. That is not enough food!
So, I sat up in bed and ate some dried cereal, at 330 in the morning, and fell back asleep.

I am looking forward to feeling truly better soon, and getting some of that mythical energy. I'd especially like it to kick in this week, as Mr. S and I are going to the Caribbean for a honeymoon-revisited/babymoon. I know it is early, but with my summer teaching schedule it was either go now, or in September when I'll be large and not so excited about snorkeling.

I am a bit obsessed with snorkeling. When we were on our honeymoon, I did it so much that my legs got severely burned. I've bought some swim tights(who knew?) and shall be unfashionable, but not lobster red, this time. We're going to St. John, an amazingly pristine place. I like to imagine the baby getting a little saltwater-blood from this trip. I am a bit of a fish, so I'd like a swimmy baby.

video from 11.5 weeks

2009-04-29T19:02:00.000-07:00

Here is last week's ultrasound! Grainy, but lovely. The baby started moving right away.

I could not figure out how to get rid of the embarrassing audio of us asking the Dr. questions, so I went to put music over it, and lo and behold, photob.ucket has my friends' band, wint.erpills on there! How cool!

12 weeks and the neglected garden

2009-04-26T04:24:00.000-07:00

Pregnant me + general first trimester nausea = my garden is at least 1/2 weeds.

Some days I get out and do one area, but oh my, is it awful. Our 'grass' is more chickweed, etc, than grass. It was that way when we moved in. I just mow that area, but it bothers me in the flower & herb beds.

I am happy to be feeling mostly better. Now, instead of an every day thing, the nausea just hits a few times a week. I am 12 weeks today, and I hope to bid a huge farewell to any and all nausea soon.

So, I was weeding, and some weed, if you wait too long(well, I think it thinks I waited the perfect amount of time) sends out projectile seeds. So, now I am finding tiny yellow seeds on my neck and cleavage, and in my hair.

I also find that pregnant me gets light-headed if bent over too long, I need to find some way to get to do my garden work without feeling woozy.

We had a couple of thunderstorms this week, and one had hail, and I found out it had a nice side-effect: it knocked all of the aphids off of our little japanese maple. How cool is that?

The rosebushes need true pruning, and the juniper is doing its yearly march into my vegetable beds. But, many things are flourishing in our rainy spring weather.

Mr. S bought me the loveliest flowers for our anniversary: lilacs, orange and red poppies and fringed tulips. They smell amazing and are cheerful to look at.

Oh, and I saw the first ladybug of the season yesterday. Cute.

4 years ago today

2009-04-23T04:47:00.000-07:00

*I was eating breakfast and talking to Mr. S, who was upstairs in our B&B(we weren't seeing each other, but were certainly talking!)
-I was wondering if the forecasted storms would make us move our wedding indoors. (we got to do the ceremony outside, but the reception was indoors, and surprisingly magical)

*My friends helped me get ready, did my hair, make-up, arranged flowers, made wonderful food, read poems and cheered our vows.
-I didn't understand why my dress was loose, last minute wedding jitters had made me lose weight!
*Our family got extra dressy, got a little lost on the way to the rehearsal dinner, read poems, made food, read poems, officiated(!), cried as we walked the labyrinth, took photos, and dj'ed music.
-My students served food and alcohol, played music( an incredible classical guitarist, a great 3 piece jazz band)- don't worry, we paid them...

*And, I walked a labyrinth and found Mr. S in the center and we got married. The river was sparkling, loving faces were all around us, and in the center it was just he and I and words we had chosen to say to each other. Vows that bind us.

It was a long, wonderful, exhausting day. And lovely. Our community was present, the community we can't wait to share with our baby.

NT all is good

2009-04-21T13:45:00.000-07:00

We had our NT scan this morning.
I was so nervous!
But, the baby was there right away, healthy and moving. We could see the nasal bone immediately, which the Dr. said is wonderful. The neck measurement was also quite good(I think 1.3mm) she didn't give us anything, so I don't know exact. She said it was fantastic as well.
We brought our camera and took a quick video of baby Lulen moving. So amazingly cool! I'll try and upload it soon.
All is bright and sunny and lovely today, my mood is cheery and Mr. S feels the same. We are super relieved.
I think it is going to be hard to stay quiet now.

Who's Next?

2009-04-18T04:34:00.000-07:00

Mr. S and I were talking, a couple of weeks ago, and wondering who will be the next person we know to announce they are pregnant.

We've been trying for so long that over a dozen people we know have become pregnant, and, at first, we would think, "Ah, wouldn't it be cool if we're pregnant at the same time as them?" but that game became too sad, as we continued to not get pregnant, and have watched those pregnancies become babies and then toddlers. Children that we love.

So now that we ARE pregnant, we realized we only know of people due before us. Of course, this is because most people won't announce a pregnancy until they are at 10-12 weeks.

Anyway, we had the loveliest surprise last night. We went out with 2 friends, to see a movie. Afterwards, we went to get 'a drink' and after we'd ordered, our friend said, "Actually, we have something to tell you. We're pregnant too!" She went on to say that she's known for awhile, and she felt bad not telling us, since she had 'cheated' and read my blog. But, they've had losses and were as scared as us, and telling no one. As you all know, we have felt the same way, so totally understood. It is nice for Mr. S to have another man who has felt the same anxiety and worry that he has felt. And now, hopefulness.

I won't go into more details, on the off chance anyone who knows her is reading(although I don't think they are, yet). But, this is just lovely, fantastic news! And, she is due the day after me!

The Next Worry

2009-04-16T07:46:00.001-07:00

We have our NT scan next week. I am excited(to really see the baby) and nervous(sometimes IVF patients get false positives on the blood part of the test)...

It has been a long week, not as long as last week, though. But between finalizing taxes, and getting a flat tire yesterday(on my longest work day- 1 class in the morning and one in the evening) and pouring rain, I am READY for the weekend!

I stopped taking progesterone and estrogen Sunday(at 10 week mark) anyone else stop at that point?

It is sunny today, and I have an accidental day off(we couldn't get the tire changed in time for me to do my morning job- sucks to not get paid, but I am trying to look on the bright side).... I am going to relax a bit and then go get new tires(we put the spare on). And then I shall be outside in the sun.

the soft and confusing hat

2009-04-13T05:15:00.000-07:00

My Easter was a long, nice and exhausting one. First, bagels with Mr. S(since we figured we should avoid eggs or sweet stuff), and we ran into 3 of my coll.ege stu.dents. A little awkward, but fine.

Then to the market, (farmer's and co-op) I am able to deal with food buying again!

While driving, I called my Dad, and told him we could help him move next weekend, but I wouldn't be able to do much, b/c I am pregnant. He was happy, but cautious. 10 weeks clearly means nothing to him. Funny how quickly some men forget.

Then to the in-law's, we helped get food ready, and waited, a bit anxiously. We knew we were going to tell them, and had planned to use an u/s pic, but it wasn't good quality, so we switched gears.

We waited until lunch was mostly over and gave MiL a tissue box with a hat in it(my new fun way to give baby hats) she was confused, but willing, pulled out the baby hat( the reindeer theme one I got awhile ago at target) and looked more confused(at the size, she liked how soft it was), and I said, "We are hoping that our baby who should be born in November will fit into that!"

Then everyone screamed or laughed and there was general cacophony. SiL started to cry(happily) which was so sweet. Mr.S's family is very sweet, sometimes louder than I am used to, but joyous. They were thrilled to hear about us seeing the baby move.

After lunch we cleaned up some, and I gave our niece some plant/compost advice and then drove straight to our good friend's for their daughter's 1st birthday.
Also fun, but I think the emotions of the day had gotten to me. We got home at 6pm and I was wiped out.

We watched Baby Mama, which I thought would be funnier, and I went to bed.

A nice, rich day, but tiring. Happily, all parents and siblings know now!

Thanks for the 'sharing' support!